Here comes Thursday a few days early. Every Friday I sleep in disasterous ruins of my marriage's dreams, but I got it today instaed.
This morning my W said she can't sleep beside me because of my porn usage. I reminded her that I'm tryingto solve it and this is my problem I need to deal with. I reminded her that stopping isn't enough, I need time to understand it.
Instead, she said she needed to go to her home country all summer to decide what to do (proactivly planning a D?) and that she would sleep with the kids again. I reminded her that I cant do a partial separation - that was too hard on me, and that if I'm not getting any LM from her, it would only make a stop to porn harder. (please readers, trust me - Im really having a hard time stopping) So any separation had to be complete with the plan we did Friday.
So I have a choice. Or choices.
1. I admit fully if I use porn knowing that it will likely increase her suspicion. This will likely cause a few more bad days between us. It will also increase my feeling of being policed instead of supported in my desire to stop over then next year (or less). I will probably react more than respond to the likely nagging/criticism making it worse. She'll likely feel that she is sick to her stomach and using her judgmental nature, judge me as not trying hard enough. W will likely then react with a consequence for me and I'll probably start to ignore her and her feelings.
2. I can deny it always. Her feeling of a cloud around her heart when she believes I'm using would continue, but she'd have no way to talk about it with me or to trust things I say about it. If she ever catches me I will have caused a much bigger trust issue forever as it would prove her fears. It is OK to lie to her to help us in reconcilliation? Ahhh...no...why would I be lying? Would it be fore self protection? Yup. My motives aren't selfless with this choice. Here, she probably feels that I cant be trusted and rebuilding takes longer - if ever. Eventually, that lack of trust will likely cause many deal-breaking arguments.
3. I continue refusing to declare either way and remind her that the problem is hurtful, but that I am working on it. She'll never know for sure if I'm doing it less, so she'll probably trust her gut...which is what she does now. The refusal would cause more worry for her. She will continue policing OR give up and realize this is not in her control. I can continue taking ownership over this as it is my own problem. As result, she is left feeling like she is floating on rough seas, but being forced to acknowledge that she isn't in control of the sea. Eventually she would need to detatch a bit to distance her from the emotions (GAL), leave the R, or accept me and my intent.
So what do I need today? 1. Stability and safety. I need to know that she'll work on understanding the source of her feelings while 3 work on 180s of my behaviour and that as a reward she'll let my love grow. Love doesnt grow from fear.
2. To feel accepted/affirmed as being 'good enough'. I need to hear something that tells me that my improvements and my person is loved enough that I'll be given a fighting chance.
3. To feel a reduction in blame and criticism. I need to feel that each of us can safely discuss issues that come up without fear of an all out 'Im the victim' type attack. That safety will deal with my biggest reason for my addiction - the desire to vicariously escape the problems I'm facing for a few hours.
So, unless she is coming home from her counsellor in a different state that gives me some hope, I'm going to begin a full in-house separation. I feel awful doing this. I know that part of the reason I'm moving this way is that I am not able to handle the up and down rollercoaster anymore. Each week for the last 5, we've had a blowout. I go and get her to reconsider, only for another blowout.
IF I really felt the porn was the real issue, I might be willing to give in more to her demands (do it out of the house, no locked doors, etc.), although my addiction would still need time.
I don't. I simply cannot accept that someone could not even raise a word for 11 years about my usage that she knew about, and then suddenly in the midst of a marital crisis, she is only unwilling to stay with me over that same issue.
I know there are other issues. I need to work on them, too. But I have ENs, too. I can't and won't accept my W policing me because I allowed myself to be vulnerable to her and ask for her help in things I thought might have been affecting our relationship.
Ideas or advice please, full out criticism I'll do on my own (trust me, I am VERY self-critical) - I'm just too over the cliff to take any 2x4s today...
