Add me to the list. Even though things are going very well here, I still have feelings wondering if I’ll ever really trust again.
Like June, I know whatever happens I’ll be fine. The hard part for me is these “out of the blue” feeling of intense anger or incredible sadness. I stood in a grocery store a few months back (one I used to shop at when we were separated) and this wave of loneliness hit me like a fry pan to the face. I teared up, I had to leave the store.
A girl who comes to the bar just broke up with her b/f and the things she was saying, ... sounded so much like me back then. She was trying to hold it together, but under the core she was sinking. On the way home with my H, I started to cry and couldn’t stop. We talked about it... He does realize that certain things are going to jam me up at times. And he cares, I get constant I love yous, I’m told it 5 times a day or more, we talk on the phone when we’re apart, we touch each other etc etc etc. We own a business together now, so there’s lots of together time. (And nope we haven’t killed each other yet). He’s willing to pack up, sell everything and move to anywhere in the country I want to go. The works...
And yet...
I too feel those... HOW COULD YOU! feelings. You ripped us to shreds for what?... will you haver really get how much you hurt me? Etc etc etc. Even the radar going up... wondering if he was back in contact with the OW. I checked. Nope.
I read someone else here when I first joined, who was very honest about her feelings bubbling up after they reconciled. It surprised her. As a result, it surprised me less because I knew someone else felt the same way going through the same thing.
I kind of wonder if some of what we’re feeling is the mourning for the split that we didn’t do back then because we were actively DB’ing. I dunno.
Even with my H being terrific, this stuff still crops up. It’s part of the reason I came back to the forum. I even questioned if I really wanted to be in the M anymore. It wasn't anything he was doing or not doing either. It was me wondering if I can live with feeling these feelings forever. I realize they do fade... so recommitting was something I actually had to say to myself and decide I was actively going to do.
As for the men wanting to “not be stuck in the past”,... FWIW, it’s something that’s quite common according to my C. They can’t handle the guilt so they distance themselves from it.
Hang in there, Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
