Minimum contact with H today, he called and tried to engage me in a convo. I know my reaction may seem too much but somehow I feel I am setting boundaries here. And I am not backing off.
He still surprises me when he doenst bail out when I get like this. He is actually trying to validate my feelings -granted he is not very good at it -self taught-LOL... K
Add me to the list. Even though things are going very well here, I still have feelings wondering if I’ll ever really trust again.
Like June, I know whatever happens I’ll be fine. The hard part for me is these “out of the blue” feeling of intense anger or incredible sadness. I stood in a grocery store a few months back (one I used to shop at when we were separated) and this wave of loneliness hit me like a fry pan to the face. I teared up, I had to leave the store.
A girl who comes to the bar just broke up with her b/f and the things she was saying, ... sounded so much like me back then. She was trying to hold it together, but under the core she was sinking. On the way home with my H, I started to cry and couldn’t stop. We talked about it... He does realize that certain things are going to jam me up at times. And he cares, I get constant I love yous, I’m told it 5 times a day or more, we talk on the phone when we’re apart, we touch each other etc etc etc. We own a business together now, so there’s lots of together time. (And nope we haven’t killed each other yet). He’s willing to pack up, sell everything and move to anywhere in the country I want to go. The works...
And yet...
I too feel those... HOW COULD YOU! feelings. You ripped us to shreds for what?... will you haver really get how much you hurt me? Etc etc etc. Even the radar going up... wondering if he was back in contact with the OW. I checked. Nope.
I read someone else here when I first joined, who was very honest about her feelings bubbling up after they reconciled. It surprised her. As a result, it surprised me less because I knew someone else felt the same way going through the same thing.
I kind of wonder if some of what we’re feeling is the mourning for the split that we didn’t do back then because we were actively DB’ing. I dunno.
Even with my H being terrific, this stuff still crops up. It’s part of the reason I came back to the forum. I even questioned if I really wanted to be in the M anymore. It wasn't anything he was doing or not doing either. It was me wondering if I can live with feeling these feelings forever. I realize they do fade... so recommitting was something I actually had to say to myself and decide I was actively going to do.
As for the men wanting to “not be stuck in the past”,... FWIW, it’s something that’s quite common according to my C. They can’t handle the guilt so they distance themselves from it.
Hang in there, Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
"It's true to an extent but sometimes I need some perspective from him about what happened."
How could a man coming back into a relationship possibly explain this? Do you really think he is gonna say "Kalni.. you did not make me happy.. so I found someone else?" That was the nice version. Can you "see" the wall he might be fighting there? I mean flip it around.. could you explain it? Now.. there is surely the possibility that he is still screwing around. But.. I just don't see it. What is your expectation here.. what exactly do you want him to define?
"He said he understands and he will be fine if we dont see sis again anytime soon... which proves he doesnt really get it."
Neither do I. He is removing the issue. You wanted him to see the issue.. understand that it was an issue.. explain the issue in finite detail in words you understood. I don't know.. I think you wanted an "Emotional" response from him. Those batteries are charged now.. lots of electricity! Lemme say it again.. WATCH the BIL/SIL thing!! Don't comment on it unless he asks. Listen to what he is asking.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Hey Maria, I keep thinking about what you are asking of him... have you ever been in his shoes? I agree with Forest, how can you explain something like that? You cant. I had an EA/PA for a year (LOTS of meeting in cars during/after work to fool around...) I could never explain it rationally to bf...it came at an odd time in my life, my Mum had had a cancer scare, I was freaked out to be in my thirties, BF had been grumpy and distant for a year previously focusing on his MSc etc..but none of these are reasons. I met OM through work, we gradually got closer with work banter and the stark bottom line was, I just really fancied him and I got sucked in to an innapropriate R with him over time.
I had dreadful dreadful guilt after it ended and I never wanted to answer questions during piecing, but I did answer succinctly (and never volunteered anything new), enough to satisfy bf, move on and put it all behind us. I remember feeling relieved about the things he DIDNT ask and I didnt have to answer - because all I wanted was our loving, solid R back and I was afraid he would change his mind and decide to dump me if I revealed too much, because he wouldnt be able to take the truth, or believe I really was glad to have him back (because how can you accept you can go from the intensity of an A to being gladly back with your partner??..But you can!). I have also NEVER talked about it, or admitted it to friends or family, people I am normally honest and very close with, except my BFF and you all here, because...I'm NOT PROUD OF IT.
Hey Abbey, great post and I agree with you. BF has admitted he did find Helen attractive before he left and did notice woman in the street also, but swears he doesnt now - and I get as much reassurance as it seems you get now. But I was upset yesterday that his phone was off during lunch and I quizzed him about where he had been and worried he had met her..I was surprised how untrusting I felt, but I'm no longer complacent, because BF was the LAST person I would have thought possible of walking out and dating someone else. Like you, I have doubts sometimes, but I realise that feeling will fade to a normal level as in ANY R so I dont dwell on it. And bf once chose to trust me again hey.
Maria, I think you have a hard time because of the extent of his betrayal, but the reasons and hows and whys of how he got himself into it probably seem down a very long distant tunnel to him now? The one who has the affair is able to let it go sooner than the partner, IMHO. Hugs xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
See, I don't know how you guys do it (Abby, Kalni, Addie), There was no A for me. I don't know how you do the OW thoughts that must pop up into your head. I think it would be so much harder, ten million times harder.
I didn't add to my sitch in newcomers (well, I did in Onthemountaintop's thread), but for years my hubby for me very unattractive and disgustingly fat. During the seperation- the stress of seperation, plus trying to work from home with a really, sick kid, severe lack of sleep- I gained another 25 lbs, totaling 50 lbs overweight. I never felt bad about being 25 lbs over weight b/c I gained it d/t thyroid issues- so it wan't my fault. But this last 25 lbs.- well, totally my fault. My weight for years had upset him. I was in the 120's when I met him and he got extremely upset when I hit the 130's. I was fine with 130's, it wasn't overweight. He felt I had let myself go then. He really was prickish about it.
If all those years he found me so unattractive. Plus our sex life was very unfullfilling fro me. Very one sided for him. (B/c he found me disgusting he stated in MC)
Why now, why does he state he finds me attractive now. I can not believe him. I try and just put it out of my mind. He works hard now to say nice things about my appearance all the time. He works hard to make sex enjoyable always.
I keep asking him- how can you now find me attractive when I am so obviously overweight? How? He swears he has a different perspective. When I was DBing, I didn't worry so about my appearance and weight b/c I had a really confident attitude. It was easy for me to detach and doing so I didn't look at myself with his stands but mine. I was not happy about all the weight but content with me. F him! I was going to live my life honorably, quit the bi*chiness, and work for the marriage but if he choose not to I was going to be fine damnit (ok, I had a million backslides but...) But with Piecing you have to lose that detachment, which makes things more painful.
See my sitch is different from most on the board. I was almost a WAS b/c I felt my hubby was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I was planning a D someday when I could handle the kids and had enough money. I was very walk awayish. He was the LBS- losing weight, secretly crying, finally agreeing to MC when he found out I was really not sure if I could continue the marriage with him. So for me it was easy to detach. But after many months of MC and his changes I was committed to him. I had hope again. I thought my old hubby was back, the person who really cared for me. So he really stunned the heck out of me when HE decided he was done. He was just so sick of my continuing to have issues with him. He felt like I would never forgive him and the fights would never end. So his bomb really, really shocked the heck out of me.
I guess what I am saying is that I just am very, very worried that he will become his old pr*ckish self again one day. That he will consider me a "dumb@ss" and "retard" and other choice words he use to sprew at me for years. I mean, I know I will be fine. I'll just drop his butt and not look back this time and honestly be happy with life.
But you know they are capable of doing it, b/c they did it in the past. You know it's in them- to possibly justify it again.
You just look at them as "less than". And do you want less than...?
Again, does that make sense?
It's almost like you know you are accepting a screwed up person here. That maybe they will put forth the work, but in a way- they will never be good enough again for you. Sometimes you think that, other times you are really happy with things.
Almost like you think you are accepting less.... again is that making any sense at all.
ALmost like you are always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It's peacefull now, almost blissfull, but your waiting and a bit on edge. When, when is dissapointment going to rear it's ugly head?
Is there going to be a time that I realize I have made a huge mistake working towards marriage recovery? Should I just accept my losses and pack up and leave? Really is he truly worth it? Don't I deserve a person I can really trust and lean on? Can they really, truly ever be that person?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OK, and then on the flip side. I "live in" the present situation and pretend like I have, oh I don't know, amnesia of the past. And you know what. I am actually happy with him. Really happy.
Can someone please give me those memory eraser guns from the Men in Black movie please? LOL. Because if I could have a lot of amnesia I would be really content in life.
Reading posts of OTMT's thread had me crying so bad. I was that wife. The wife that was unattractive, stupid. A hubby that was secreative about porn. OK, I have no issues about porn but it screwed with his perception of women. He really felt his wife should look like a model. He found me "model" good looking when we were first together but that quickly changed for him. (Ok, I never had model like looks.....whatever)
Just some ugly cr@p always reminding you of your ugly cr@p from the past. If there wasn't anything that bring up past emotions.
But then again if I let the past events haunt my present am I really moving forward in life.
OK, I am the worlds biggest flip-flopper. I can one day think this and the next think the opposite.
Can you be happy yet unhappy at the same time? I feel like that is was piecing is.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OK, but in regards to Kalni's husband. There is a totally different thing b/t living in the past and addressing the past.
I think Kalni wants to simply address the past and is justified in doing so. Otherwise how do you resolve hurts from the past.
I know my hubby has sat through more than one uncomfortable conversation about why he did what he did. He was so very, very hard for him. He had to take Xanax after conversations like these...
I don't know if Kalni's husband is:
a. He is terrified to tell all of his thoughts on the past, Kalni will give up and leave? b. He will hurt her really, really badly and he can't bear that? c. He doesn't want to feel the discomfort and go through how difficult it will be to discuss such ugly things? d. He doesn't want to confront his own ugly feelings? e. He thinks the past is the past and she is needlessly harping on nothing? f. He feels like she is not entitled to know everything about him? g. He honestly can not really understand why he did what he did? h. He feels like talking about the past would be like opening up a can of worms and just lead to really ugly places and thoughts
Maybe a,b and e? Maybe all of the above, none of the above? Who the heck knows?
Last edited by june72; 04/21/1008:25 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Sorry, I went totally overboard. After I was done I really wished I could have shortened the first post but it as too late. Again, sorry
Feeling embarrassed....
Last edited by june72; 04/21/1011:16 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
