New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

W called again this morning but didn't leave a voicemail or email. And I didn't answer the phone.
One of the reasons why I don't want to answer is because I'm tired of the venom. Tired of her being mad for whatever reason. I just don't want to deal with it for now. So I don't answer. I figure if it's an emergency, she would have left a voicemail, or emailed. None of which occured.

So I'm not sure why she calls, but I kind of don't care to find out for now. If it's about the divorce, then she can do it on her own. She's done it before! Anyway, just thinking aloud.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm interesting.

It's so funny how when you pull back, they reach out more. For whatever reasons.

Maybe if she calls again answer. Or call her back at least LOL. I like that you are making her work a little to talk to you though!

No expectations. No assumptions. It could be good, could be bad. If it's good, cool. If it's important, cool. If it's just venom, make an excuse to end the call and don't answer if she calls back. Set a boundary - I will discuss this when we are both calm enough to have a productive conversations - or something along those lines.

How's you GAL stuff?

[JR09]

Michelle,

I called the boys a couple of days ago. After talking with them, my W asked to talk to me as well. She said that S11 has to go to the dentist for some major dental work. She said she needed money to for the dentist. I told her this is important so I sent her money to take care of it.

She actually is using her share of the tax return for S11's dental work as well. Which means she never spent her tax return to get a new used vehicle. My mind is working to figure out if the dental work reason is legit. But when it comes to my boys, I'd do anything. So I did sent the money.

After she mentioned the dental work part, we actually ended having a very nice phone conversation for the remaining
20 min. I inquired about the boys and her parents, she inquired about my folks. I told her I may have found a job after I leave active duty. So She wanted to know more about it. She sounded glad about it. So I am not really sure if she's happy because I sent her money or because she is genuinely happy to chat.

In any case, I am OK. GAL activities: I did go to dinner with a fellow officer and his family, even went out with two female co-workers who just wanted to cheer me up. It was actually a lot of fun.

Anyway, I'm OK.

JR

[MichelleLT]

What the hell is she having done that's not covered under insurance (at least partially)?

I do sympathize with you wanting to take care of the kids, but this one makes me pause a little. Just cuz it seems like enough money that I am super curious about whether it is really necessary. Makes me wonder if she's just asking for more money. Or if she's spending a bunch on stuff that isn't really needed.

At any rate...

Glad you are keeping up with the GAL activities. Those are super important.

[JR09]

Michelle,

I did doublecheck with S11 about his dental work. It's all accurate. I even asked W about it. She did check with the insurance company. S11 is actually getting new braces. I guess it's costly.

Anyway, I called W yesterady to say Hi and also tell her more about my jobsearch. She didn't answer at first but returned the call soon after. After a few phonetags, we finally linked up. I told her I was interviewed and was selected for this government job overseas. I needed to ask her how she felt about it because I have to initiate medical and security clearances for the boys and her in the hopes she agrees to come along.

She actually was very nice during our phonetags and today's conversation. We asked about each other's parents, the boys, school, health. At no point did she mention divorce. I felt she was talking to me the same way she did during one of my deployments. It was quite enjoyable. She said her and the boys wouldn't come on that overseas job. She said she planned to pursue more school.

I didn't make a big deal about it and continue the conversation. She didn't respond harshly or anything. I asled her how she felt about linking up during memorial day to just have dinner or go camping with the boys. She said no as well. Again I just brushed it off and finally closed the conversation.

All in all I know I sound like pursuing or pressuring after 2 years of limbo. But I thought it was OK to shake things up a little and ask questions. Hell, why not?! I'm surprised about the conversation and how we actually had a good linkup.

Shortly thereafter, I sent my W an email to ask her to reconsider and think it over again, explaining to her that this is a great opportunity to start from scratch as a family and in our relationship. Anyway, more pursuing on my part for today.

Any feedback?

JR

[MichelleLT]

The e-mail was a bit much.

I think you made your point on the phone. The e-mail was just extra pressure.

Glad you recovered from her "no"s and kept the convo moving. Sounds like you two had a very nice talk, which is awesome to hear. That kind of communication is absolutely fantastic and a great building block.

It's important to remember you are still stuck between reducing negative emotions and friendship. (You have seen the 4 stages right? 1. Reduce negative emotions. 2. Build a friendship. 3. Build romance. 4. Recommitment)

Keep up your 180s and do try and continue to be patient.

It's all great to mix things up a bit, but make plans for memorial day with the kids regardless of whether she comes or not. Keep living. And don't just live, thrive.

[JR09]

You are right Michelle. Too much pressure. I have to say, W has been quite cooperative lately. She returned all my calls when I hit her voicemail. I needed her help in filling out a form to start my top secret clearance. She did fill it and faxed it back. I was suprised. I guess that's all part of "reducing negative feelings". The job is for an overseas job. W says she is not coming...

Well, I'd like to apply Michelle Weiner-Davis' advice to NOT believe anything she says...Gives me a bit of hope...

Still maintaining close commo with the Boys thru text, email, and phone. W has evolved quite a bit with the phone issue. The Boys now use their cells whenever they want...compared to the first year of separation when W triaged all my calls thru her cell phone. I take the positive evolution as a plus.

W has not spewed any venom in a while. that's positive as well!

What would be appropriate for a Mother's Day gift, not too desperate, not too needy??? Any feedback?

JR

[JR09]

Haven't heard from my W for almost 2 weeks now. I haven't exactly made the effort to contact her. After my email to her and other phone calls, I decided to back away for awhile.

I did send a Mother's Day gift that my W received yesterday. didn't call to find out if she got it, or what she thought of it. It actually was a bouquet of fruits. I figure she could share it with the boys and her parents. Anyway, I didn't contact or anything.

JR09

[JR09]

Called to chat with the Boys today. They are doing fine. I'm so glad our communication lines are regular and strong. They said they enjoyed the fruit bouquet arrangement I sent to my W for Mothers' Day. S12 said W enjoyed it too! Good. I didn't talk with W. The fruit bouquet was enough.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

Yes it was!

Good job on backing off!

Glad communication with the boys is regular.


You still thinking about taking the job overseas? Or could you find something that would allow you to move closer to the boys?