W officially in R w/ OM-

[jasper67]

GNO- your clairvoyance is legendary...lol...yes you did call this.
Secretly I knew it would be as effed up as possible, so indeed- it HAD to happen.

I do like the IC advice...I will press that.

Truegritt- I know, I know- and I'm not being an A$$ when I say that...

W is in heavy pursuit- telling me she's reading all the books I've already read, making a MC appt., texting me all day, sending pics of my other two dogs, etc...

WTF?!

Now I'm the one having an A- WTF, WTF, WTF...


Spoke to my dad, he's livid! Telling me I'm asking for trouble if I let W back into my life...he feels that W's friends are all morons for taking sides so easily and NEVER once thinking W's side might be slanted.

W has been using drugs, I know- and I know it's not ovr just b/c she says she's done...it took my 30 days inpatient to have a grasp on things.

What do I do...buy time? I was ready to walk and she's giving me everything I ever wanted to hear...what if it's the truth?

I asked W why she took so long- that I was walking...

her reply:

I know and don't know...scared maybe...but I know I can't let my H walk away w/o putting forth the effort the M deserves...I would understand if u still want to walk...not what I want though.

I just spoke w/ my father- I wish he didn't know everything he knows...

I will be disowned if I welcome W back- I will have no R w/ my nephew, mother or father, if I welcome W back....WTF is that?!

Don't get me wrong- I understand completely from their perspective...I would be the same way w/ someone I care about going through went I went through...

Question- do I tell W to do what I did? to fight for me the way that I did for her? Or do I see if she doe it on her own? I think I know the answer to this question already...

Fate and sheer determination are one of the same in this matter...if she ever wanted it the way that I did, she will instinctively do what I did...

-fight like hell
-do whatever it takes
-humble herself to my parents (beg, cry, plead, etc- apologize)

Is it fair for my parents to do this to me? To blackmail me financially and emotionally?

I feel like a child...they treat me like a child...is breaking free from them in these regards what I need to do? I know my life will be more difficult...is it fair for them to weigh in on my M this way?

I know Puppy said he wished his parents didn't know everything...I'm sure most people dealing w/ A's are in the same boat.

Love is love and people are people and some of us do STUPID things...my mother wouldn't even speak to me...

She's the emotional one, the one who understands...

I'm not making any decisions...if W loves me and wants this more than anything, she will fight like hell...Why do I have to test her- it doesn't seem right!?

[Truegritter]

Jasper

My observation is you did not give yourself over to this process that focuses on YOU and your own emotional health, detaching from W IS necessary for you to become healthy. This M is toxic right now and you are full of the poison.

Your parents are drawing boundaries for themselves like YOU should be doing. They are telling you they will detach from you essentially if you put yourself back into this situation when you clearly are not healthy enough to make a decision thats right for YOU.

I know you think this OW you are with now his helping, but it is a crutch and a roadblock to your healing. It is not fair to anyone involved.

I have been following your thread and there are some very wise people on here giving you excellent advice but I think they are tired of hearing themselves talk.

Man you need to go back over this thread because all these questions your are asking you should know the answer.

YOU do KNOW you just choose not to do it.

Take a look in the mirror my friend are you seeing what you want to see?

Only you can answer that.

[Gnosis]

What Truegritter said.

[jasper67]

you guys are too wise; and I hate to think of all the people whom have packed their tents...Gno- I know you almost did.

I hate to think of OW as a crutch, but I must be realistic...I could not be where I am right now w/o her, so obv she is a crutch.

I do feel pretty detached from W b/c I can go either way...again- I realize that w/ OW in the pic, that is the only reason why.

It is not an open door for W, at least not wide open...I have a lot of boundaries for her:

-IC
-Treatment and meetings
-honesty w/ everyone in her life involved in this (family, friends, my family)
-humility and accepting responsibility to my family and the disrespect she displayed
-NC w/ OM1/OM2


Once this is done, I will consider MC and rebuilding a R...then perhaps our M.

It is a tall order- I do NOT need my parents to approve of my M- but I do require my M to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible

W/o these things there can be nothing...not even a friendship.

Again, I wish I had gotten here w/ OW, but it is what it is.

I explained to OW, that W said everything I've wanted to hear, that I am furious about it, and that there is no M until W is who she needs to be...

Yes, I know I need to be who I am supposed to be as well...OW understands this, is afraid, and also understands that I cannot base my decision around her...she is VERY healthy...also ironic to be caught in this sitch...

I TRULY appreciate EVERYONE'S input in my sitch, the support means more than anything to me...I wish I had done things PERFECTLY, but we know that does not happen...I hope no one believes they have wasted their time in aiding me...

I do want what is best for me...I do deserve better...I know I am still failing in many ways.

thank you all
-

[Gnosis]

I hate to think of all the people whom have packed their tents...Gno- I know you almost did.

FYI: I did pack my tent a while ago. You were on the right track but have returned to your ways. I stick around out of curiosity... to see just how masochistic you really are. It's sickening to see how addicted you are to the drama. You seem to revel in it. The question is how long before this drives you back to your own addictions?

Make no mistake I don't take pleasure in this. Just observe.

[Truegritter]

I TRULY appreciate EVERYONE'S input in my sitch, the support means more than anything to me...I wish I had done things PERFECTLY, but we know that does not happen...I hope no one believes they have wasted their time in aiding me...
-

Jasper

No one is expecting perfection and everyone is here showing concern for complete strangers because they care.

They care to spend their time helping others that are going through what they have already gone through and are trying to give you the benefit of their experience.

You are the only one wasting time.

You will NOT get to a better place until you LISTEN.

Jasper it is painful to watch as Gno said.

How much will/can you endure until you wake up?

[jasper67]

I ask this w/ the utmost humility:
"Where am I supposed to be?"

I can finally sleep at night, be truly productive at work, go days w/o talking about my sitch at work- longer if not asked outright, my journaling does not mention W or my sitch, hasn't for a bit now...

I ask this b/c I am sensitive to the frustration I am sensing from replies...I am not at all offended nor unwilling to understand it, I really want to know where I am supposed to be...

I agree, the addiction to the drama HAS affected me negatively in many ways- I am not interested in going back to those days-

I understand that W is a drug- the effect on me is not what it was...I know that's like me saying I don't think drinking 2 beers is problematic for an alcoholic- so I will not dig my hole any deeper...

Where am I supposed to be?

I do not know what I want anymore- isn't that a good sign?
I'm not jumping at this opportunity like I would have months ago...I am not pursuing W, I haven't read a M book in months, I haven't looked up Piecing stories in months, I feel like I did turn a corner.

Is the frustration that I am communicating w/ W? I need to know what to do...I do have my boundaries- W knows I don't know what I want to do...how am I going wrong?

Again- utter humility here-

I am MORE interested in saving MYSELF at this time...

I have been very masochistic throughout this- something I am NOT proud of...

Where should I be?

[Truegritter]

Jasper

I gotta side with Gno on this. You have to get back on track here man. You stopped on your path when you started convo with her again and now you're going back over painful steps you've already been through...

...bumping your a$$ on the way down.

You have to completely detach yourself from this woman...you have let her drag you back in.

My post a few days ago Jasper.^^^

You have to focus on you and IMHO jumping into a relationship while it keeps you distracted does not focus on you and your growth.

If you keep getting sucked in you are going NO where.

There are much wiser folks here than I but I have been far enough to know that unless you detach completely and focus on yourself, you are headed nowhere fast.

You will repeat the same mistakes that got you here.

But it is your choice.

I give the floor over to Dr. GNO

[jasper67]

Truegritt-
Thanks for the speedy reply...

I know that you are correct...I will take immediate action...

I have known that the feelings I've gotten from OW should be yielded from myself...that way they are genuine and pure.

I have wanted to doubt the benefit experienced from OW, but I cannot.

I know that I am still standing in my own way...anyone whom has packed their tent, please unpack b/c I need guidance and WILL LISTEN...I know that it's frustrating to be asked to do one's thinking for them, but I am in uncharted territory and need guidance...

Thanks

[newmama]

It is not an open door for W, at least not wide open...I have a lot of boundaries for her:

-IC
-Treatment and meetings
-honesty w/ everyone in her life involved in this (family, friends, my family)
-humility and accepting responsibility to my family and the disrespect she displayed
-NC w/ OM1/OM2


Once this is done, I will consider MC and rebuilding a R...then perhaps our M.

It is a tall order- I do NOT need my parents to approve of my M- but I do require my M to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible

W/o these things there can be nothing...not even a friendship.

Jasper, you posted the above. So excuse my q- but what is the problem? You go back to not contacting W and hanging out with OW (if you want to). Live your life and if W does those things then you said you would possibly consider R.

About your parents- that sucks. They are doing tough love it sounds like but in a punitive way- still if your W did the things you asked then it is not your parents' business if you decide you want her. But it will be a long time before she completes those tasks correct? So time will tell-if it takes 6 months- a year and she did all of that then you can see she is serious. If not, you have detached and found someone else in the process and can be "better off."

My SIL's H took 3 -4 times before he finally agreed to her list. She had a boyfriend in the meanwhile so she wasn't in a hurry to take him back. And she also did not want him back for the wrong reasons. Just sayin.'