I took a couple days to myself to get a break. It was nice. I still felt a big hole inside even though I was having fun.
It's time to get back to work. Hiring L and getting ready to file. I haven't heard a peep from that man I used to call my husband. He doesn't care so why should I?
I am not feeling motivated to do anything today. I am beginning to get very upset at myself for feeling sad. Ugh...I feel such emptiness.
Ok I'm done being pathetic.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I'm glad you were able to have some fun, despite feeling differently inside. I think that's going to be true for all of us for awhile- able to kind of enjoy things but still have all these sad feelings underneath. I think it will get better over time, we just need to slog through it now.
About getting upset at yourself for feeling sad- sometimes that's the first step to lift yourself out of feeling depressed. I love something my IC said to me years ago which is that it's a good sign to start getting mad b/c the depression (or in this case, also the sitch with your H) is ROBBING you of happiness and of enjoying things. It can start to turn around a bit when you think of it that way- who wants to (let themself) be robbed and feel victimized? Taking action to fight that robbery can be a great mood catalyst, in my experience- and, like a lot of things, it's easier said than done.
I'm seeing my L for the first time tomorrow too--
Keep us posted on what's going on-
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I keep hearing they'll get better. It doesn't feel that way.
One day at a time Luv. One day at a time.
And I know things seem dark right now. I really do. But things do get better. It just takes a little time. So focus on what you can control and don't look past today.
