How do I act?

[steady]

Surviving, the problem with your strategy is because you are trying to illicit a reaction out of him. You act as if you are detached and you get a positive reaction from him. When his positive reactions stop, you decide what you are doing is not working.

Detachment is a process. Act as if until it becomes part of you. You can't detach in order to get him to act 'some way'. That's control and not detachment.

When we try to control someone we are setting ourselves up for disappointment because we have an expectation and are invested in an outcome.

When we detach, we accept any outcome. We are not married to a particular thing happening, or a specific action by others. We detach because it is healthy. It is healthy not to be controlled by someone's words or actions.

Detachment does not mean we are totally separate from. You can care about your H, have a hope the M can be saved with detachment.

Detachment keeps the focus on you rather than the other person. You are 'acting as if' while staring at him and his reaction. Act as if and stare at yourself and the things you want and need. Don't keep staring at him. His bag is his to deal with, yours is yours.

Do you want detachment or not? You decide. If you do, then act as if, and keep moving in that direction. It doesn't mean you don't talk to him, it doesn't mean you don't laugh with him. It means you are not emotionally invested in a certain outcome.

Draw your boundaries. Do you want to have sex with a man who says he wants to leave the M and is not invested in it working? Do you want to have sex with a man who is treating you as your H is? If his behavior changes, how will you know it is genuine or if it's a ploy to get you to have sex with him so he then knows he stills has you there and begins his pull-away again?

What are your boundaries on what is acceptable and non-acceptable to you? This takes self love. Do you love yourself enough to draw healthy boundaries without concerning yourself with what those boundaries mean to the other person?

If my W called me up right now and asked me to have sex with her I would decline. I am not a booty call. I am not the guy you run to when you feel lonely to fill that void in your heart. I am not a band aid. I am worthy of love and respect.

Are you?

[Surviving03]

Steady... you have me all figured out... I need to read this post on a daily basis, maybe even an hourly basis...

Once again, I slipped up yesterday, let H little signs of hope get to me, slept with him.... and then he started the pull away again..... ugghhhh!!!! I absolutely hate myself after we have sex...

He is so tough to read.... he started talkin to me yesterday out of the blue about the R ... explained to me again what his issues were in the marriage, and such... then asked me where I would like to live out of the bases on his list "if things were going to work out with us"... I took this all as a good sign... and one thing led to another.....

Then as the day went on, he seemed to do a pull away act again... so I told myself, get a hold of urself! stop falling for this... so I started to pull away too.... then later that night, he asked me to come snuggle with him and watch basketball with him.... so i did... for about 30 minutes, then went to bed (we still sleep in separate rooms) This morning, he seems distant again...

So its all very confusing.... but I can honestly say, that even though I have slip ups... I can feel myself going more towards detachment every day.... my emotions are really starting to exit and I am thinking more along the lines of, what do i really want and need?

I feel like I made it clear to H that I was not down with some his plans that he has made. He had told me before that if things were ever going to work out with us, he was not going to give up x,y, and z and if I couldnt deal with that then I had to go.... well I told him yesterday, I will go then... because I am not going to be a doormat, and I not going to be told by him that its this way or the highway.... that tells me his priorities, and I am not going to be in a M where i have to do 99% of the work and I have to give in to whatever he says... that is not a M and all that will mean is that I will be unhappy in the M... i think he heard me loud and clear... I meant every word of that... I told him its not necessarily that he cant do x,y, or z... but he isnt going to tell me its that or nothing... those things would require a conversation and some compromise and agreements....like married people do

I do find myself thinking that although I love H very much... I gotta look out for me and whats actually gonna be best for me.... and I am prepared for the outcome that being with him might not be what is best

[Steve McQueen]

slept with him.... and then he started the pull away again

this a major reason why guys lose their woman. might wake him up if you use that to your advantage.

[Surviving03]

what do you mean steve?

[steady]

Steady... you have me all figured out... I need to read this post on a daily basis, maybe even an hourly basis...

I know you because I know me. I went through this stuff already. It's the same cycles just different specifics.

Once again, I slipped up yesterday, let H little signs of hope get to me, slept with him.... and then he started the pull away again..... ugghhhh!!!! I absolutely hate myself after we have sex...

Don't sweat it. We've all done it. They usually do a pull away - I've seen happen many, many times.

...and I am thinking more along the lines of, what do i really want and need?

I feel like I made it clear to H that I was not down with some his plans that he has made. He had told me before that if things were ever going to work out with us, he was not going to give up x,y, and z and if I couldnt deal with that then I had to go.... well I told him yesterday, I will go then... because I am not going to be a doormat, and I not going to be told by him that its this way or the highway.... that tells me his priorities, and I am not going to be in a M where i have to do 99% of the work and I have to give in to whatever he says... that is not a M and all that will mean is that I will be unhappy in the M... i think he heard me loud and clear... I meant every word of that... I told him its not necessarily that he cant do x,y, or z... but he isnt going to tell me its that or nothing... those things would require a conversation and some compromise and agreements....like married people do

Perfect. These are boundaries, and they are healthy for you. Express them like you are doing. If he needs to hear it again, tell him. Do not waver on boundaries. You can compromise if you choose to, but don't get steam-rollered. You will resent it and be unhappy as you wrote.

I do find myself thinking that although I love H very much... I gotta look out for me and whats actually gonna be best for me.... and I am prepared for the outcome that being with him might not be what is best

Yes. Part of detachment is focusing on yourself and your needs. Only you can make you happy. Dysfunction searches for happiness 'out there' in some person or situation. That's the insane illusion. That last line you wrote is key. Accepting any outcome and not being attached to any one in particular is detachment. It doesn't mean you don't have a particular outcome you favor, just that whichever way it goes you'll be ok - I imagine you will be.

You're doing good. Keep finding your boundaries. A healthy relationship can only happen between two healthy adults. Setting boundaries is part of being healthy otherwise we lose ourselves into the other person.

You are the source of your happiness.

[Surviving03]

ok guys...

As of last night... H and I were completely done... I told him again that I am not going to be told that its Iraq or me and if that is the case, then I will leave with no regrets... H told me he is going to Iraq regardless, so I said ok bye!

Then today....

H is on IM from work and tells me out of the clear blue sky that he wants to do whatever possible to make it work, including not going to iraq, putting only the bases that I want to go to on his list, cancelling the ERD, anything and everything...

I am at a loss for words, dont really believe him, anything... he kept saying to me he is scared that I will change MY mind and not want to be with him, but he is willing to risk it... I said what made you change your mind... he said he has been thinking for awhile and he knows he has been an [censored] and stubborn but I am what he wants and he will do whatever.....

So I called the Legal office and sure enough he cancelled the ERD for me to go home. Then I told a mutual friend of ours about what happened, and he said "really?? maybe cause I told him today how much he F'd up" I said what??? he said yeah i sat down with him today and basically told him exactly what i think about all of this and that he has lost you for good and for nothing.... and that I dont respect him for how this all went down etc..... and on top the of that the legal office had called him today to tell him that the ERD was almost done and wanted to confirm with him that he still wanted to go thru with it....So i guess that did something to him??

I dont know.... I told him its what I want, but Im scared to death... I dont want to be stupid... I dont want to rush into it too fast.... I dont know what to do or how to act now..... advise?? I had my mind made up that I was done, so its hard to come back from that and to have any trust.... we have been down this "i want to make it work" road before, but this time he actually took some action and told me things he has never said before, like he wont even go to Iraq anymore....

[steady]

lol. Amazing how things flip around continuously.

What do you want?

So you drew a boundary about Iraq, he called you on it, you stood your ground, now he's back.

Boundaries work if you stick to them.

He's testing you. Trying to see if he can manipulate you. Don't let him. Stick to your boundaries.

[Surviving03]

yeah.. .it is amazing... I feel like I am in the twilight zone though... for the first time since this all happened, I feel like I am in the presense of my old H

So, so far, he is still on the same path, he told his work that he is going to make it work with us and apparently got a lot of positive encouragement and he seems to be feeling good about that. He told me he wants to go to the Chaplain for counseling and he will make the appts, we will see. He started talking to me about our "plans" for the future now that he is not going to Iraq and how we are gonna make that work when he gets out of the miltiary next year. He pulled me into the computer room and started showing me houses in the STL area (where we had always said we would live until he made his new plans of living in the same town as his daughter) and showing me how we could afford them and how they are "only an hour away from D"... he seemed to be beaming yesterday.... we had gone to the store and he was holding my hand the whole time, he never holds my hand....

I dont want to be too easy with this too fast... I mean so far he is telling me EVERYTHING I would want to hear, and I dont want to belittle his efforts if they are genuine... but I dont want to be naive either....

[LSG]

Surviving03,

Good answer!

Be cautiously optimistic for awhile until you are sure. Keep DBing even after you are sure to make sure that your R continues to be positive for you.

Having said the above, I am very happy with the positive signs that are occurring in your R.

[steady]

Two things:

Go with the flow.

Keep your boundaries. As healthy individuals we have to keep out boundaries, separate friends as well as common friends, separate interests and activities, as well as common interests and activities. It's too easy to lose your sense of identity in a M so it's important to work on keeping them - that goes for both you and your H.

As LSG said above, cautiously optimistic. And make sure that your R continues to be positive for YOU.