tired of trying...

[beingreal]

I was doing okay today...for the most part. I took the kids to school, wrote an email to my mother asking what, exactly, she was willing to help me with (her response was terse to say the least--still haven't responded to that one. not a good idea right now). My boss called & said I could have the rest of the week off to get my situation figured out, I ran to Walmart, bought a new blind for one of the kids' room and some new pillows for my bed (got rid of H's--he sweats & they always smell bad to me. Stinky pillows begone). I got the two little ones off the bus, went to BK for lunch & then to the park for a while (where I met a really nice mom--we had a very pleasant conversation & I didn't think about H for at least half an hour). Came home, hung the blind & was starting to clean the house when...

H showed up. He came to get some stuff out of the garage. He had his brother with him--I acted like nothing was wrong & was pleasant as normal to the BIL. H went up into the attic & literally threw a sleeping bag on top of his brother--hit him in the face while he had a cigarette in his mouth. Both of us called his name, and *WHAM* out comes flying a little metal basket I used to put flowers in, almost hitting BIL again. BIL got mad & jumped down from the ladder, sat down on the tailgate of the van & gave a look that read "seriously...wtf??". I just shook my head & went back inside.

Later I brought some stuff out to him that I'd bagged up & listened to him rant about that. I asked him to call me later in the week to talk about weekends & visitation and he started to complain that he wanted shared parenting because that way he wouldn't have to pay for the kids, blah blah blah, I want all his money, blah blah, so on and so forth. I didn't respond at all, I simply nodded to the BIL & went back inside. He lives 45 minutes away, i'm not sure you can even DO shared parenting like that.

Later I heard him call the director of the T ball league & tell him that he would not be coaching since we were on the outs and I threw him out. (!?!?!) He's taking great pleasure in acting like a victim, I think he's acting like a moron. WTFever. Came in and told me he'd dropped out of college today, but his GPA was so good that if he ever decided to go back he could. He only had a year to finish--he could have transferred. I told him that was his decision & I was sorry he felt the need to do that, which got him going about how he doesn't live here anymore, he's not driving up here to go to school, how I want him to live in a box on the porch so he'll be out of the house but always at my beck and call....again, I totally disengaged. No response.

I went to finish cleaning up the mess I'd made putting up the blind (I'm not so handy with the drill--but I did it. lol) and he followed me in there to tell me I wasn't going to suck him dry for money. He doesn't even have a job yet. I told him i was sorry he felt like that, he obviously didn't know me very well if he thought I was vengeful like that, but he wasn't going to be able to not pay anything to help me. They are still his children. More snide remarks from him until he finally left.

Only then did I break down and cry. And not in front of the kids.

All in all I'm doing okay. Not bad for my first day.

Strange though, I can about the future and what needs done & how to get through this--it's only when I start talking to someone about it that I start to cry. Why is that? Is it because I have to admit that I failed at this, or that I was dumb enough to actually try again?

*sigh* It's going to be a long week.