W still wants separation, need to DB more

[DaddyLongShanks]

I picked my W for work this morning. We had a few descent conversations, she initiated a couple of them. When she exited the vehicle, she did not respond when I said "bye"

I was saying if you could get on a double date with the dad and the girlfriend, that you guys will probably end up lining things up to the traditional gender roles. She probably would help the gf out and serve you. Plus the gf would talk about and give advice from the point of view that a person is in the relationship they want to be in.

[OfficerInNeed]

Saying bye to my W is a 180 itself. I am going to think of other words or perhaps a more unique way of saying bye...

DLS,
When our sitch first began we had dinner over FIL house a couple times. Also FIL GF is in the hospital and will be for months...

[marriedCrazy]

OIN,

What do you suppose would happen if you stopped saying 'bye' to your W?

She RARELY responds to you when you say it.

Wouldn't this, in a way, be a 180 for you?

Who knows you might get a 'bye' from HER to see if YOU respond.

And, OIN, I know that saying 'bye' is a 180 for you; but part of DB'ing is noting what works and what doesn't. Is this one working for you?

[OfficerInNeed]

As of now, no. It was, my W was responding but not anymore. Unless she is saying it so low I can't hear her, just like when she says thank you sometimes it is VERY low.

[TrentC]

I think sometimes that you are being over-analytical of her responses. It feels like you are giving testimony on a witness stand, instead of discussing your marriage.

What makes you laugh? What about her makes you happy? Why do you want to remain married to her?

[MrBond]

I agree with Trent.

Continue to be friendly to her and say 'bye', hold the door open for her, etc.

Don't do it because you think it will appease her. Make them a part of your changes.

One big thing is not to analyze her too much. One thing I've learned through everyone's and my own sitch is that the WAS's emotions will go up and down like a crazy roller coaster. You need to stay steady and consistent. If you get dragged along with her, she's not going to be able to see any of your changes or see you as the "better option".

Whether you do it through detaching and letting her do things on her own or slowly keep the contact going is up to you.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Want to say something. Sometime if we are 'analyzing', 'in spy mode' or 'closed' for example, we will project onto our spouse and it keeps communication closed.

I personally believe OIN holds open doors, cooks breakfast, kind guestures out of the kindness of his heart. I believe the feedback is currently not there or poor, so why he is commenting
so often.

[DaddyLongShanks]

[DUPLICATE]

[DaddyLongShanks]

[DUPLICATE]

[MrBond]

"I personally believe OIN holds open doors, cooks breakfast, kind guestures out of the kindness of his heart. I believe the feedback is currently not there or poor, so why he is commenting
so often."

The thing is you do it just to do it. Not because you think you're going to get a reaction out of her. It's hard as hell, but it's that act of doing something without getting something in return is when it starts becoming habit.

As an example. When this stuff first happened to me, I started to be more cognizant of doing little things like holding the car door open for my W. I wasn't getting a response like a 'thank you' or anything. So I started thinking - what a bitch - but I kept doing it. After awhile I didn't realize I was doing it. It had become habit. And the funny thing is she started saying "thank you" ever time and even now and I don't even notice.

Little consistent behaviors will become habit over time.