I’m a newbie. Here is my sitch and question. Married 15 years, daughter 7, son 4, wife and I are both 40. My marriage has been mediocre to bad since my first child was born. I’ll go ahead and 2x4 myself. I wouldn’t want to be married to me. I hold resentments, I can be passive-aggressive and I can be jealous. I’ve neglected her. I tend to go into my shell when there is conflict. On the plus side, I’ve been faithful, I’m a good dad, I don’t abuse drugs, alcohol, etc and I’ve never physically abused her. We have had good times mixed in with the bad, and we still sometimes do nice things for each other.
A few months ago my started connecting with old friends on FB. One was a guy friend (supposedly they never dated) who she was very close to when I first met her. I wasn’t too comfortable with their relationship back then because she always spoke of him in glowing terms, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Fast forward 15 years - I noticed that she had friended him on FB and then I started to hear a lot about him. I heard from W that OM was a “player” and that he could “have any woman he wants.” They obviously were communicating a lot. I didn’t like it, but avoided making anything of it. I then started to notice a “coolness” from her. If I brought up anything about our marriage I’d get a “whatever” response. She started hanging out on the computer until 2-3am (she’s a stay at home mom). When I questioned her about this and about the OM the coolness ramped up and I was told that I was jealous and insecure. I started hearing how she and I were “never friends” and that we “weren’t close.” At the same time the OM was described as a close friend, a brother, a protector, etc. She also added texting to her cell and told me that she would password protect her phone. At this point I decided that I needed to get at least a basic education in divorce 101. Not saying that I was going to drop the bomb. I’m saying that I thought it would drop on me any day. I read some things and spoke with some friends who have gone through divorces. I then came across the DR book and was floored. Each chapter was like a 2x4 to my face – I realized that I made just about every mistake possible and vowed to changed myself.
Around this time I noticed that the OM’s FB account was deactivated. When I questioned my wife she became very defensive, angrily telling me to LEAVE HIM ALONE. He supposedly was now “too busy” to be on FB. I told her I knew there was more to it b/c all he’d have to do is not log in to FB if he was so busy. I also told her that I suspected that the OMW had forced him to deactivate the account and it sure seemed odd that it happened a couple of months after they had reconnected. This got her angry and I got more orders to leave him and his wife along. Wife became very quiet about all of this and tried to change the subject whenever I brought it up. At this point I decided to get a keylogger for the home PC. I learned that the OMW did go off about their relationship for some reason. The OMW sent my wife a curse-word filled email which stated “stay away from my husband, he told you to leave him alone” and “if you contact my H I will contact your H.” I also saw where my wife told a friend (about the OM’s FB chats) “he came on to me several times”, “he flirted with me several times”, “he pursued me”. When I checked the cell records I noticed that she had called his office numerous times when all of this had blown up. From I read I get the impression that the OM acted like my wife was the pursuer to deflect his wife’s fury toward my wife. I should have said earlier – the OM lives about 5 hours away in our hometown. We visit there 2-3 times/year. Before all of this blew up my wife told me that she planned to meet the OM the next time she went home (without me). I didn’t like it, but since at the time they were supposedly “friends” I had to deal with it. As far as I know the OM has had no contact with my wife since OMW blew up. Now finally to my question. What do I do? Ignore this and work on my marriage? Tell the OM that I know he was coming on to my wife and threaten to tell OMW? He’s hiding in his shell now, but I have to assume that he and my wife are going to reconnect again. Their relationship is just that close. Should I tell the OMW what I know? I’m afraid she might really go off, dump him and then I’d get to deal with a now single OM. I don’t want to confront my wife because I think I’d have to inform her that I have the keylogger on the PC. This would obviously anger her + I wouldn’t be able to gather intel from this method anymore. I’m angry that she continued this R after the OM came on to her. I feel betrayed, but I don’t think it went much beyond what I described. It could have if the OMW hadn’t stepped in. I don’t doubt that for a sec. HELP!
Is infidelity a deal breaker for you? Because your W is definitely engaged in an EA. Do not think that it's not as serious because it's not a PA--for women especially an EA is just as, if not more, powerful than a PA.
Do you live in a fault state for D? If so, then you need to discuss this with a L before deciding when to confront.
There are two main trains of thought here regarding dealing with infidelity: strict DBing by ignoring the affair and attracting your W back by being the better option OR showing tough love and actively working to bust the A. In my personal experience the former did not work and caused me much pain and suffering, the latter did work.
First you need to decide what you want, then decide how to go about getting it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
contact the other man's wife, she has info that you do not since she spent time finding out about your wife and contacting her and telling her to back away from the OM.
It's not that hard, get the facts and let us know what she tells you, for now sit tight and act dumb and stop bring up the OM and facebook stuff with your wife.
You don't have alot of information right now and confronting her with nothing is dumb.
Find out all the juicy details, report back here, our team of self proclaimed experts will go through the evidence with you and advise you on a course of action.
I'm leaning toward packing her things, kicking her a$$ out on the street and start dating other women but then again I watch alot of ufc so maybe I just focus on kicking too much (a good front kick is just as good if not better than a jab, ask Lyoto Machida, he'll tell you!)
Is infidelity a dealbreaker? I don't know. I think it is, but then I think I would take just about anything for the sake of my kids. I'm in a no-fault state if that matters. My initial post was way too long, but I still feel I left some things out that needed to be said. I saw nothing in my wife's comments to her girlfriends that would make me think she is in an EA...for now. She always told them that she and the OM were just good friends. I actually told her at one point (before the keylogger) that I thought she was in an EA with the OM. I saw later from the keylogger where she told her girlfriend how silly that was of me to think that. Very confused over here.
she would lie to you and her friends, trust me, the WAS will lie to alot of people to prevent people from finding out about an affair, an affair is very exciting when it's .... secret. When everyone knows, it loses alot of it's excitement and then people start to make judgements based on your actions and that isn't very fun.
she would lie to you and her friends, trust me, the WAS will lie to alot of people to prevent people from finding out about an affair, an affair is very exciting when it's .... secret. When everyone knows, it loses alot of it's excitement and then people start to make judgements based on your actions and that isn't very fun.
WAS's and lying tend to go hand in hand.
Exactly!
That's why the A is so addicting to the WAS. The thrill and excitement of something so taboo. It's like a high.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
she would lie to you and her friends, trust me, the WAS will lie to alot of people to prevent people from finding out about an affair, an affair is very exciting when it's .... secret. When everyone knows, it loses alot of it's excitement and then people start to make judgements based on your actions and that isn't very fun.
WAS's and lying tend to go hand in hand.
dazed, you had better take the above to heart BEFORE this gets any worse, and believe me, IT WILL.
My (x)W's 'favorite' coined phrase to me and the world through her entire A and beyond through the D about her and OM:
"it's not like that"
Sure, not to her. But to everybody else, IT IS.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
