I’m a newbie. Here is my sitch and question. Married 15 years, daughter 7, son 4, wife and I are both 40. My marriage has been mediocre to bad since my first child was born. I’ll go ahead and 2x4 myself. I wouldn’t want to be married to me. I hold resentments, I can be passive-aggressive and I can be jealous. I’ve neglected her. I tend to go into my shell when there is conflict. On the plus side, I’ve been faithful, I’m a good dad, I don’t abuse drugs, alcohol, etc and I’ve never physically abused her. We have had good times mixed in with the bad, and we still sometimes do nice things for each other.
A few months ago my started connecting with old friends on FB. One was a guy friend (supposedly they never dated) who she was very close to when I first met her. I wasn’t too comfortable with their relationship back then because she always spoke of him in glowing terms, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Fast forward 15 years - I noticed that she had friended him on FB and then I started to hear a lot about him. I heard from W that OM was a “player” and that he could “have any woman he wants.” They obviously were communicating a lot. I didn’t like it, but avoided making anything of it. I then started to notice a “coolness” from her. If I brought up anything about our marriage I’d get a “whatever” response. She started hanging out on the computer until 2-3am (she’s a stay at home mom). When I questioned her about this and about the OM the coolness ramped up and I was told that I was jealous and insecure. I started hearing how she and I were “never friends” and that we “weren’t close.” At the same time the OM was described as a close friend, a brother, a protector, etc. She also added texting to her cell and told me that she would password protect her phone. At this point I decided that I needed to get at least a basic education in divorce 101. Not saying that I was going to drop the bomb. I’m saying that I thought it would drop on me any day. I read some things and spoke with some friends who have gone through divorces. I then came across the DR book and was floored. Each chapter was like a 2x4 to my face – I realized that I made just about every mistake possible and vowed to changed myself.
Around this time I noticed that the OM’s FB account was deactivated. When I questioned my wife she became very defensive, angrily telling me to LEAVE HIM ALONE. He supposedly was now “too busy” to be on FB. I told her I knew there was more to it b/c all he’d have to do is not log in to FB if he was so busy. I also told her that I suspected that the OMW had forced him to deactivate the account and it sure seemed odd that it happened a couple of months after they had reconnected. This got her angry and I got more orders to leave him and his wife along. Wife became very quiet about all of this and tried to change the subject whenever I brought it up. At this point I decided to get a keylogger for the home PC. I learned that the OMW did go off about their relationship for some reason. The OMW sent my wife a curse-word filled email which stated “stay away from my husband, he told you to leave him alone” and “if you contact my H I will contact your H.” I also saw where my wife told a friend (about the OM’s FB chats) “he came on to me several times”, “he flirted with me several times”, “he pursued me”. When I checked the cell records I noticed that she had called his office numerous times when all of this had blown up. From I read I get the impression that the OM acted like my wife was the pursuer to deflect his wife’s fury toward my wife. I should have said earlier – the OM lives about 5 hours away in our hometown. We visit there 2-3 times/year. Before all of this blew up my wife told me that she planned to meet the OM the next time she went home (without me). I didn’t like it, but since at the time they were supposedly “friends” I had to deal with it. As far as I know the OM has had no contact with my wife since OMW blew up. Now finally to my question. What do I do? Ignore this and work on my marriage? Tell the OM that I know he was coming on to my wife and threaten to tell OMW? He’s hiding in his shell now, but I have to assume that he and my wife are going to reconnect again. Their relationship is just that close. Should I tell the OMW what I know? I’m afraid she might really go off, dump him and then I’d get to deal with a now single OM. I don’t want to confront my wife because I think I’d have to inform her that I have the keylogger on the PC. This would obviously anger her + I wouldn’t be able to gather intel from this method anymore. I’m angry that she continued this R after the OM came on to her. I feel betrayed, but I don’t think it went much beyond what I described. It could have if the OMW hadn’t stepped in. I don’t doubt that for a sec. HELP!
