Bond that's fair enough and understandable. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen if we make it to that point.
Today she came over and as she was leaving she asked if she could come home on Friday. I asked her what she expected me to do, and she actually expected me to stay somewhere else. I told her that I wasn't leaving. I said I'd been gone for six months and I wasn't ready to leave.
She drove away, and I was beside myself. I asked her to come back and stay with the kids because I needed to go collect myself. I left and went to some friends house to talk.
When I came back my W was in her pajamas in the bed with my D4. She got up and came out back to talk to me. I told her that I deserved to stay in this house just as much as she did. I said she's more than welcome to stay here anytime, no one is telling her she has to go.
She said how much she missed the girls, and I told her to imagine doing that for six months like I did. Now understand why I'm not ready to leave. At one point she was going to go where she was staying to get her stuff and come back. She said she would sacrifice herself for the sake of her children ( whatever). I told her I didn't want her staying for reasons like that and to come home when she was ready.
She asked me what I was expecting from her after only a week. I told her wasn't expecting her to come home yet, but that the children took precedence over her right now.
I asked her if she afraid of me changing or that the changes I've made weren't permanent. She said she didn't trust that the changes were real. I told her that was fair enough and understandable, but that I know myself pretty good and I know their for real.
After she left she called and asked if I would make a deal with her. She wanted to know if she could be with the kids on the weekend ad I could have them back on Monday and that would give us another week to figure out what to do long term. I told her she was asking an awful lot from me, and that I wasn't sure so let me think about it.
how long have you been back, a week, maybe 2 at the most and she wants to take the kids away?
Listen, just tell her, look it's been 6 months since I've seen the kids and I really want to soak up as much time as I can with them. If you want to join us as we have plans for this weekend you're welcome to otherwise maybe you can pick them up on monday and take them for a few days and bring them back tuesday evening or wednesday morning.
You don't have to bend over backwards for her, in fact since she wants to leave and not live at the home anymore, you really have to focus on you and the kids, what she does is her business.
Stop asking her about the changes you've made, seriously, how could any changes you think you've made be classified as permanent and long lasting, you're fooling yourself and her if you think they are - what changes have you made? Also trying to convince someone of the changes you've made communicates the opposite to that person.
If you've made real changes, live them, your actions will be far more powerful and visible than any words used to convince someone of that. Stop talking about your changes, in fact, you should be thinking about changes she's made, is she perfect? Probably not. Did she do things to harm the relationship and not take care of things you wanted? Probably.
Don't make this one sided, when you do, you give that person too much power, she's already sending out feelers to see if she can get you to move out, to stay in the guest room, this that, that this, etc.
I agree with your boundary. If she wants, she can stay somewhere else and come in and out of the house as she wishes. But you stay put!
Yes stay put but I'm not sure how much I agree on coming & going as she pleases, I would tell her, if you're going to come by, please call before just to see if we're home first.
Because if you allow coming & going as she pleases, you'll get that x 100.
Yes stay put but I'm not sure how much I agree on coming & going as she pleases, I would tell her, if you're going to come by, please call before just to see if we're home first.Because if you allow coming & going as she pleases, you'll get that x 100.
100% right, here. I even had advance notice/approval/my presence clause put in separation agreement. Ultimate boundary! I told her it may still be 1/2 your asset, but it's my home!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I should have been more clear about that sentence. My underlying message was for him to stay put.
The other guys clarified what I meant but didn't write about her coming and going.
To be honest, I would still give her the one weekend. As long as it's ONE. I don't think it's an unreasonable request IMHO. Others may see it differently.
I think the only reason you wouldn't do it is to spite her. But if you can deny her the weekend for some valid reason where it's not to 'teach her a lesson' then denying may be a better choice for you.
I'm not a big fan of controlling people or situations to punish someone. I find that always seems to backfire on me like a freakin boomerang - and it always feels bigger and heavier when it hits me than it did when I threw it. Again, my two cents.
Absolutely stand your ground about you staying put in the house!
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I totally agree with robx on the changes talk. Just assume she doesn't believe your changes. They never do. It does send opposite message when you raise the 'changed' flag and start shouting to she notices.
Improve for you. If she sees it fine, if she doesn't fine. If she likes them, fine, if she doesn't, fine. Remember those changes are for you not for her.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
tell you what, tell her this weekend you've already made plans like I mentioned but she can have them next weekend, I don't think this is unfair at all, you've been away so long and you want to spend time with your kids, you're not being controlling, just tell her you made plans already but that next weekend after this one is free and if she wants to take them for the weekend she can, it's ok to be selfish in alot of situations, not selfish to be punitive to her but selfish to enjoy your family. You were in a warzone for 6+ months and now you're back, something horrible could have happened while you were out there and you may never have seen your family again, you're home now and you want to take in every second of your family because you know what it's like not to get to see them everyday.
Listen after a few weeks or months, if things don't improve, you guys are going to have work out a custody schedule anyways and although it's nothing to look forward to, it's not something to be afraid of either, its the reality of the situation and it's not just reality for you, it's for her too.
For the record she brought up the changes, not me. She likes the changes, but she doesn't trust they're real. I told her that was fair enough.
Peace we still plan to do MC, but she hasn't given me a go as of yet. She has her IC tonight and I have mine tomorrow.
I'll probably let her have the weekend with them. I'm just proud that I stood my ground and made it clear she's welcome to come home but I'm not going to leave.
I'm also proud because she was going to come home last night for the wrong reasons and I told her no. If and when she comes home I want it to be because she wants to. we don't need added tension in the home. It has been and peaceful with just me and my daughters.
She's miserable staying away, but that's a choice she's making. I told her she could have the spare bedroom if she wanted it.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Ok. So you've made a decision. Good. Better than waffling about with it. Just don't let her make it a steady diet of taking them for the weekends.
Remember, this is her choice, not yours. They need to feel the repercussions of her decisions. Like robx said above - if down the road you end up with a custody plan, she'll be away from the kids then too. So if she doesn't like it now, she better change course or she'll be dieting more on what she doesn't like.
You did good standing your ground and telling her you didn't want her home under the 'reasons' she gave. (If you can even call it that)
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
