After all of my being upset at H today he just called me to tell me how much he appreciated me taking care of him and bringing him food while he was sick. "I felt so bad over the weekend that I don't know what I would have done for food if you didn't cook for me. Thank you very much".
I guess I have to be happy with what he can offer right now
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
As a woman who has experienced a MLC'er that has gone through the OW Withdrawal, I know how you feel and have been there.
I NEVER dealt with the OW, she blew up the phone, but I never answered it, knowing it was her. I had enough on my plate without adding to it.
You don't want to be rude to OW? Better learn to be..she has NO business contacting you, and you do need to make that clear to her...she has NO place within your lives. I believe she may think that if she gets to you, you might dump him, driving him back to her. Anyone who interferes with a marriage deserves to be told off proper, and you can do it without using profanity or being disrespectful...or even shouting at them.
I see the clear description you've provided.....he's stated he wants the marriage, has dumped the OW but is so depressed, down and out, etc. He HAS dumped her, right?
You'll need to be really patient with him. When a MLC'er has had an affair, somehow the OW/OM gets into their heart and mind.
When the affair is broken up, they have to process the affair, and reverse the process, in effect, getting the OW/OM out of their mind and heart..it is a grieving process they experience, hence the depression you are seeing within your husband.
They will NOT initiate any R talks during this time, and it is a rough time for them, as not only do they have to look at/process the affair itself, but they also have to process the damage its done to not only them but to the LBS as well.
Don't take this personally, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him...and the guilt he's suffering is really deep..remember he not only betrayed you, but he betrayed himself in that process.
It took my husband over 4 or 5 months to process his affair; and his affair had lasted around 2 years or so...I found out about it during the last six months it was going on...and she was hard to get rid of as it was like an addiction to him. Once it was broken, he withdrew from me as well, and said many things that didn't make any sense at all. I almost left him during that time, as I didn't understand at first. Someone enlightened me to where I could understand better, and I was able to just focus on me until he turned back toward me fully. For me the fact that he'd dumped OW, and was trying so hard to come through had to be enough until the OW Withdrawal was finished. It was awful, I observed him walking around with tears present most of the time, and I couldn't help him..when I pressed too hard, he snapped at me....and so, I had to back off and give him space. But I knew when he finished and you will know, too.
After my husband came through, it was like we started all over again; dating one another, reconnecting with each other. I had to learn, for the first time in my life how to "flirt" with him, and attract him.
Jim Conway was right when he said that at the time of Midlife, the spouse is in direct competition with other women..yet, the Midlife Man is looking for something more lasting this time around. You may be identified at first as his "girlfriend"...then later as his wife...I've been there, too.
The history between you two is somewhat of a draw for your husband..every person wants to be with someone who knows they are known through and through by the other.....although, at this time it doesn't seem like it right now.
Please be patient..I know it's hard; it was hard on me when I had to endure it.
The childlike behavior you're observing is also normal. Just be careful you aren't seen as "mother"...I had to be really careful about my actions toward my husband during that time.
They all have children to settle within, and you'll see different ones "pop out" from time to time in relation with different times of their childhood that had remained unsettled until that time. As the old issues settle, the children will disappear, one by one.
Be kind to him, accept him, support him, love him...yet, give him space enough to develop.
Focus on YOU, and what you need to do for you.
Again, it's hard, I know..but necessary at this time to allow him to process completely and come through.
He'll turn more fully toward you when it's done; or he should.
I hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HeartsBlessing thank you for stopping by. Thank you for reassuring me that what I'm going through with H is just a another part of the MLC process.
BTW it's OW's Husband that keeps calling me not the OW and it was her who initiated the break-up with H. That must make it harder on H to process being "betrayed" by her and get over the big "love" he got himself entangled in.
His MLC-mind believed that the OW was the answer to all of his problems and if only he could run away with her from it all he would be happy. That didn't quite worked out. He has lots to deal with now....He already brought up the guilt..."I have to forgive my self" he said.
I understand that this will take a while, I just have to adjust my expectations. It will be a much slower process then I expected.
I will continue to show him my love and support but without any pressure and wait for him to be "done".
In the meantime I will enjoy what he can give now...which is already more then what it was in the past year.
Thanks for your help
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
BTW it's OW's Husband that keeps calling me not the OW and it was her who initiated the break-up with H. That must make it harder on H to process being "betrayed" by her and get over the big "love" he got himself entangled in.
Oh! My apologies for the mix up. Yet, OW's husband needs to put his focus on his marriage and himself...he has no reason to be calling you anymore, since your husband and OW are finished.
It's equally as hard going through the OW Withdrawal process whether OW or MLC'er ends the affair...the grieving process seems to be the same. Time is the one factor that cannot be predicted..each person is different in that process.
Forgiveness of self is the hardest to reach, and he may NEVER forgive himself for what's he's done to you, Mila. If he does, it will take a great deal of strength within himself to accept the fact that he's human and made a grave mistake that he can never take back.
None of the processes of MLC go quickly, that I know of. They each take time to complete.
Life is always difficult, no matter what you face, and you need lots of patience to help see him through, all the while working on YOU.
That's a TALL order, I know..but you can fill it, and you'll be fine.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
SA thank you so much for your encouragement. I too hope that your H will soon come to his senses and give you a chance to rebuild
HB - Thank you for your advice, It's greatly appreciated . OW's Husband calls me because he feels really insecure about my H not moving back home right away. He is giving me this stupid advice to go to H's apartment and try to seduce him...hahahaha. Don't worry, that's not going to happen at this stage.
I feel better today, H has been calling me all day. Just small stuff...like reporting on his business meetings and complaining about his bronchitis (looking for sympathy I guess). Conversations are friendly and relaxed today. Overall a good day .
rysmom - my H still lives in his apartment, he only broke up with OW couple of weeks ago (after a 1-year affair). We agreed that we will take it slow, he still has lots of work to do on himself.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
You seem to be doing really well. Just stay grounded and in control.
The OW's husband calling you definitly sounds strange. He is probably desperate and grasping at straws to get his wife back. You should give him the DB book!
OW's husband has his wife back home - her choice, she broke it off with my H to go back to her family. But he still doesn't trust (same as me) that it's really over because she apparently still "loves my H". I explained to him that that's normal, that it will take a while, that she will go through a withdrawal and mourning period same as my H is going through.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thats how me and h got back together last time. I acted like his friend and when he got sick with bronchitis I brought food and medicine to his house for a week. then he started coming over to my house almost every night after work and then he came home. It was a miracle. but he's gone again for now.
