Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

I'm confused and don't know if anyone can help...I'm really torn about what to do.

I've been thinking about everything - from the moments leading up to my H moving out (back in October of 2008) to where we are today (he finally admitted an A about 2 weeks ago). I just don't know what to do.

In 2 different text messages, he has commented that he will move back home (I guess if I ask him to). He's also finally acknowledging the pain he's caused DD. He's now focused on her happiness and not his own (it's about damn time!). He seems to be genuinely sorry for how this has affected DD and for the time he's missed with her. This is a new step for him – in the midst of his A, he wouldn't really even acknowledge that this was hurtful to her. He KNEW it was, but he was too wrapped up in the A to admit it.

What I don't understand is why he hasn't apologized to me or really acknowledged the pain this has caused me. He didn't just betray DD; he betrayed me and our vows. I'm having a hard time with this. He's mentioned moving back in, but how can I consider that when he doesn't address things with me? Is this typical of someone who cheats? Is he irrationally feeling like the victim here (yet again)? I don't get it – why no heartfelt apology?

I feel stuck. Since he moved out, I've been praying that he will come back home. Yes, my prayers were also that he wasn't cheating, but...I've wanted him home since he left back in 2008. And I don't know why I feel urgency about this – but I really do. Maybe bc everything has dragged on for 2 years now. I just want closure or to move forward or something.

I've thought about filing and divorcing him. But I think deep down my heart wants to try to forgive him. I'm not sure if I really want him back or if I want my family back together for DD. Nearly every day I see some kind of story, comment, article or something similar that encourages me to fight for this marriage - not just here on the boards, but through Christian radio, blogs, church, other people's stories, books, etc.

I work for my local hospital and we do outreach for children - seeing these kids and broken families, it just makes me want to fight to keep my family together. IDK...I pray for clarity and wisdom and sometimes I think maybe God is placing all of these resources into my life to show me that I should continue to try to save this marriage.

How can I not even know what I want and what is going to make me happy?

I'm reading the "Not Just Friends" book. I haven't gotten very far, but I get a sick feeling in my stomach each time I open it and learn more about affairs. It crushes me when I think about everything.

I'm so confused. Where do I go from here? Should I consider letting him move back in? I know we have to work through this in a proper, healthy way or we’ll be right back here in the future facing a similar issue.

I'm feeling like now that the truth is out, it's time to do something - but what do I do? It’s it normal for me to have all these questions with such urgency – or have I finally lost my mind?