OTM, what my H thinks would be fair is what he and i discussed prior to him moving out. he wants to keep the bike and pay me monthly for it - so that i can use that money to then pay the bill since it comes to me. he also wants to pay me the 9k in monthly installments. when i challenged that (after talking to a L), he was livid. he clearly wants to walk away from this, keeping what he wants to keep, the way he wants to keep it.
i'm not interested in taking him to court for the lump sum...if he wants to pay it monthly, that's fine with me. it's his sense of entitlement that gets me. he tells me how hard he's worked to provide for me and how he worked so hard to make bigger payments on my debts (which, by the way, over half of which were charges he put on my credit card and line of credit), and how he thought he was being so fair and generous with the agreement as it was. how effed up it is of ME to even ask him for that money all upfront, especially knowing that he was in between jobs. i'm sorry for that, but i didn't make him leave and i certainly didn't make him quit his damn job. he walked away from our M and then walked away from his job, which puts my financial welfare at risk...i make a THIRD of what he makes and i depend on him to help me cover my expenses. but now he wants to act so self righteous and tell me that he's being such a hero by even giving me what he's offered to give me to begin with.
then he has the nerve to tell me that it's been INCREDIBLY PAINFUL for him to part with THE DOG (as if him giving up the dog to me should be enough of a condolence for the fact that he wants to divorce me or something)...oh really, H??? it's hard for you to part with the dog BUT NOT ME?? i didn't respond that way, i did tell him that i knew how hard it was for him and that i felt badly for having the dog.
i will have my L contact his sister (she is a family lawyer and is not acting as my H's "official" L, but i'm sure she's advising him to help him keep his costs down) because at this point it's a lot of back and forth BS. he had the nerve to tell me on the phone yesterday that he KNEW this wasn't going to be amicable. what is amicable about HIM wanting to leave, and then HIM outlining the terms of how that leaving will work out on paper??
I CALL YOUR BS, H.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i make a THIRD of what he makes and i depend on him to help me cover my expenses.
Have you figured out how to fix this? There is only so long he'll support you should he fully give in to his crazy desire to divorce.
You needn't apologize for your anger, TTA. You need to let it out somewhere, somehow...just not at him.
When I read what you wrote I think back to some things I told my W. I didn't mean to be mean, but I was. Mouth working before brain.
That doesn't make an excuse for some of the blame and ideas he's passed on. You both need to take responsibility for why lay where and move forward. In a M, debts are shared unless (sometimes) they are from before the M. So the bike debt is your debt, too. So is the bike. Accepting monthly payments to pay it off could work...why can't he get his own loan to keep it?
Anyhow, instead of calling his sister, can you go in there and meet her? She is your SIL and it might be good to get your feelings out in the raw to her. She might be able help you find ways to pass on the info in the best way.
i can't really "fix" my salary...i'm an admin assistant, and i don't have the experience to get a higher paying job doing something else (i'm in DC, and the job market is INCREDIBLY competitive). i can budget myself better to get by solely on what i make, but my point was that he agreed to make me monthly payments towards debt we incurred and then went and quit his job. not exactly the actions of a rational man who is putting my needs above his own. i can get along just fine on my salary, but it rubs me the wrong way that he promised to help me out and then quit his job in this economy because he was so unhappy. guess what - most people are unhappy at their jobs. but they need an income. so they suck it up. ugh.
i don't let my anger out at him. i wanted to lash out at him on the phone more than once yesterday, especially once he started blaming my mother for our M falling apart, saying she never welcomed him and she just wanted me to get married and have babies. my mom is a lot of things, but she loves my H with all her heart and that he could even think about putting one ounce of blame on her for him walking away from me time and time again is a load of CRAP. granted, i can't argue with the way he feels, if that's the way he truly feels, but i can't help but think that right now he's just in a place where he's looking to blame anyone but himself. but even when he said that on the phone i just told him i was very sorry that he felt like that but that both my parents love him very much and were hurting for us both.
i think my L talking with his sister will help clarify things between us on the agreement because right now, my L tells me something, i tell my H and he tells his sister. so i figure i can just cut my H and i out of that conversation and they can talk to one another. mostly we are just trying to figure out if we should file the agreement in DC or in virginia. my SIL knows how i feel - but my H's entire family takes a very big stance of non-involvement so she hasn't been there for me much. she'll listen when i call but she isn't going out of her way to reach out to me. i haven't spoken to his mother since december. they didn't even send a card on my birthday.
sometimes i am so ready to be over this whole thing and getting on with my life. and other times i want to crumple into a pile on the floor and mourn my loss. i really miss my H but his anger and his distance and attempts to blame tells me that he's already gone.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I hope you have a better day. Hope is probably a weak word - your post at the wee hours of the mourning tell me you're going to be tired~but what can you do when the ---- hits the fan?
i haven't been sleeping well lately. been waking up in the middle of the night and just lying awake. tired is an understatement.
i did talk to my H's grandparents last night - they had called me last week on my bday to wish me well and clearly had no idea we were separated. so i waited until my H's family broke the news to them before i called them back because it's not my job to be the barer of THAT news. it was good to talk to them, it's been a while, and i know his grandmother loves me very much. she said she hasn't talked to my H in a long time but that she was praying we worked things out and she told me to work very hard at making things work. i didn't have the heart to really tell her how bad things are right now.
going to meet a high school friend for lunch. she's also gone through a D (her decision, not her H's) so it'll be nice to talk to her about what's going on with me since she's at least gone through the legal stuff.
sigh. i need a nap.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
RE the grandparents/others...maybe just say things on a responding level. For example, if she said "where is H?", tell her that he moved out and is living elsewhere". If she doesn't ask, don't tell.
I think that is fair, but also keeps H from hiding his head and pretending he doesn't need to be responsible. When the worst comes to pass, won't he just say that it is too late to reconsider? Right now, he can reconsider if anyone wants to encouage him that way.
i actually just took some tylenol pm and feel the sweet heaviness of sleep sinking in. i loved talking to his grandmother. she was very encouraging...at a time where no one else is.
is it sad i'm wearing my wedding ring to sleep but take it off during the day?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
