"All rise"

[poet]

The most hurtful line I heard from my stbx - not the only hurtful one, mind you, was - "This marraige was a big mistake."

The best line I ever heard, from some wise person long ago, was, "Time heals all wounds."

My atty. said most of them come clean when they are caught. Mine's been caught and never, even yet, came clean.

[NoCodeBlues]

"I did not leave!!"

Yeah, my ex tried to insinuate that it was I who was the one who left the M.

Mine's been caught and never, even yet, came clean.

Mine too. You can put xW in that group. Refuses to acknowledge she was even caught or that there was anything to catch.

[poet]

"Mine too. You can put xW in that group. Refuses to acknowledge she was even caught or that there was anything to catch."

What do you think is up with that, NCBs? Are they mentally ill, stupid, in denial, or just plain crazy? We both know there is something seriously wrong with that mentality, but I wonder if it makes it harder on those of us in that LB category to work things out in our own minds because of it???

poet

[ClingingToHope]

D11 said something tonight that I wasn't happy about. She said STBXW said when they are old enough to get married they have to be really careful or else it could turn out to be a disaster.

I'm not sure if that was a swipe at me or not. It may not have been. She may have been talking about her parents, who had an awful M.

I am sure that I should just let it go. The only disaster is the financial state she put us in before the D and the mess she's going to make of her and our daughters' lives after.

It's up to me to rebuild my life so the girls have some stability.

And I'll never, ever, ever hint that our M was a disaster.

[25yearsmlc]

The poor kids....I told my kids that "if I got to do it all over again, and the only way I could have YOU KIDS in my life was to go thru all this again, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat b/c You are the best thing that ever happened to me." It helped to say that. We never ever want the kids to think they aren't worth this, b/c they are, and b/c it's the one thing I said that made them feel more valuable at a time they needed to hear it. And b/c even if it's not true, why tell the innocent ones that? They see the pain we were/are in and in real life they should be the center of our worlds but instead our "issues" are...which sucks for them.

Our older d once asked me if the reason we were fighting & maybe divorcing was b/c of them - and I said "on the contrary, The reason we are trying to stay married is b/c of YOU..." which seemed to comfort her. It's true. (Besides, even if you don't feel that way, why tell THE KIDS? )

Back to "Crazy WAS contest"...so many entries, so many "crazy batchitt awards" to give out. Must ponder more.

So far, I love the "Didn't FEEL married, so it's not cheating" and "it's not an affair b/c it's no longer secret" (why? b/c she got caught?) So far, those are near the top of my list.

Um, MEANEST things to say are in a diff awards category. But the crazy stuff is sometimes worse b/c it makes the LBSer wonder if they're being gaslighted (For those of you under 35-Gaslight is a film in which the h tries to convince his w that she is going crazy by h denying reality all around, with both little and big things..."no your purse wasn't on the table, it's NEVER been on the table" etc.) And it delays the LBSer's "awakening". FIB I think you can address that someday when you're in the mood.

So for the LBSer trying to figure out what is happening AND what to do about it, and what to expect, the crazy stuff is also harder b/c when it's all just mean stuff coming from the WAS, you KNOW you need to get out or you realize it sooner, whereas If the WAS flips back and forth, then so do you...and your life becomes purgatorial.

My biggest regret is the time consumed trying to understand the incomprehensible. Sure, some things must be addressed but the idea that we'll ever "get" what ALL happened in their heads is inaccurate. And when they have real amnesia or revised history or whatever you want to call it, don't expect to have the same recall even if and when you DO reconcile. Let go of the idea that you'll agree on the past....yikes...

Actions we would NEVER take, are beyond our ken and do not need to be "understood" so much to me b/c what matters is whether the WAS gets it enough that they won't do it again. You know, going forward...not always wondering what the heck just happened in the past.

We want to comprehend b/c if we can understand it, we THINK we can better control our lives or future or "it". I think trying to grasp what is going on makes sense for a time, then we need to move on, GAL and take care of ourself. Don't let it go on and on....

So, Award nomination categories are 1) "Batchitt crazyiest Remark" ; 2) "Meanest Jerkiest Comment", and how about 3) "Most Amnesia" in a WAS?

I am open to more awards categories (of course!). And now, for the nominations...please continue...

Ooops, HEY FIB mind this hijack? It's taken a turn -but I'm liking it- and we are on a roll of sorts...is this okay? (then again, I say you started it...sort of)

j-

[Gypsy]

Additional (from the rich and famous):

"I don't regret cheating; it helped me change my ways."

"I needed some alone time."

"I did not have sexual relationships with that woman."

"It depends on what the nature of the word "is" (re: sexual relationship) is."

"I felt bad for the prostitute/transvestite, etc. because he/she was crying, and helped them by emptying out my wallet."

"I get a headache if I don't have sex every three days."

"Sex is best when cheating."

[faithisbelieving]

From
Psychology: Affairs

Women may be more concerned with the impact of their affairs on their children than they are with the effect on their mate, whom they have already devalued and discounted in anticipation of the affair. Of course, a woman is likely to feel the children would be in support of her affair, and thus may involve them in relaying her messages, keeping her secrets, and telling her lies. This can be mind-blowingly seductive and confusing to the kids. Sharing the secret of one parent's affair, and hiding it from the other parent, has essentially the same emotional impact as incest.

I highly recommend reading this article if your issues involved infidelity.

In recent years, promiscuity seems suicidal so only the suicidal—that is, the romantics—are on the streets after dark.

Betrayed men, like betrayed women, hunker down and do whatever they have to do to hold their marriage together. A few men and women go into a rage and refuse to turn back, and then spend a lifetime nursing the narcissistic injury, but that unusual occurrence is no more common for men than for women. Marriage can survive either a husband's infidelity or a wife's, if it is stopped, brought into the open, and dealt with.

I have cleaned up more affairs than a squad of motel chambermaids. Infidelity is a very messy hobby. It is not an effective way to find a new mate or a new life.

And finally, I LOVE IT:

For the greatest enjoyment of infidelity, I recommend you observe from a safe physical and emotional distance and avoid any suicidal impulse to become a participant.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

And it delays the LBSer's "awakening". FIB I think you can address that someday when you're in the mood.

Funny 25...I don't know WHAT'S right anymore. Yeah...it was all me, everything according to her.

HOWEVER....everyone can benefit from a dose of reality. Yesterday, I was told by the local main newspaper in our area that I will be listed as a 5 star surgeon at one of the hospitals I work at next month in the health section. THEN...our chief medical officer approached me while I was sitting in the doctor's lounge and he told me that he was submitting my name to be a candidate on the medical board and would like to see me as president of the medical staff at some point.

I'm not an a$$hole tho'. This means nothing with regards to a marriage that is on the brink of final termination. Five years ago, the same accolades would have lead me to a podium and, as in A Beautiful Mind, I would have professed undying love for STBXW and given her all the reason for it. Now, well, I give the same accolades, if you know what I mean sans the former.

S & H.

FIB

[Gypsy]

FIB..

Congratulations on the recognition and resulting prestige. Must feel good for the soul.

As far as you being at fault for everything wrong in the marriage, the former spouse accused me of the same. I took great comfort in his statement because as long as he blamed me for everything, there was no way I was.

It's a journey to stop being affected by the other spouse's negative perspective and asking oneself "what if's". When folks climb out of the muck, take responsibility for their own actions and move forward, that's when healing begins.

*hugs*

[faithisbelieving]

OK 25:

You filed...you're driving this now.

My response to this throughout:

Would you like to go to counseling?

When confronting STBXW about OM3:

Why can't another man love me? I can be loved again!

When approached about her pink panties circumferentially sticking out above her jeans:

Oh...I didn't realize it.

Uh..yeah...and I leave my fly open all the time.

FIB