These are the words I've lived by. I believed them. I never thought I would doubt their significance or truth. They were words when spoken almost 24 years ago, but words I took to my heart. I thought THIS could never happen to US....to me. I could have never believed THIS reality. But, THIS is my reality.
I wrapped up my whole identity in my H. I was 14 when we met. He was EVERYTHING to me for so long. Then it was H and my kids, my FAMILY. I didn’t know how big of a mistake this was. It was all I knew. It was all I thought I wanted. It was all I thought I needed. I could have never believed that I would be in this position. Even after being HERE for as long as I've been here, it is hard to accept. Even knowing all that I know, and all of the pain that I have felt, it is hard to accept. But, I know that my marriage is dead. I know what my role was in the decay of our relationship, just as I know the final responsibility for it’s death lies with H. The H that I loved for 30 years is no longer the person I believed him to be. Is it MLC?? Will the person he WAS surface again? There is no way to know for sure. AND if he does, is it too late?
I have made many DB mistakes, just as I made many mistakes in my marriage. I never believed there would not be another chance. But I must make myself believe that now, just as I know now why I am here – and what THIS is all about. From this day forward……it’s about finding me.
I have done my best to detach. Some days are better than others. Daily contact because of the kids makes it extremely hard. I admire those that are able to detach and not let every thing their spouse, or former spouse does and says affect them. I do hope to get there some day.
These are lists for me. Things on my mind, as I move forward……
Things that I have lost: My best friend, lover, spouse. My marriage. My sense of a complete family. Trust. My sense of reality. The career I had with H. My kids with me every night. The ability to plan more than a minute ahead. Help with household responsibilities. Involvement with kids sports. The future income WE planned for. The future with H that we dreamed of. The happily ever after.
Things I have learned/found (a list I hopw to add to soon): The need to find me (although I still don’t know who that is). Good friends are always there. Happiness by myself, and the belief that I can be happy by myself. Happiness as a family of 4. A job. A source of income. What I am truly afraid of. Appreciation for what I have. There is only ONE thing I can't do on my own.
What I do not know about the future: How I will survive the “process of divorce.” Will I lose my home/can I continue to live in my home. How long will it take to heal? How long will it take to find ME?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
