how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i can't really "fix" my salary...i'm an admin assistant, and i don't have the experience to get a higher paying job doing something else (i'm in DC, and the job market is INCREDIBLY competitive). i can budget myself better to get by solely on what i make, but my point was that he agreed to make me monthly payments towards debt we incurred and then went and quit his job. not exactly the actions of a rational man who is putting my needs above his own. i can get along just fine on my salary, but it rubs me the wrong way that he promised to help me out and then quit his job in this economy because he was so unhappy. guess what - most people are unhappy at their jobs. but they need an income. so they suck it up. ugh.

i don't let my anger out at him. i wanted to lash out at him on the phone more than once yesterday, especially once he started blaming my mother for our M falling apart, saying she never welcomed him and she just wanted me to get married and have babies. my mom is a lot of things, but she loves my H with all her heart and that he could even think about putting one ounce of blame on her for him walking away from me time and time again is a load of CRAP. granted, i can't argue with the way he feels, if that's the way he truly feels, but i can't help but think that right now he's just in a place where he's looking to blame anyone but himself. but even when he said that on the phone i just told him i was very sorry that he felt like that but that both my parents love him very much and were hurting for us both.

i think my L talking with his sister will help clarify things between us on the agreement because right now, my L tells me something, i tell my H and he tells his sister. so i figure i can just cut my H and i out of that conversation and they can talk to one another. mostly we are just trying to figure out if we should file the agreement in DC or in virginia. my SIL knows how i feel - but my H's entire family takes a very big stance of non-involvement so she hasn't been there for me much. she'll listen when i call but she isn't going out of her way to reach out to me. i haven't spoken to his mother since december. they didn't even send a card on my birthday.

sometimes i am so ready to be over this whole thing and getting on with my life. and other times i want to crumple into a pile on the floor and mourn my loss. i really miss my H but his anger and his distance and attempts to blame tells me that he's already gone.