The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Call from STBXW. D7 is sick and needs to be picked up from work. She wasn't feeling well this weekend and I'd already told D7 I'd pick her up if she couldn't make it through the day.

So that's no big deal. I can work on some stories from here or just work late. D7 is sitting and watching TV. I bought her some bananas for her stomach.

Then STBXW told me she'd broken her laptop computer. She dropped it. It's past the warranty date and she bought it from Circuit City so she was probably out of luck anyway.

She said she doesn't know what she's going to do. She can't afford to replace it.

I didn't answer. I'd say it's karma, but I don't really believe in karma. I mean, I'm the LBS and last year I snapped a tooth off and had to spend $2,800 on an implant. So I'd hate to believe that was karma.

I do know that it puts her in a tough spot. The only way she's been able to get off at reasonable hours in the past year is that she can do some of her work at home.

She'll have to replace it.

One thing about the computer that kind of illustrates how STBXW deals or dealt with money when we were together. She really wanted a laptop and she noticed a big sale at Circuit City. She showed me an advertisement and I went in and looked at our finances. I told her we could afford a $600 computer.

She said that would be plenty and she went out and signed up for a Circuit City card and bought it. Of course, 30 days later the first bill shows up and she spent $1,250.

I asked her what happened and she said she really needed this, really needed that and when you added it all up it came to $1,250.

Anyway, that means we CAN'T deal by email now. I have to call her. Great.

[ClingingToHope]

Quick rant:

Picked D11 up from after-school rehearsal. She started crying because a girl in her class that she doesn't like has parents that were getting divorced but are now getting back together.

She said "this has been going on for a year." That's true. It was Mother's Day when I was thrown out. So now Mother's Day is ruined forever for her.

The rant part. She said STBXW said we just aren't compatible. She's a loner and I like to talk.

I don't know why that bothers me. It's her justification for blowing up her family and putting her daughters in the poor house. I know it's script, but still it bothers me.

I told D11 that if we weren't compatible then we would never have gotten married. The problem was that I stopped listening to her over the years and if I could change that I would.

[awest1217]

What you told D11 may be true, but STBXW may also be giving the girls some insight into how she truly feels. Maybe she does feel like she would be better alone because of all of her own personal problems. Maybe she does feel that because she is more introverted and you more extroverted that it didn't work. I would say to be careful about discrediting what W says to the girls. Maybe say there are a lot of things that caused the marriage to not work and one is that I didn't listen to W. You don't want D11 going back to W saying "Dad says the marriage didn't work because he didn't listen" and so on. Don't say you agree with W, but don't discredit her either because they are her feelings and she is entitled to them, but you can put your spin on it.

[ClingingToHope]

Good points, Awest. I know I shouldn't respond to stuff like that because really, what's the point? I think it's still the pain of STBXW convincing herself that she never really loved me.

I know the less I say the better and the best revenge is a life well lived. D11 and D7 will make up their own minds.

The fact I'm trying to correct STBXW through D11 perhaps shows I'm still not listening. It's just sooo hard at times.

Maybe the fact it caused anger in me rather than deep sadness is a good thing? Or maybe not. Perhaps someday I'll just feel indifference.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe you'll feel better than indifference...maybe:
-thankful one day for this test you've got from God
-in love again one day, prehaps a deeper love, too
-stronger, more sure

One thing you have now you didn't have last year - certainty. I hope you find happiness in your developing life~

[ClingingToHope]

I was driving home yesterday when I realized that I've never really respected STBXW's intelligence. She's a hard worker. She knows her stuff when it comes to her job. But when it comes to finances, the house, the girls, I always second guessed her decisions or picked at or disregarded her opinions.

It made me realize how useless it is for me to hold on to that little bit of hope that this will turn around. I keep wondering why she'd rather go broke than work on the M. It could be that at least losing everything is her decision.

I know I can't go back and fix the past. I only can worry about the future. Tomorrow is mediation No. 3 and there really isn't much to talk about so I plan to sit there and let STBXW do all of the talking again.

Last week, I used the few times I did speak to work in that I still wanted to work on the M.

This week, if I get an opportunity I'll admit that I stopped listening to STBXW and valuing her opinion.

After that, the next big thing is the settlement conference. That should be difficult because most likely neither one of us will be talking, instead it'll mostly be the attorneys. I have a feeling I'm going to despise her attorney.

[iwantittowork]

I only can worry about the future.

no, no, NO NO. Hopefully that caught your attention.

You can not predict the future, so worrying about it is a waste of your energy. (Believe me, I know you think this is hard to do, I know, as I did this as well for 39+ years, so I know where you are)

Do what you can in the here and now, and then when you get to the 'next' present moment, you deal with it 'then'

Taking yourself out of the present moment to live in either the past or the future is such a waste of your energy.

I see a lot of your posts where you are not living here and now, but in the past or future. Where are you right now?

Let me state it another way. In your last post you spent all your time in your past, future, and in your STBXW reality, rather than your own.

While you were driving, what was the weather like? Who was around you? Do you ever find that you look around once in a while while driving and say to yourself 'huh, how did I get here already, I don't even recall the last few exits!'

If you do, those are signs you are not in the here and now, and are spending too much time elsewhere, and not with yourself.

CTH, Having been where you are, I can not stress to you enough how important it is to change your present state to a state of being mindfully aware of where you are, what you are feeling, and just accept them in that moment, and return to the present moment where you are, for you!

[SpyBunny]

If you do, those are signs you are not in the here and now, and are spending too much time elsewhere, and not with yourself.

CTH, Having been where you are, I can not stress to you enough how important it is to change your present state to a state of being mindfully aware of where you are, what you are feeling, and just accept them in that moment, and return to the present moment where you are, for you!

I think that applies to a lot of us here- thanks for the reminder, IWITW!

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks, IWITW. That sounds like Eckhart Tolles "The Power of Now," which I've read. I'm having trouble focusing on the Now because I'm in the middle of the D and I'm still trying to accept that this M will end.

D11 started bawling in the car yesterday because of what's going on with her parents and for the longest time she's held out hope and I've held out hope. I chalked a lot of this up to a mid-life crisis.

I'm trying to accept what I did to help her to this point and that's not valuing her as a full partner in the M.

Today is clear and a bit cold and I have a lot of work to get done so I can work out of town this weekend.

I hope once the I's are dotted and the t's are crossed I will let all of this go.

[awest1217]

By living in the now, you can work on the qualities you have learned helped in the marriage deteriorating and make sure you don't make the same mistakes with any future R's, but also with your girls. Learning to listen and making sure you truly hear their point of view and take it into account is something that you will want to learn to do with anyone so living in the moment will help you to focus on who is talking to you and what they are saying.

Focus on today and choose well today. Also you keep saying the M is over, and it definitely looks that way, but why can't you start today and show STBXW the revelations you have made through actions. Be the best person you want to be. You are already great, but if there are things you know you want or need to change start today and live today. Don't worry about tomorrow, but focus on you today.