tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I'm so sorry that you're going through the same thing, Miss. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, but still...I hope yours works out the way it needs to, as well.

He pushed me to out of control--I know that's lame. I can only control me. I actually threw something at him yesterday. At the time I'd wished it would have actually done some damage, but now I'm just sick that I did that. That is not the kind of person I want to be. I'm not sad he's gone--I'm actually a little relieved. I'm sad that my kids are going to miss him. I'm sad that he's more than likely going to use them as pawns. I'm very angry that everyone has pretty much left me to figure this out on my own. It's almost like I'm being punished for not wanting to be part of a marriage that turned so ugly. Like I'm just supposed to suck it up and deal with it. Well, I did. And it wasn't good for anyone.

Last time he moved out he went on this rant that he wasn't going to be "helping me out" by taking the kids when I have a day off so I could have some alone time. He was only going to take them on weekends when I have to work--which is every third. So even if it's every other weekend he gets them, I only have to find help three days a week & once every six weekends. Of course, that's IF he actually does what's right & takes them. That's a big *IF* there.

I slept much better than I thought I would. Woke up with a headache still, but that doesn't surprise me. I woke up at 4am I just laid there trying to think about what I need to do. I'm happy that I'm in *action* mode & not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I got up and looked at all the closet space I have now. And the space where his desk was. There's actually room to move. Room to breathe. I went out to take the trash out (he'd done it before he left, wonder of wonders) and noticed the attic door & strangely enough thought "...wow. How am I ever going to get all of the Christmas stuff down by myself?" how am i ever going to FIND all of the Christmas stuff up there? Weird how, that with all that's going on, I even momentarily focus on getting stuff out of the attic in eight months.

My brain must be on overload.

I have to wonder though, if he's gone (at my urging, although to me telling him to go if he was that unhappy is not the same as kicking him out--but whatever semantics at this point I think)...anyway. If he's gone & I have zero intention of letting him back in or trying to work this out, I am then the WAW? Can I still be on this site & use DB to just try to make this as painless as possible?

Oh wait...there they are. The tears I thought I was over.

No time for tears, I have to get the boys up in an hour and a half for school & they don't need to see me cry anymore.

Sucking it up, going to read a couple more other sitches and maybe start some laundry.

I am sure I will be back later. lol