Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

Another night of insomnia. Such nights are, thankfully, increasingly infrequent,

But, boy, the exhaustion can wreak havoc on the thought processes. There's some British BBC movie on in the background. In it there was a rather intense lovemaking scene. Despite a good first new IC session tonight, the scene spontaneously evokes four words in my mind: "I miss my wife."

But of course I miss her: after all, she no longer exists. She disappeared a year and a half ago and became someone else entirely.

Tonight, my new IC, who treated my SIL years ago and knows X's FOO, posited the phenomenon that the sudden death of horribly abusive parents (her estranged father five months pre-WAW Bomb) is known to not only expose long-buried pain, but to also bring out an overwhelming sense of relief and release: total, newfound freedom perhaps for the first time ever in life. Usually followed
- months or years later - by deep guilt over those feelings and over the drastic responses and reactions they precipitated. More importantly, it is much more of a permanent person-change then a personality change.

Of course, she said it all far better and more succinctly than I just did, She's a real plain-talker, this new IC.

And while i always felt this had something to do with it, what does it change? Nothing, Except, perhaps, to keep alive that last small sense of compassion.

Oh. well.

"What's done cannot be undone - To bed, to bed, to bed."
Lady MacBeth