I know the feeling(s). I backslid to similar inactivity on several occasions. Want some company this weekend? Tea? A walk? Movie? I'm a phone call and 20 miles away. Say the word, friend.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Maybe you're reading "rejection" instead of "Mom, I'm ready to try it out on my own."
___
Don't isolate. It's ok to drop some activities. Just listen inside to what you want to do. It's about rediscovering you.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
G=Woman, Well, thought I'd give it another try; another hello. One phone message, two posts. Not taking anything personally. Making no assumptions. Hoping your silence is due to GAL lack of time. Regards,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Twenty four year old son told me he was moving out next month, after I asked if he'd transferred money for 'rent' into my account. With the images of him being independent, I congratulated him and was happy for him.
Two thoughts occurred. One, that I fear that he'll never come back. That in his mind, once he's gone, he's gone. The second was that if he's out of the house, then he's off my car insurance. That I would sign the car over to him, give it to him and he'd be responsible for the kit and kaboodle. I have this high anxiety about drinking and driving and know that he's done that in the past.
After a bit I went downstairs to the Man Cave where he'll stay (away from me) especially since requesting a token amount for being here. I asked him questions about his moving, where he was moving to, with whom, was it in a safe area. "I love you, the door is always open." "Mom, when I move out that means I'm not coming back."
I asked him about visiting him (an hour away) and taking him out every now and then. "Uhhh.. nope." Eek.. suspicions confirmed.
"I'm happy you're getting your apartment, being independent. And I understand that me asking for rent prompted your departure. I just don't want there to be any bad blood or grudges. I know I'd do that with my parents when I was younger and I hope to avoid that."
He felt insulted.. injured? to be asked, expected to contribute at home. That he worked hard for his money. That I hadn't even looked for a job. And that he didn't want to be involved in a big emotional talk.
I suggested that talking helps folks know what they're feeling rather than just reacting. And that sometimes when I talk to him, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. He told me I was too anxious, worried too much about drinking and driving.. that he was 24 years old, had a job where he drove 90% of the time, that he was responsible. That my worrying did nothing good in the end.
So.. whenever he and I start getting close, I do something that pushes him away... brings up the impenetrable defenses shield.
I know it's a choice he's making. And that I can be an emotional marshmallow mom, wanting to protect my kids.. and at the same time have the subtly of a cast iron frying pan to the head when talking about things.
So, I feel I'm being punished. That's he's rejecting me while at the same time seeing me as inadequate. And that's okay.. they're assumptions (based on knowing him). I just keep in mind that independence is a good thing for adult children (thank you pals!). That his defensiveness rivaled what mine had been. And that I wish I knew how to talk the right way to move forward rather than away.
Anyway.. I've been laid up with asthmatic bronchitis.. the first time I've contracted it since the former spouse left over two years ago. It used to leave me incapacitated for weeks. I figure monetary stress is taking its toll. I can still move around but need rest.. and just took the cough medicine with codeine so I suspect my thought process is going to meander to dangling participles and incomplete thoughts and nonsense.
Anyway.. I've been laid up with asthmatic bronchitis.. the first time I've contracted it since the former spouse left over two years ago. It used to leave me incapacitated for weeks. I figure monetary stress is taking its toll. I can still move around but need rest.. and just took the cough medicine with codeine so I suspect my thought process is going to meander to dangling participles and incomplete thoughts and nonsense.
Asthmatic bronchitis. Thats' quite debilitating and exhausting, I had it once and was told it was caused chiefly by external irritants. Don't know if I'm remembering that correctly, but I do know one must slow down and rest to the point of almost total inactivity, non-exertion, You take good care of yourself.
*hugs*
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hope your bronchitis is a little better. I would imagine that you saw a doctor for that diagnosis and are on proper medication. On the son front and the rent, I have heard that before. It is quite a normal reaction I believe. What I did not like as much however was how he put down his mom. Boys will be boys I guess.
I waited probably a week longer than I should have, but was put on the antibiotics and steroids and laid low. It's amazing what the right medicine can do. And folks were wonderful in giving my daughter rides to her various activities.
And yes.. my oldest is being a pain in the ass. Didn't pay the nominal amount he said he would. He said he'd be hanging out with friends; still haven't seen him yet, to the point where I checked to see if any of his clothes were left in his closet. However, I get a slight sense of paranoia while on steroids and feel the urge to get angry, so I keep that in mind. It's a balancing act. I know he's pissed at me, doing passive aggressive stuff. I'm focusing on the big picture and figuring out what to say to him.. re: respect. I don't think you can tell someone to respect you, though.
My mother in law has taken a significant and sudden turn for the worse. I'm making the hour and half drive today to spend a few hours with her. My sister-in-law wants to review some things with me. My mother-in-law's voice is so quavery and sad, it breaks my heart. I have to work on not going overboard. After my last conversation with her, I called my mom because it was so upsetting.. just to get re-centered. I might bring a change of clothes in case I don't feel I can make the drive home.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. It turns out that almost all of us will get together to be with our mom. I'm adding a few days. It will be nice not to be the 24/7 mom.. just relish some mother/daughter time.. and helping her toss some of the clutter.
The house has less action than a puddle of mud in a drought. I've decided on my bottom line number for selling, which is higher than the price it would sell at. I'll probably take in a boarder in the interim. I'm in a convenient area for nurses, interns and professionals.
Anyway.. I'm sluggish today (meds) but will take a walk in the sunshine and rest up before leaving later today.
Take it easy and get some rest. No need to make it worse!
I hope I am doing the right thing with my kids. When S17's teenage switch engaged and he ran up a huge cell phone texting bill, I made him pay it back to me. When S14 broke his cell phone, I told him that even though I had insurance there is a deductable and he would need to pay that to replace his phone. They both understood. Not happy about it but understood where I was coming from. Consequences.
I hope that your 24 year old stops reacting long enough to relize that he doesn't mean what he is saying. It's been a tough year all around and maybe a bit of his attitude is the residue of that. Just keep being the loving, consistent mother that you are and it will all work out.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
