Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

I have for some reason been expecting to be served divorce papers very soon. I don't know, but it is just this gut feeling I have. It is unnerving to say the least.

She has said nothing to me, and she acts more and more distant and cold. Today she was back to herself. The weekend she was a little more nice, not much. It must be because she saw him at work.

Their thinking according to the OMW is very much the same as she has heard from OM in the past. She told me I could not control, her and I have never thought I had, but I had expected some level of respect. For example, she slapped a co-worker on the butt at a Christmas party at work, and I felt that was inappropriate even if she thought it was funny. I did not. She never calls to tell me if she is going to be late even before this Affair. It is these things she does without any thought about it. She says she does not think that she has to anymore. We have kids and are still married, so there are some things that should be done out of respect, and she does not have any.

I do not respond to anything these day. I am quiet and dark, but she is too. Oh well...

[DaddyLongShanks]

I did tell the OMW about Divorce Busting because she seemed to need some support, and this is the place to get it. I hope she will want to tell her husband that I contacted her. He will be the one angry this time. She said he is very narcissistic. I think my wife is starting to think the same way as the OM.

I hope he starts showing his true self to my wife and everyone else. I am sure he will not expect his wife and me discussing their R. I want to put him and my wife in the position they have put me and his W in. I think they will not be very happy. For that, I will be glad. They deserve everything they have coming to them and then some. I am very upset with her right now. It is so irritating for someone to not say "hi" or just show common courtesy.

I know that is the way with the WAS. My W is no different.

LSG,

I meant to respond last nite, but I was promising myself to take some time off of DB forums.

The more time she spends around OM, the more she thinks about him. So she may also build up this narcisistic shell or master it. The affair in itself is a narcissistic action.

I told someone in another post, that the reason we burst the affair is because she is connected to the OM. You will not have a good connection with your spouse while she is connected to OM. If you burst the affair, you have a better chance of connecting with her since the connection to the OM is severed or damaged.

Until that connection is broke, you have to wait like the rest of us and hope for luck.

Good luck on your sitch, and I hope things work out for you.

[LSG]

DaddyLongShanks - I think she is mastering it very quick. I know it will be very hard to have a good connection with the OM in this whole affair. Our MC counselor said that our R will never work out with the OM involved. I know that too.

I hope for "luck" and pray everyday that it will end. I still love my W, not that I tell her anymore. I am very disappointed in her too. She said in a low voice "good-bye, and have a nice day." I said you have a nice too, but I kept on thinking that I was telling her to have a nice day which is not what I mean at all. I will tell her next time "ok, thank you." That is the best I can do at this point. I am a very polite person, so it is hard for me to change the way I respond instinctively, but I am going to do it.

As always, thank you for giving me your thoughts and advice on my sitch!

[LSG]

For the first time in 7 months, I feel kind of good. I still little tings of what once was in my marriage, but I could get use to just feeling good again. I started helping my daughter more with her homework today. I had been a little negligent with it. I also went over what her teacher turned back to her. My is increasing everday. Maybe I am regaining a little of myself everyday. I sure hope it last it is lot better for me and everyone in my family this way. I will keep trying. I know it is a rollercoaster sometimes, so I have to understand that too.

For the moment, I will just enjoy the here and now and my kids.

I am finding that people are really being helpful with finding me a job as soon as possible, so I am prepared for anything. Nice, huh! I think so.

[LSG]

W came home at about 8:15 p.m. It was a little later than usual. She did call to see if the kids and I wanted anything from the store. I said we did not, and our youngest wanted to talk to her. He did. She brought some cookies and other things, and she said, "it is not from our money." I guess it is from either her mother or the OM. We watched a Bizare foods DVD, and the kids went to sleep after the first episode. She asked if I wanted to watch another episode, and I said "sure." We were on separate sofa. She mentioned that the cookies were for me. I said, "ok, thanks." It is strange to have your wife allow some cookies for you too. I would just assume they are for everyone.

All and all, it was a relaxing evening even though it felt a little strange to watch something alone with her since it has been so long.

I have no misconceptions about this evening, and I will continue to be dark and quiet. It is just a strange way to feel for me!!!

I did not get excited or feel our M is back because that is not reality.

[LSG]

Today is difficult to start. W is being polite, but I know she was hurrying to go see the OM today. It is a horrible feeling when you see a hint of the person you fell in love with, and she is not giving that to you. I just hate the knot in my stomach today. We have orientation for my son that will be starting school, and I just don't want to be around her with the OM in the picture.

I just would like this sitch to get better or end soon. That does not mean D to me.

I am extremely tired today!

[mb28]

LSG - All your feelings above I think are normal and very hard to deal with. I felt the same way. I thought I could end the A and control their R. I did expose and my H still denies (just friends he claims). I feel much better staying out of his A drama. Don't get me wrong I still think about it a lot. However, I have decided to let the A run it's course and make sure I'm the better option. I know the OW will eventually start nagging my H to not contact me, file, and commit to her. That will drive him away from her. I didn't trust that or believe it at first, but I do now. Letting go of trying to control the A has been the best thing I've ever done in my sitch.

I think you are doing very well considering the postition you are in, hang in there

[idontunderstand]

You are so right; you see a glimpse of the person you fell in love with and then, you can almost see her disappear right in front of your eyes.

I'm with you on the sitch doing SOMETHING. Limbo sucks. Hang in there and be a good dad. We will either have the patience and the testicular fortitude to do what we need to do to help our M not only survive, but grow, or we will know when enough is enough and we deserve so much more. Right now, I want my M back for me and our kids. How long can only one person try? I don't know.

Anyway, expect the roller coaster and try to just go along with it. Don't get too high or too low. I know, easy not to get too high!

Stay strong, you're doing fine. (I know it doesn't feel that way-nothing is fine anymore. It's relative!!!)

[DaddyLongShanks]

indontunderstand,

Its not even about hanging in there. Its about thriving, you have to GAL hard and not worry about what they're doing. If you can affair burst, then thats really helps. Other than that, you have to find away to focus onto yourself and what you want to do.

Want the wife back, but she doesn't want to be bothered with you? Can't do anything about it.

[LSG]

Hi mb28,

You and the other posters helped me through another tough day. I thought I was doing so good and feeling good yesterday, so I do not understand how I could feel so hopeless today. It just was tough, and I was so tired and had a terrible headache today. You are so right that I need to just stay out of the A business. I am better about doing that, but I need to detach even more. It is so frustrating knowing what I need to do and being able to do it. I have come along way since being on DB, but I know I have so much more to learn and do. I am so terrible about boundaries. I am trying to be the better option, but I have lot to do to show that I am.

I am not sure how to deal with a the situation when she wants to take the kids somewhere, and I know she does not want me to come. I don't know when I should or shouldn't go. That is really difficult for me now. She was going to take the kids to the bookstore tonight, but did not. It has been really windy today. I wanted to go but at the same time I did not want to go because I knew she did not want me to go. I would have stayed home just to stay awave from feeling crappy.

Thanks for your support!