formerly here we go again

[Jstar]

a few days ago i began to write a letter with no intention of giving it to h.

i keep reflecting on things that i've done over the past few months. i have moments where I just want to call him and be like nothing is going on but then i remember, oh yeah he doesn't want me or teh marriage, so can't do that.

i think i have done some horrible things, i know i have and done my fair share of wrecking the marriage. then in the same breath i hold true to my vows.

i'm not sure what exactly i'm doing, i know sooner or later i will either be served with papers or he will make contact. to me it feels like i'm just waiting around. i don't like that feeling at all.

if h was done wouldn't he disconnect my phone and internet he pays for? that's about all he's paying for at this point int ime, i'm very nervouse and concerned about money since i've been on maternity leave with no pay and my accounts are drawn.

h is aware of this.