Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[Marked&Healed]

No, doesn't matter at all, I can't do anything about it and I'm spending the next three days on myself and not thinking about anything other than how I'm going to better myself. Right now I don't really even care if he drinks 24-7, I never speak to him anymore, we say maybe three words to each other all day long. If I don't spend some time away from this on here, I'm going to just walk away at this point.

[Marked&Healed]

Last post just to journal:H went to MIL's tonight and said the following:
DSS15 and DSD16 are ready to go out into the world. They're pretty much grown.
He has to talk to me about separating our finances.
He has no contact with OW - she has to work on her own issues and he has to work on his (with no communication with me?)
I'm pretty much living my own life and we don't talk (true, but not by my choice)
He has to talk to me about what we're doing and where we're heading
He's sleeping on the couch but that the kids don't know b/c it's all put away by the time they're awake.
He's still certain that we're heading for D and thinks I've accepted it.

Comments? Should I continue to GAL or have a talk with him?

I won't be around for a few days while I focus on myself, so peace everyone and good luck.

[MrBond]

Re-affirm your stand that you do not accept the D, however he is entitled to do what he wants as much as you do.

Then start going out. Dress to impress even if it's just to the supermarket and show him what he's missing.

[bluestar]

I think that's great, Passenger. Take some time and clear your head. You'll know better what you want to do after that. I would, however, make sure that MIL knows exactly how things went last weekend when he was on his own. No matter what he says a 15 and 16 yr old are not ready to be on their own. She'll know that. Reaffirm to him and her that you don't want D and you're willing to work on things. Then, like Mr bond said, dress up, go out (anywhere). You'll feel so much better.

[25yearsmlc]

I have lived with an alcoholic and I have lived iwht someone in MLC.

IGNORING them just turns your home into a MESS, things go missing, get damaged, YOu can't keep a home stable for children with an addict living there for long...

You have to show them the door or get them in a program or you leave with the kids and find a healthir home that they arne't allow into anymore

Just detaching isn't going to help when you LIVE in teh same home wiht the addict... they will Make your LIFE HELL for as long as you live with them

I don't want to compete in the AA addict world but yeah, I have personal experience with the addiction issue on all sides in all directions aplenty. Irrelevant for this comment- WE are not using the same terms apparently. In this case, for Passenger, I don't mean detachment to = ignoring him...dear God no...I'm thinking much more tough love stuff. DETACHMENT for her, is to stop caring so damn much about what he does WHILE she gets the heck away from all this and if that means HE leaves and isn't in her face, so he can drink and "F%$)" then so be it. What on earth is good about the sitch now? Well, She's with the kids (his kids, but she loves them too) and she is in the house. So, doesn't something have to give/go? Will it be her or him?
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Last post just to journal:H went to MIL's tonight and said the following:
DSS15 and DSD16 are ready to go out into the world. They're pretty much grown.
He has to talk to me about separating our finances.
He has no contact with OW - she has to work on her own issues and he has to work on his (with no communication with me?)
I'm pretty much living my own life and we don't talk (true, but not by my choice)
He has to talk to me about what we're doing and where we're heading
He's sleeping on the couch but that the kids don't know b/c it's all put away by the time they're awake.
He's still certain that we're heading for D and thinks I've accepted it.

Comments? Should I continue to GAL or have a talk with him?

Well I'll bite, even though it's yet another "poll"...Pass, what is there to say that you have not said to him already? Have you done any 180's for more than a week or two? Could silence be one of them?

I mean you have had a lot of time in this sitch and it's not the first time and you have done a lot of talking. When you bring up the R or the future (Which IS R talk) or the A, which is also R talk, does it help? If he wants a divorce what diff does it make TO HIM, that you want him to stop all contact and all that...?? I mean isn't he thumbing his nose at you anyhow?

And if you are tempted to say "sometimes talking helps!" ask yourself if what you are referring to is a ML session when he's in the mood. B/C that is not what I mean by "R talk changing things"....what you really need to see is a change in him from talking about the R and so far all it does is push him away. You continue to force him to defend his choices by attacking and questioning them and yet you don't enforce or set meaningful boundaries (meaningless if not enforced) so what is the point of more talk? Besides, what he said isn't written in stone. It's what he said that hour of the day to his mother. So what? Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
I recall my DB coach saying that when you ask questions like "Why are you...." or "How can you do...?" it makes the listener defensive. When they get defensive they defend and solidify their answers. You want him to hear his own tiny little voice of conscience, IF HE HAS ONE that he can hear, and he cannot hear that when you are pursuing him and doing the R talk thing and correcting what he told his mother or defending yourself or wondering if he ever loved you and blah blah blah driving yourself crazy over this man....
Forget what he told her!

Are you at all financially protected if you guys split up? Would you poss be better off given his spending habits? I'm only asking to make sure you are not harming yourself in any way by waiting around for the other shoe to drop which sort of seems like what your life is like now.
that's my 2 cents. Hope you have a great time the next few days and that YOU take good care of yourself.
J-

[gardengirl72]

Pass,

I agree with 25y. DO NOT talk to him!

I pushed my H for an answer on whether or not he wanted to 'work' on us or not.....he moved to our cabin up north and said he was done and wanted a D!!

I still kept thinking maybe he REALLY didn't understand what I meant...maybe I should call and explain, yet again...do NOT do this....I did this and the results were terrible...it reinforced to him that he DID WANT to get a divorce.

That was in Feb....I went completly 'dark'...fully detached....and GAL'd, GAL'd, GAL'd...it was the HARDEST thing I have EVER done.

Every time I felt the 'need' to contact him, I reminded myself... "THIS IS HIS CHOICE!!" ...he will NOT listen to me.

With the help of that and reading here over and over and over again..... NO R TALK, GAL and DETACH.... I reached a point of being busy enough that one hour, two hours, then three hours went by without me obsessing about what H was thinking!

My H is still up north, BUT, now HE is calling ME and asking me to come up there. I still do not call him unless I 'miss' his call!

Again, everyone's sitch is different, but the common denominator here is......NO R TALK, GALing , and DETACH.....and it WILL be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

Remember, Pass, everyone is trying to support you, even though sometimes it feels like we're using 2x4's.

You take care of you....and everything else WILL get better! (((((pass)))) ....gg

[K4D]

25 is still at it. You are a true warrior 25. Hope all is well for you.

K4

[Marked&Healed]

Note to those of you following my threads on both forums, I'm going to post this in MLC and infidelity b/c I'm too involved in visiting with my friend to do this twice.

Hi all. I've been reading a lot, praying, thinking, journaling, visiting friends and family, taking care of the kids - everything except reviewing my sitch.

I'm good now. I was on a crazy, psycho roller coaster and really needed the time off. I feel right now very detached, very calm, very assertive, and like I'm coming from a place of peace and calm.

H mentioned to MIL that he thinks I've moved on. I do plan on telling him that's BS, that I'm still here and still ready willing and able to work on this M, and then just leave it alone. I've decided that I need to make sure he is clear that I'm "standing" for lack of a better term. However, no R talk other than that, no chasing... to be honest, I just don't care.

I've decided that this is a spiritual journey I need to make. When my H told OW in an email that I have become more and more religious (trying to make me sound like a religious nut) my first (ashamed of this) reaction was going to be hiding my faith. That lasted about 15 minutes and I just battled it and finally said "No, God is number one to me and I am going to draw CLOSER to Him, and let the chips fall where they may. Let H think anything he wants to about his "crazy" wife."

Then I kept posting on here and getting advice, most of it very, very good, but it was sometimes conflicting and I was so indecisive. Taking the time off has allowed me to really get back in touch with my intuition, with myself, and realize that if he leaves, I will be OK. I never, ever wanted to have the D label put on me, but if he does leave me, it will be his loss. I'm pretty OK with who I am, I have a few changes to make, but most of my journey will be spiritual as I believe that's where most of my growth needs to occur.

IF this is a MLC, I welcome seeing who H becomes. If it is not, so be it, then he's not going through a painful, introspective growth phase, he's just a jerk. Better off without him. LOL. Seriously, I love him, I want him, I want this marriage, but I've told the Father that I will accept whatever His will is for my life. In a strange way, I'm excited to see where I am at the end of this long, painful journey. I'm not happy to be on this road, but if it's His will, so be it, I welcome it.

I will stay married to him as long as I am able, continue GALing, working on my own journey, and see where the chips fall. I have not been told in any way by the Father what to expect, which direction to head, or anything, but I suspect it will be made clear to me soon. The one sad thing I may be reading too much into is that when I was looking for a bible verse to study today, it was in Matthew where Jesus discusses divorce... as I was driving to pick up stepkids, it dawned on me that it wasn't about fighting for love, or infidelity, but divorce... could be nothing, probably is nothing... but for a second, I did say "please, don't let this mean anything."

I have seen some positive changes - babysteps to use MWD terms - from H. For one thing, we've been laughing a lot. That had stopped after he started sleeping on the couch. He's still there, but for instance - this morning he was outside the bedroom door and I was fully dressed and made up. He said hello to the dogs, and I came to the door wagging and saying hello along with them. He gave me the biggest, most genuine smile - his eyes lit up (he always loves it when I act cute) and just said hello. He clearly was thinking I was adorable in that instant. He also mentioned that I looked like I am still losing weight, has said I look good, has been showing an interest in where I have been going and what I've been doing. We went for family night to a movie and I wore a skirt and put my legs up in front of him and caught him looking... and a few times, he'd cross his legs towards me and lean towards me, and then he'd scowl and realize it and consciously turn away from me... when he was leaning towards me, his facial expression was relaxed and happy. Now, the difference here with me noticing these changes in him is that I'm doing it from an emotional distance. I'm seeing it, marking them down in my journal, and letting them go. I'm finally detached again to the point where it's an interesting notation and that's all it is. Noticing these little baby steps should keep me focused instead of totally detaching to the point of just leaving... but who knows.

Anyway, he's not as "over" me as he said. I didn't see it before, because I was too close emotionally to the situation. Now I've detached and see it.

It may be that he's convinced himself that he can never undo the damage he's done, so even if he DOES allow himself to have feelings for me again, he may never allow himself to come back to me... but I'm going to be OK then too. Again, his loss. I hope and pray that's not the direction we head, but if we do, so be it. I have the Father and that's all I need in my life.

He told MIL that he hopes I date, he'd be happy for me if I found someone. I don't think she believed him. LOL. I know I don't believe him. I believe it would freak him out if he found out I was dating. He thinks it would make him happy b/c then he would be able to relieve some guilt, but he would not like it.

Guess that's all. I have an appointment with H tomorrow to go over our finances, as it's pay day and he's been trying to "learn" how to manage his finances. More opportunity to show him how good I can look and how awesome I am... then I'm going to spend the weekend having a good time with the kids and just forgetting to care about anything else other than us, the family. smile

[gardengirl72]

YES Pass!!

I think you've got it!

Remember, you take care of you.....hopefully your H will come around (it's what we all hope for) and if not, you WILL be ok.

You ARE awesome!!!

(((pass)))......gg