You'll find as this goes on, you can take NOTHING they say seriously..as most things they say do NOT make any sense at all; that is a serious sign of being mentally disturbed.
As odd as it sounds, when you mix out of whack hormones with emotional outbursts, you get quite a mix of stuff.
Going into the tunnel is kind of like heading into a blender where EVERYTHING is chopped and mixed up...and nothing is the same once they come out, IF they EVER make it out.
Funny thing is they KNOW when they are lying..then they lie about the lying they are doing.
Peeking out of the tunnel represents the "moments of clarity" they have at the oddest of times...then they jerk their heads right back in there..and it's also been termed as "MLC Fog".
The confusion is so deep they do NOT make ANY sense at all..and you just have to have the patience to just focus on you, and let them go.
If you try and make sense out of any of it, it will drive you insane, yet, YOU are expected to "hold the fort", and be the sane, responsible one.
Sounds like that guy from China is as much "out there" as she is.
Most decisions they make are based on how they feel at the time the "decision" is made..then the next day, they've changed their minds...with a half-baked explanation of why they did that....and all reason seems to have gone out the window.
You're probably right that she's hiding out due to her shame...now, when she'll come out is another story entirely.
As a rule of thumb, the quickest way out is to FACE ALL the issues you contain within, and that means everything you need to come to terms with.
Until that's done, it could take years.
I've been out of this myself for around two years, and I've had to search my memory thoroughly...I'd shared bits and pieces of what I'd remembered about me going through the tunnel, the memories are fragmented and broken. As well, they should be, as healing causes a fragmentation of memories, and many details are lost.
I don't even remember a whole lot of his MLC anymore. I was reading my own history of his MLC not long ago, and it was akin to reading a stranger's story..there was SO much I didn't remember about it.
All I retained was the lessons learned, and the events surrounding those lessons. Yet those memories don't affect me..they are just there.
When people ask the right questions, I am able to call up the right memory to answer the question, then it's gone again.
I, myself, had a rough time going through, as I went through the physical AND emotional phases back to back. Mine took LONGER than my husband's did. I was in it for SIX years; compared to his three or four. We both had the same back to back occurrences.
I suppose if I wanted to, I could blame HIM for me taking so long....he wouldn't leave me alone..he was afraid, just like I had been, and grabbed onto me pretty hard. I stayed angry at him for not backing off...much the SAME way he'd done me in the beginning.
The difference was, I had enough sense to back away; he didn't.
Like him, though, I didn't move out...I just endured through, facing everything..and when he grabbed onto me, emotionally, my processing actually stopped for a time; then started again.
I don't doubt I said many things that didn't make ANY sense to him, and it SCARED him. (I don't remember anything I said to him) To him, if I wasn't "acting right" something was really wrong. I would have moments of clarity(which were "peeking" out of the fog/tunnel), explain once AGAIN that I was going through the change, and I needed to be left alone. He'd seen the hot flashes I was experiencing, but yet, he would go crazy if he didn't hear from me at least once a day.
Most of the time though, he wouldn't listen to me; and he pressured me...yet, it didn't work, and I snapped at him every chance I got. He would get his feelings hurt, and a part of me would feel something, but a greater part of me wouldn't feel at all..it was like I was numb; incapable of feeling.
I was SO confused, wanted to run, seemed incapable of thinking straight. I had a demanding job(I was driving a truck), getting lost every time I turned around; coupled with tremendous amounts of pressure....I'm surprised I didn't literally crack from all the stress I was under.
I verbally attacked people without warning, was unstable; if I didn't finish my paperwork required of me at the end of the day, by the next morning, I literally could NOT remember where I was. I would have to ask someone what city and state I was in.
I'm surprised I wasn't locked up in the funny farm for my behavior.
I didn't do anything wrong, didn't have any kind of affairs, emotional or otherwise...I just seemed to NOT be able to get along with anyone, and I drove people away often as not.
That was the OPPOSITE of the person I actually am...I was and am a social creature, who really likes people as a general rule; but while I was in the tunnel, I was a completely different person.
It was like I wanted to do something wrong, but couldn't..the moral code I was raised with kept interfering..and it was strong enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
And, I was AFRAID, constantly, of everything. I'd hide in my truck for days on end, only getting out long enough to do what I had to do concerning my job...most of that time I didn't eat, wasn't sleeping well, afraid of the dark, just wanted to be left alone.
I took a natural medication to help with the hot flashes..it took the edge off, but didn't take it all away...and I still had to cope the best way I knew how.
I struggled for what seemed like forever...when I finally broke Withdrawal, I came out remorseful...couldn't stop crying about how I'd acted. My husband, bless him, hugged me and said it was ok, he understood, but I KNEW he didn't have a clue about what I'd endured while within The Change...or if he did, I didn't think he remembered much if anything.
I know there were several children within me, but I only remember one with any clarity...I was badly damaged emotionally(due to physical and emotional abuse) as a child..and there were so many things I had to come to terms with. It seemed that for every thing I settled, there would be one more, then one more, then one more....and the list seemed endless.
I remember different things at different times, so while this seems all mixed up...I DID come through intact and whole at the end. I was seriously surprised my husband stuck with me..I was a truly awful person during that time.
The point is, it's not easy, whether you're the LBS or the MLC'er.
Life is NEVER easy, even at the best of times.
Hang in there, focus on YOU..you can do nothing for her at this point. You can't fix what's wrong; SHE has to fix it.
She's the only one who can.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
