Not only does depression play the major role in the mlc, but the mlcer operates purely on emotions and not rational thinking.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You'll find as this goes on, you can take NOTHING they say seriously..as most things they say do NOT make any sense at all; that is a serious sign of being mentally disturbed.
As odd as it sounds, when you mix out of whack hormones with emotional outbursts, you get quite a mix of stuff.
Going into the tunnel is kind of like heading into a blender where EVERYTHING is chopped and mixed up...and nothing is the same once they come out, IF they EVER make it out.
Funny thing is they KNOW when they are lying..then they lie about the lying they are doing.
Peeking out of the tunnel represents the "moments of clarity" they have at the oddest of times...then they jerk their heads right back in there..and it's also been termed as "MLC Fog".
The confusion is so deep they do NOT make ANY sense at all..and you just have to have the patience to just focus on you, and let them go.
If you try and make sense out of any of it, it will drive you insane, yet, YOU are expected to "hold the fort", and be the sane, responsible one.
Sounds like that guy from China is as much "out there" as she is.
Most decisions they make are based on how they feel at the time the "decision" is made..then the next day, they've changed their minds...with a half-baked explanation of why they did that....and all reason seems to have gone out the window.
You're probably right that she's hiding out due to her shame...now, when she'll come out is another story entirely.
As a rule of thumb, the quickest way out is to FACE ALL the issues you contain within, and that means everything you need to come to terms with.
Until that's done, it could take years.
I've been out of this myself for around two years, and I've had to search my memory thoroughly...I'd shared bits and pieces of what I'd remembered about me going through the tunnel, the memories are fragmented and broken. As well, they should be, as healing causes a fragmentation of memories, and many details are lost.
I don't even remember a whole lot of his MLC anymore. I was reading my own history of his MLC not long ago, and it was akin to reading a stranger's story..there was SO much I didn't remember about it.
All I retained was the lessons learned, and the events surrounding those lessons. Yet those memories don't affect me..they are just there.
When people ask the right questions, I am able to call up the right memory to answer the question, then it's gone again.
I, myself, had a rough time going through, as I went through the physical AND emotional phases back to back. Mine took LONGER than my husband's did. I was in it for SIX years; compared to his three or four. We both had the same back to back occurrences.
I suppose if I wanted to, I could blame HIM for me taking so long....he wouldn't leave me alone..he was afraid, just like I had been, and grabbed onto me pretty hard. I stayed angry at him for not backing off...much the SAME way he'd done me in the beginning.
The difference was, I had enough sense to back away; he didn't.
Like him, though, I didn't move out...I just endured through, facing everything..and when he grabbed onto me, emotionally, my processing actually stopped for a time; then started again.
I don't doubt I said many things that didn't make ANY sense to him, and it SCARED him. (I don't remember anything I said to him) To him, if I wasn't "acting right" something was really wrong. I would have moments of clarity(which were "peeking" out of the fog/tunnel), explain once AGAIN that I was going through the change, and I needed to be left alone. He'd seen the hot flashes I was experiencing, but yet, he would go crazy if he didn't hear from me at least once a day.
Most of the time though, he wouldn't listen to me; and he pressured me...yet, it didn't work, and I snapped at him every chance I got. He would get his feelings hurt, and a part of me would feel something, but a greater part of me wouldn't feel at all..it was like I was numb; incapable of feeling.
I was SO confused, wanted to run, seemed incapable of thinking straight. I had a demanding job(I was driving a truck), getting lost every time I turned around; coupled with tremendous amounts of pressure....I'm surprised I didn't literally crack from all the stress I was under.
I verbally attacked people without warning, was unstable; if I didn't finish my paperwork required of me at the end of the day, by the next morning, I literally could NOT remember where I was. I would have to ask someone what city and state I was in.
I'm surprised I wasn't locked up in the funny farm for my behavior.
I didn't do anything wrong, didn't have any kind of affairs, emotional or otherwise...I just seemed to NOT be able to get along with anyone, and I drove people away often as not.
That was the OPPOSITE of the person I actually am...I was and am a social creature, who really likes people as a general rule; but while I was in the tunnel, I was a completely different person.
It was like I wanted to do something wrong, but couldn't..the moral code I was raised with kept interfering..and it was strong enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
And, I was AFRAID, constantly, of everything. I'd hide in my truck for days on end, only getting out long enough to do what I had to do concerning my job...most of that time I didn't eat, wasn't sleeping well, afraid of the dark, just wanted to be left alone.
I took a natural medication to help with the hot flashes..it took the edge off, but didn't take it all away...and I still had to cope the best way I knew how.
I struggled for what seemed like forever...when I finally broke Withdrawal, I came out remorseful...couldn't stop crying about how I'd acted. My husband, bless him, hugged me and said it was ok, he understood, but I KNEW he didn't have a clue about what I'd endured while within The Change...or if he did, I didn't think he remembered much if anything.
I know there were several children within me, but I only remember one with any clarity...I was badly damaged emotionally(due to physical and emotional abuse) as a child..and there were so many things I had to come to terms with. It seemed that for every thing I settled, there would be one more, then one more, then one more....and the list seemed endless.
I remember different things at different times, so while this seems all mixed up...I DID come through intact and whole at the end. I was seriously surprised my husband stuck with me..I was a truly awful person during that time.
The point is, it's not easy, whether you're the LBS or the MLC'er.
Life is NEVER easy, even at the best of times.
Hang in there, focus on YOU..you can do nothing for her at this point. You can't fix what's wrong; SHE has to fix it.
She's the only one who can.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Can someone help me understand something? Since my wife got involved in the EA with DJ, and subsequently moved out, she often tries to mask her negative actions by sort of taking on this moral high ground about what's right or wrong when it comes to our kids, other peoples problems, or whatever. The other day our son brought home a school progress report with a bad mark. My wife and I both sat him down and explained where we thought he needed to focus, improve his in class behavior, etc...
Our son became quite upset because my wife went a little bit overboard in her scolding of him. To her credit, it was nothing major. But, she did let him have it more than she normally would. He was supposed to spend the night with my wife at her apartment, but didn't want to go because he was pretty upset. So, I/we didn't make him go. After my wife left I sat and talked with him for awhile. One of the first things that came out of his mouth was, "Dad, why does mom have the right to tell me what is right or wrong when she is still talking to that guy in China? She's married to you, but she is still talking to him. What she is doing is wrong. It's not fair."
Man, how does a parent respond to something like that? I'd absolutely lovvvvveeeee to let HER have it, and cement in our son's mind what his instincts already tell him. I didn't do that though. I told him that mom is making a mistake, but that she is still his mom, and what she says about his schoolwork and bad grades are all true. I feel soooo bad for him because it's plain and obvious that he struggles with understanding the morality of what she's doing with DJ/the EA, and thus can't "get" what this whole MLC nonsense means in his 10-year old brain.
Mostly I'm venting here. But, one question I have is, should I mention to my wife what our son said? Part of me strongly feels that she needs to understand how her son looks at her. The other part thinks, 'what good would it do?'
No mentalradio, I can't help you understand it, but I've experienced a similar incident. At Christmas my H insisted on getting D11 a cell phone with capabilities that I didn't think she needed or was ready for. Anyway, he told her that if she didn't use it responsibly he would take it away from her. A couple months later I get an email from him telling me to tell her that she needs to stop downloading things on the phone as it was costing him extra money per month. I told him that was his deal and he should talk to her about his concerns. Come to find out what D11 was doing was receiving ringtones from her cousin and it was costing extra which she was unaware of.
Anyway, he told her that he had a problem with her not being responsible with the phone after he warned her about it when he gave it to her.
D11 understood where he was coming from, but wanted to know why being responsible was so important to him when he was the one that turned his back on all that he was responsible for and walked away.
I'm no expert.....but have been around. My advice would be to NOT tell your W what your son said. She will either not believe you (that your son SAID this), or come up with a scenario in her head by which she imagined you planted this idea in his head - or are "poisoning" his mind. I speak from experience.
IMHO if something comes up with your son again, continue to be supportive and remind him that his mother loves him and will always be his mother/will always love him. Steer clear of discussion about what you think is right or wrong about W's decisions - because you don't know what (and how) will get back to W----and because your son will and should make up his own mind. Also, it is so very difficult to remember, but the relationship between your W and your son is THEIR relationship and at this point should not have anything to do with YOUR relationship (or lack thereof) with W.
If you think it would benefit your son - or if you think she NEEDS to know how he feels, suggest that he talk directly with your W-----however, in the MLC mind anything they do is RIGHT (their sense of morality is their own - and since they think it is what they want - it rules)and.......even if it comes directly from him she might jump to the conclusion that you put the idea in his head.
The kids in the middle of this are the real losers......
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
"The kids in the middle of this are the real losers......"
Isn't that the sad truth..... :o(
I've read on here a lot of people make references to different 'personalities' that emerge from time to time in the mlc spouse. On occasion, with my wife I've seen instances where her personality makes a clear shift into someone who talks and acts like a teenager. If this really happens, and I'm not fooling myself into seeing something that's not there, could this child (lack of a better word) represent a time where my wife experienced something that she never was able to resolve on a psychological level? (i.e. her parents forbid her relationship with DJ when she was a teenager) Could my wife simply be looking for closure with that particular moment in her personal history? Is this what MLC is all about? Looking for closure, or perhaps trying to mature (psychologically) childhood issues that never got resolved?
When this teenage version of my wife comes out it sometimes seems like my wife is frozen in time, or maybe is a time traveller, and can't figure out who/where she is. When the teenager emerges she'll normally make specific references or statements that, to me, are clues to where her mind got stuck in time. For example, we have this hacky-sack type of toy that we bought for our son in China last year that sometimes seems to act as a trigger when my wife sees the toy. She's 40 now, but will start playing with the toy (nothing wrong with that I suppose), but, when she does, she will repeat stories along the lines of, "I used to be good at this. My world record is 24 kicks without dropping it." Then, those kind of statements usually seem to trigger other memories like, "I remember when my mom did this... One time, when I was in high school..." and so forth and so on... It's pretty eerie how she seems to replay in her mind the same memories over and over and over, and that this particular toy seems to act as a trigger for those memories.
Anyhow, it kinda leads me to believe that this whole EA nonsense with DJ may have something to do with her not ever being able to resolve the breakup on a psychological level. What are your all thoughts on this possibility?
Hello MR - I posted about this very issue and HeratsBlessing posted a reply for me - you are not in your own La La Land(thought I was though!!) - these 'children' are present and they represent 'stuck' time for our MLC spouse.
I have seen a 15 year old angry agressive teenager who has just lost his Mum (she died when he was 15) and a younger child maybe around 6 or so.
Even more reason to keep detached and validate but no R talks - teenagers work on hormones and high energy (from my distant memory)
Take care,
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Can someone help me understand something? Since my wife got involved in the EA with DJ, and subsequently moved out, she often tries to mask her negative actions by sort of taking on this moral high ground about what's right or wrong when it comes to our kids, other peoples problems, or whatever.
MLC'ers will often try to "fix" someone or something else. They often look for something more broken than themselves to have as "project" . It is a way for them to be moral with out actually being moral. ( If that makes sense).
The focus that they place on their projects, is necessary for them to continue on their path of avoidance. It is part of the denial that they have within.
Fixing someone or something else will often take a priority over looking within, because they are NOT broken in any way if they are able to "fix" or control something or someone else.
It is a symptom of something deeper within the MLC mind than I want to explore.
I wouldn't view it as any kind of "breakthrough".....Just normal MLC blah blah blah....
If you listen though.....there will be moments of true clarity, mixed with some morals that will make your head spin.....
Most times, the true confusion will be heard through these conversations. Conflicts and double standards will shine through the MLC'ers words....
If you are careful, and can listen without talking ( or laughing at the skewed vision of reality) ....It CAN give you some really good insight into the twisted thinking ......
