formerly here we go again

[Jstar]

Update:

I don't want to go over every detail of what's been happening but in summary, h has said he loves me but won't work on marriage because he will never get over pain.

so i had to quickly set some boundaries:

before any future visitations occur boundaries and rules will need to be set, i asked him to let me know when he's ready to go over them. (h hasn't seen kids on 12 days, been claiming he's so busy) h has a habit of coming in and out of kids lives, i even documented this from 2008 when we were seperated.

Since nov 09 i've documented things as well.

next msg i said was it is best for kids and will make the divorce easier then we can have our attornies look over documents. (what led up to this was me asking if he wanted me and marriage, he replied with no I don't, i won't make it to much pain, i love you but i can't take it anymore, u use my kids against me)

i don't know if what i did was dbing, but here's my feeling on it: he says he doesn't want to be married anymore or want me so that means divorce, so i think i was validating his feelings in the sense of okay you don't want to be married to me i will support you all teh way so we can get divorced and move on with our lives.

Since then i have gone dark.

History that led up to this point:

Since seperation nov09 i've been dark pursued set boundaries(?), given birth to our son. all april has been he wanted me to embrace his family, so i went to easter/bday party at park even stayed after h left, spoke with his mother, that was one of his complaints that me & his family don't get along, so i did all be it one day.

he was c oming over ever now and then but then his other job picked up so he'd say he'd be coming to visit then wouldn't show up and not call to reschedule or just notify me. Of course i got pissed off, he has a horrible habit of doing that, well jstar if i'm working that's all taht matters.

oh yes that was another of his reasonings: jstar once i get a job all our problems will be gone. so i said hey you got a job now for a month, all our problems are gone, right?

for whole month of april i've heard how busy he is how tired he is to visit with his kids or work on his marriage, kept saying be patient later later later.

to me that indicates does not want to be married nor can handle a family.

so here we are:

i'm thinking to myself, i really don't think i'm asking for much. to have a bond with my spouse, him to let me know if he's gonna b elater or not show up, know where he works, share his feelings, be with us after/before work, put me kids his priority balance his work and family, give full financial transparency heck any transparency, not to keep secrets.

isn't a spouse supposed to want to be with you?
respect each other?

when i say if he loves his kids or me he'd find teh time, is that so wrong to believe that. you know i'm really starting to question what i believe is a marriage.

don't you check in from time to time with spouse if working? aren't you supposed to know how much they earn, or just see a check stub?

[Jstar]

i'm under the impression h is giving classic script yet again. so i need to look at some goals and try some other dbing techniques. don't want anymore cheeseless tunnels.

personal goals:

start exercise program
go out atleast 1 time a day with both kids


realized i do some sabotaging of marriage as well.

[Jstar]

sent msg 2day saying im sure he wants to visit with kids so lets figure a time to go over some details.

[Jstar]

a few days ago i began to write a letter with no intention of giving it to h.

i keep reflecting on things that i've done over the past few months. i have moments where I just want to call him and be like nothing is going on but then i remember, oh yeah he doesn't want me or teh marriage, so can't do that.

i think i have done some horrible things, i know i have and done my fair share of wrecking the marriage. then in the same breath i hold true to my vows.

i'm not sure what exactly i'm doing, i know sooner or later i will either be served with papers or he will make contact. to me it feels like i'm just waiting around. i don't like that feeling at all.

if h was done wouldn't he disconnect my phone and internet he pays for? that's about all he's paying for at this point int ime, i'm very nervouse and concerned about money since i've been on maternity leave with no pay and my accounts are drawn.

h is aware of this.

[Jstar]

i broke for contact, said something to effect of : im sure he wants visit with kids im all for it after we work out some details.
he ignores.

next day i send:something to effect of we made decision me stay home with kids not return 2 work and he support us. did he have any intention of fullfilling that?

response: every friday ill give u $. keep in mind havent seen any for two wks.

tellhim about how i can't drive my care have no$. ask him point blank if he plans on going over details and coparenting, his response i'm busy.

so i say ok i'll make all the decision, you refused. i'll make them all in the best interest for the kids.

i think he went to work.

we need to discuss, healthcare, visitation schedule, when i return to work, daycare, holdiays, you know the normal divorce crap.

k

[TrentC]

Jstar,

It's been a while since I've looked at your situation but it seems like you are in the same place as you were several months ago. Has he really come no farther along in all this time? Is he still playing games with you regarding child support, visitation, financial support, and so on?

Are you really still so fixated on his behavior? You sound like someone griping about their teenage son, not a grown adult. It seems like you keep being dragged into the same arguments over and over again.

There is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject of emotional reactivity.

[Jstar]

Trent C,

What do you mean fixed on his behavior? (what he is and not doing?)

I can say yes he is playing game still but then I think i probably I am as well? $ is sporadic if/when he gives it. I usually have to jump through hoops to get it.

Visitation he blames it on my why he wont visit with them. He only mentiones older child not newborn.

So yet another two weeks have passed and he hasnt visited with kids.

Nothing has really changed, son was born.

I dont really know how to proceed, I want him to be the man in our lives, father,.

I'm not supposed to believe what he says, right?

?How do i get unstuck????

[TrentC]

What do you mean fixed on his behavior? (what he is and not doing?)

Yes.

I can say yes he is playing game still but then I think i probably I am as well? $ is sporadic if/when he gives it. I usually have to jump through hoops to get it.

OK, so what is your plan to break that cycle? If you think you are playing games in the R, maybe that is a good place to start making changes...

Visitation he blames it on my why he wont visit with them. He only mentiones older child not newborn.

Has he even seen the newborn?

So yet another two weeks have passed and he hasnt visited with kids.

Nothing has really changed, son was born.

I dont really know how to proceed, I want him to be the man in our lives, father.

But he has to want that as well. And from what it looks like, that isn't the case. In all of these weeks, he's done nothing substantive to indicate he wants a change?

I'm not supposed to believe what he says, right?

And you're only supposed to believe part of what he does. But has he done anything that communicates to you that he wants to continue being married to you?

?How do i get unstuck????

Make a change. This simple graphic applies quite well, I think: http://thisisindexed.com/2010/04/how-to-get-unstuck/

[Jstar]

In the past weeks, I can think of times where he has said things that have led me to believe he does want the marriage and not done things that said he does want the marriage.
1. has not disconnected the cell phone he does pay for
2. has not filed for divorce
3. suggested church counseling - don't know if he was serious or not
4. kissed my forhead
5. let me know i aroused him (just man thing or wanting marriage??)
I can look for things and cator it to that need or go the oppositve way.
1. said loves me but to much pain
2. can't take it anymore
3. says he's never gonna change

I guess what i'm trying to say is i think we both are conflicted. we both have ALot of pAIN froM WHAT we've done TO each oTHER, neither one of us have Unstuck ourselves or so i think for him.

i have no clue what he does.

I did allow him there for the birth, when saw son was we can work it out jennifer, for a short period of time it was okay, positive then situations happen and we both mess it up.

i know there is love there between the both of us.

make a change, i could and i have no clue if it is going to be worth it. I guess since we do not have a pending divorce there is always a chance.

On Easter i was with HIS family he was shocked and mentioned it the next time we spoke.

He always just wants to pick up d2.5yr and i could be okay, take both kids for an hour or two. that way he gets to see both kids, see what it reallyis like to care for 2 such young kids with no help.

if he really does follow thru - time will only tell.

I believe if I DO NOT make a change - serious drastic change the situation will continue as it is.

I guess just trial and error of what change to make or do?

suggestions?

[TrentC]

The impression I got from your earlier situation is that your husband likes to buck authority. IIRC, he's been dodging collections people trying to repo his truck, he was playing games with you trying to serve him divorce papers, and more.

I would say that now is the time to go dark. No contact. Start making plans for how you are going to live your life without him.

If he complains, then tell him plainly that you are tired of the game-playing. He has two choices -- straighten up and be a man for you and for his kids, or get divorced.

IANAL but when we discussed this before, we figured out that may not have to actually be handed the papers in order to be served; there may be options such as having them delivered to a known residence. Courts are generally smarter than idiots who think they can run away from process servers.

It will be the time for him to decide what he wants once you really, really drop the rope.