Sounds like you'll be having fun on the coast with your family. Nice to get away from it all, 'eh!?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Son and I had a good week away, thankfully we were only on the uk coastline so no problems with the current air situation. ex hasnt contacted son the whole week we were away, maybe just letting son get on with his week away, or missing the fact that he used to enjoy the week at the coast with us, who knows who cares, we had a good time thats all that matters. x
Welcome back, Mandy. Glad you had a fun time on the coast. I bet your X does remember the good times, although MLCers do tend to rewrite history. It doesn't matter --- you had a good time, and that's all that counts.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
From what I can see from reading, your husband looks to be going through the "awakening" process...the OW doesn't look as enticing as she once did.....his life is in shambles...he knows this and guilt is weighing heavily upon him. His confusion has started again, evidenced by his forgetting days, dates, time, etc...that is also a preliminary of the awakening they experience. It is also a time of the crossroads of decision. He is there, now, trying to figure out what he needs to do.
His attempting to reconnect with son is actually a good sign that he's doing some deep thinking. Things don't look right, smell or taste right, still yet, and only he can decide to come forward...and you're doing right in continuing to let him go.
Him looking so terrible recently, is evidence of the battle being waged within..which is ALSO part of the awakening process. Anyone who is suffering a battle of the mind/morals always looks like crap that has been twice processed...no sleep, no rest for the wicked is how it's been termed before.
His mind, once again is running at full speed, and I think he's afraid of every little thing in the dark that seems to be coming for him.
I almost feel sorry for him..it is a terrible time to be had. The conscience can be a hard taskmaster when a person has done what he clearly knows is wrong. Yet, when wrong is being committed, the suffering/guilt is severe.
Things could go either way at this point. He could decide to dump the OW, and begin to come forward, or he could continue on this path, willfully cast his conscience aside and decide to continue what he's doing; even to the point he might decide to marry OW.
I'm hoping he chooses to dump the OW and come forward, at least to get on a more moral path toward his own wholeness; even if that path doesn't lead back toward you in the beginning.
OW is doing NOTHING for him, except dragging him deeper into his own destruction.....on a side note, if he comes back toward you, and you reject him, he will suffer the SAME feelings he put you through.
I'm not saying that for you to feel sorry for him; he CHOSE his path, and if he loses all because of this path, he deserves what he gets.
MLC or not, people ALWAYS have a choice to make, good or bad. Even though the MLC'er exists in a fog, the choice was always there to make for them..and most make the WRONG choices, getting into trouble, suffering consequences that are harsh most of the time.
That said, what you mete out, in the way of good or bad, WILL come back. It might not come in the SAME form you sent it out, but it will come back and bite you hard; what comes around, goes around. If good, it comes back better. If bad, it comes back worse. That is my belief on that.
You, my dear, are doing GREAT..PMA is great, you're getting right on with your life, and you KNOW that you'll be fine regardless of what happens. From what I can see in your writings, if he attempts to come back to you, you'll most likely NOT have him back unless MAJOR changes occur within him.
If so, this would be the result of the changes of perspective within you over this time that he's been gone. You've learned that marriage is not a means to an end, and you are a VERY successful person.
You are an inspiration to many here on the board, Mandyloo, believe that.
Take care of yourself, if you don't, no one will.
Much love and hugs to you, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
ML, You say you do not care, but like many of us on this board, there is still a little ember left?
I wish I could say I was 100% done w/X but I don't know if I will ever feel quite that way. Because MLCers leave in such cruel ways, it is very difficult to forgive, too.
I do, however, recognize that it is important to break that attachment. I think I am moving forward with that....
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Mandyloo...you have been at this a long time and are doing well. You are an inspiration. I started this journey in May of 07. I don't really post anymore but still check in for encouragement. I think my original post was under the name hurtinginside. I separated from my wife in March. She was miserable and I was miserable after almost 3 years of the same. I didn't want to be the reason or the cause of someones unhappiness. Even though I knew it was not me....it was and still is MLC(I think!).
Maybe I should update my thread if it's still here.
I don't mean to highjack your thread but if I could ask HeartsBlessing to expalin more about being afraid of the dark. I still talk to my wife daily when I see the kids. When the kids are with me she sleeps on the couch and I asked her why. She basically said she is scared to sleep upstairs by herself. I said of what and she said the dark, monsters and she sort of trailed off. I do feel terrible for her, I'm out of the house and the happiness hasn't followed yet. I just don't understand the being afraid of the dark thing.
Sorry again Mandyloo...your sitch will be in my prayers tonight.
Hello Matt-14, (Sorry Mandyloo for hijacking your thread)
Quote:
I don't mean to highjack your thread but if I could ask HeartsBlessing to expalin more about being afraid of the dark. I still talk to my wife daily when I see the kids. When the kids are with me she sleeps on the couch and I asked her why. She basically said she is scared to sleep upstairs by herself. I said of what and she said the dark, monsters and she sort of trailed off. I do feel terrible for her, I'm out of the house and the happiness hasn't followed yet. I just don't understand the being afraid of the dark thing.
While the Midlifer is going through the transition/crisis, the feelings that come about are literally child-like...it's as if the fears of the "boogeyman" from childhood come back to life.
I experienced the same feeling as I went through, I was afraid of the dark, or what I THOUGHT was in it. I also saw my husband go through this same thing..he slept with the TV on, and a light on in the bathroom...it was to "chase away the monsters", as I recall. When he'd say that, he'd look at me to see if was going to laugh at him or ridicule him...I did neither, I just left the light in the bathroom on as requested, never saying a word.
As I'd already seen "children" within his personality, I had no trouble accepting his explanation. One child was as young as 4 years old, the other was a 15 year old teenager. The teen wasn't afraid of the dark, but the 4 year old was. Quite honestly, I liked the 4 year old, and was protective of him....I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't REALLY a 4 year old, but the actions were so typical of one, it kept trying to "trigger" the mother in me...and I had to keep myself from appearing as "mother" to him. Yet, I took care of him, soothed his fears, and let him lean on me. Our son got a kick out of what was going on, and played with both children at different times.
As the children within are being "settled", the Midlifer is taking a trip back into his/her childhood, and along with that trip, comes the fear of the dark....a replay of sorts in that area of their lives. The children come from unsettled issues within them that came from damage done in childhood to their psyches..and these come forward to be settled as they go through the transition/crisis.
It sounds strange, I know, but it's TRUE...the adult part of the Midlifer knows those fears are silly, but the CHILD part of them doesn't know the difference, and when they try to explain it, the adult part of them fears that they will be thought of as nuts or crazy. That's why your wife trails off when trying to explain why she can't sleep upstairs alone..the adult part of her fears you'll think she's crazy, when really, she's not...there ARE children existing within her that come out from time to time. These fears are VERY real to her, even if you don't understand them.
Something also about the dark, and the quiet, unsettles them, and their minds are the most active at night of all times...I'm not sure why that is, although I, too, experienced the SAME thing.
I'm thinking it's most likely because during the daytime there is enough activity to keep the mind occupied, but at night, you cannot stop the fears from coming through..and those fears can take the form of childhood monsters you were frightened of as a child.
Being afraid is normal in the transition/crisis..there are so many things that have to be faced. Then you add in the "children", and it gets really hard for them.
I don't look for her "happiness" to come about since you've left the house...she will, in time, figure out it is not YOU, nor is it anything to do with you...it is ALL about her, it always was.
I hope this helps, Matt. Always remember this is a spiritual battle of the mind and emotions..and there's nothing you can do to help her..she must help herself.
You can only be there when/if she needs you.
May God help you and her to come through this crisis. Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
