Question

[Kalni]

Happy Birthday!!!!!
Stay strong
Hugs
Maria

[Lucky11too]

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day! =)

[awest1217]

Well, the day is about over and...I don't know what to say. Mostly sat around the house and did nothing. S was very funny and sweet. My brother and SIL came over and they are going to take me to a cubs game for my birthday. There are two problems with that 1. I dislike baseball 2. S doesn't get to come so he is staying with my mom. Number 2 is a problem because I hate being away from S. I know I need to let go because it is very unhealthy for S to always be with me, but since H left S is all I've got and honestly I am worried about H taking him from me. I can't imagine having to give him to H every other weekend. It just kills me thinking about it. I am sure I will have fun, but still...not something I really want. More of them trying to push me.

I got a gift card to a store I don't like from my in-laws so I pretty much got nothing there. I will probably just use it on getting S some shorts because I don't even like the clothes for him there.

H text me at 12:30 to say Happy birthday. He then asked about plans. I thought there might be plans with my fam and friends, but that was about chicago so nothing going on. H, S, and I went to a restaurant and then got me some free ice cream (coupon for my b-day). We came home and not too long afterwards put S to bed. H kept yawning or crying the whole time we were together. It was just weird. He did get me a "wife" card which was weird. It said how happy he is to be my husband, but nothing written from him. Just love always and his name. He got me a willow tree figurine that says I love you. After putting S to bed, I asked if he wanted to stay to watch a movie. He said no because he has papers to grade (third no in two weeks). He was teary again so I asked what was up and he said he didn't know. Then he left...teary.

He later text me to say that he was just thinking about how much he missed being part of a family. I said that he could be, but that is his choice to not be. He never once came out to say that he wants to be with me. He did some sweet things, but then left when I asked him to stay. Still so crazy. He also said the last few weekends in group he was getting at taking responsibility for the demise of our relationship, and pushing me away. He said he loves me, so I said but not enough to want to be my husband. He said he never said that, which he hasn't but he won't say he wants to be with me either. I just am so sick of all of this. It only happens on holidays or special occasions.

I really just need to be completely done with him because I don't know what he wants. I have been thinking about sending him an e-mail explaining how I feel so I will keep thinking about that.

Thanks to all for the b-day wishes. It really wasn't too bad. I really only wanted to have someone get a card for S to give to me and i would have been happy. All the other would be gravy. Soon S can make cards so that will be great.

[ClingingToHope]

Ugh. That is an emotional roller coaster. Well, another big "day" down. It's good to get through it isn't it. My next one is my 14th -- and probably last one in this M -- in nine days.

[Lucky11too]

Well, I know it didn't go exactly as you had hoped, but like you said, at least it wasn't horrible either. I'm glad H made the effort to come over, take you out, and buy you a present/card. It's all kind of confusing and contradictory though. He's happy to be your H card and an I Love you figurine??? It would be cute and sweet in any other circumstance, but if that's how he feels, then why can't he live it out? Like you said, he doesn't know what he wants with you, but wants to have a "family", but just not enough to sacrifice for it. That's where I feel my H too and it's frustrating! It puts us in the middle of their indecision and their crazy emotions and it's just not fair to us. If you feel you can get thru to him by writing an email (or if it will help you get some of these things off your chest) then by all means, definitely write him the email. If he hasn't already figured it out, you love him and want him to be apart of a family with you but like you were telling me, it's works both ways, and that involves showing love and some sacrifice on both sides. It's just hard because the question just seems so simple - do you or do you not want to be with me? Somehow, this question still ends up being so complicated and convoluted! But at least you've been doing your share of being open and honest with him. He is and continues to push you away and I hope his therapy (or you) can get thru to him in time before he is completely closed out of your heart or a D is filed. You have a great attitude for life though, so just keep it up!

[awest1217]

Today was fun. My sister did plan a surprise party at my brother's house. It was all of our friends and very sweet and fun. H knew about it because he asked about plans and I told him I thought something might be up so he checked in with my sister and found out. He sent me a text that said I hope you like your party...probably a pity text because there isn't anyone to do that for him and even if someone did there isn't anyone who would come because he only has one friend...OW.

I had a lot of fun today, but because of yesterday I am tired and have a huge headache. I am going to send H one last e-mail to let him know what I am thinking. I am trying so hard to meet him half-way. He got me the sweet stuff so I asked him to stay, but there is never another step. He has this wall up that he won't breakthrough. It was ultimately a good weekend...now very tired and feeling sick.

[ClingingToHope]

I took a marriage rebuilders class and one of the things that jumped out at me was this question? Is it true that a marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Most people said yes or they raised their hands.

That's false, the pastor teaching the workshop said. It's a 100 percent proposition on your part. You can't control H. So if you do something only because you are trying to get H to do something in return -- meet you halfway as you wrote -- you're doing it for the wrong reasons and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I was guilty of this for years. I'd be super hubby for three or four weeks -- cooking, cleaning, taking the kids here, there, everywhere. Then if STBXW didn't do something in return -- usually sex -- then I'd crash. You know, 'what's the use' thinking.

The email may help, but I doubt it. Haven't you emailed him in the past? You gave him a clear message -- no OW -- but then invited him to stay the other night even though you believe OW is still in the picture. It's that kind of wishy-washy thinking that probably lets him think he can keep stringing you along forever.

Don't you deserve someone willing to come 100 percent in your direction?

[awest1217]

I agree CTH. I have gone back and forth and I think I am so wishy-washy because now he is getting some help. He is going to rehab, which is even more intense than just going to a counselor every other week for an hour. He has sessions on Saturday twice and Sunday so it is a lot more intense than just counseling so I am just wondering if I should hold out to see if things change or not.

Also I don't know where he is at with us. I can't really tell if the gift and card were a small attempt to win me back or just getting a card. I mean he didn't have to get that card. He could have done what I have done the last few times and get just generic cards that say happy birthday, but he got that one. It just all has me thinking.

Lastly, I don't know what is going on with OW. I don't check-up on him at all. I have no idea if he sees her a lot or not. I don't know if he talks to her all the time or not at all. I don't know if he stays with her when her husband is gone like last year or if he stays at his parents except when at rehab. I have also wondered if he chose this particular rehab because OW moved and really he is staying with her and going to counseling there. It all comes down to I don't know.

I have never wanted to get a D, and only felt that I should because H wasn't making any attempts towards an R at all. Now I don't know if he is really trying or just playing me for a fool. I haven't heard from him at all today or really yesterday either except for his childish text (or could also be a genuine text) about how I was enjoying my party. Otherwise I have heard nothing and I returned the text yesterday so I don't know. I don't want to file when I really don't want a D, especially now that he is getting some help. I know that he will need some time to work through his stuff before he can start working on us so I just don't know right now and although i am still planning on filing at the beginning of the summer about 1.5 months, but as we all know on this site, things can change in a sitch in a week so who knows where we could be by then. Right now I feel very distant since I don't ever know anything about him and he doesn't share much, but at the same time I have a little hope. I know crazy...

I decided to not send an e-mail. I did think about my reasoning and what you said CTH, I just needed to be reminded of. I have to do things because I feel it will help us and not becuase I want to push H to something. Also I have to be patient and let him come, if he does, on his own. He knows everything I would have written anyway so why say it again. It just kills me to think he gave me what he did this weekend and could possibly be with OW for her birthday doing who knows what next, but I can't think or focus on that.

On to making dinner

[ClingingToHope]

If you're not ready to file, then you're not ready to file.

How do you know he's in rehab? Just asking. Are you taking his word for it or have you driven him there?

He's jerked you around so much over the years I'd find it hard to trust anything he says.

Hey, I'm also a little jealous. At least he acknowledged yours. My birthday came and went without a word from STBXW. In fact, while I was celebrating with the girls she was at her L's office. I know this because she signed for a temporary order on child support and visitation stuff and dated it that day.

I've been told by others that shouldn't mean anything. I don't know. She's so cold hearted now I think she may have intentionally set the appointment for that day.

The girls, especially D11, are growing more and more frustrated with STBXW. They don't understand "we aren't compatible" or "we're not right for each other."

I mean, yes, we fought sometimes and there was tension. But they also saw years of good morning kisses, hand holding, flirting.

[awest1217]

I have no way of knowing if H is truly going to rehab especially since it is in another city. I am just trusting him as he is saying he is going, but for all I know OW has moved to that city and he is going to see her. I have no idea because I don't check-up on him. He is going to live his life, and i am going to live mine. Like I said, I am not going to file for another 1.5 months. By then, I will know if he was really going because insurance paper work will come here in the mail, if it never comes, then I know he wasn't going. Plus there should be some change in his behavior by then if he really is going (maybe not reconciliation, but a change). Also he hates living with his parents so I am sure he will soon figure out what he wants to do with his life because he really hates living at home, and yes I know he is living at home at least most nights because he talks about what happens there also OW's H only has home games most of the rest of the season so no chance to stay there... All in all I feel that I will be able to make a sound decision by the time I have enough money saved. I am doing well right now so I should be good to go by then.