The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

oh,

and yes...good point on exposing to best friend. I am waiting to see what he will do with my dad. My dad won't speak to him AT ALL and gave him the silent treatment during son's bday party. It was VERY uncomfortable but I understand where my dad is coming from.

[newmama]

whoa- OW sounds pretty psycho!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Basically, OW was at husband's apartment and she went through his things and found a lot of pics of him and I together. When husband returned to his apartment from work, he said she had tapped the pics all over the apartment and still started fussing as to why he had saved pics of me. He told me that he had been trying to break things off for the past couple of weeks and she flew to his state during the last part of her spring break. Husband said that she started ripping up the pics and then took a hammer and swung it at him.

Hmmmm. Sounds like a real bunny-boiler, that one! Best to keep the stove and the hutch locked!!

Puppy

[Allen A]

ok

So, basically he's turning to you not because he's grown up, but simply because he realizes he's physically safer around you when his back is turned...

Not particularly motivating.

You need to look long term here 4luv.

You can't give him a shot because you love him. If you want a LIEF PARTNER you need to know you have a person who will be there when things are crap.

Guess what?

Things got bad with OW and what did he do?

Look at how he HANDLED that situation... She's pursuing like a clumsy newbie divorce buster and he bolted and headed for the door.

Think long and hard on this... he's just playing a safer bet here... what aobut when he's having a MIL or your business takes up a lot of your time, or some attractive woman hits on him?

Think long and hard here... Yes, he's working the reconcilliation plan... working it well, but seriously... He's a wayward guy now... Is your H working on his marriage or hiding from his OW?

[june72]

Allen is right, I think. I think he is looking for his comfort zone. I wonder if she did a 180 if he would be back with her again? Ugg.

I mean would he even be pursuing you right now if the OW hadn't gone batty?

I have a feeling he really played her. Like he was desperate to get away fom you and all the pictures really shocked the heck our of her. SHe then probably realized he was an amazing at lying. If I had to guess.... Who knows...

[4luv]

I have had the same exact thoughts regarding husband's motivation to want to work on his marriage. So what do I do? I mean, it seems that my only option is to see how he plays the whole thing but try to stay detached as much as possible. I really do wonder if OW hadn't started going crazy and started to pressure husband if he would have had a change of heart.

i have to wonder though don't MOST affairs usually end when the Wayward spouse realizes that the OW wasn't all they are cracked up to be or they start to notice significant differences between OP and the left behind spouse.

I have been thinking long and hard about this and my hesitation is the fact that husband had OW visiting him that week so the affair could not have been THAT close to being over. If I am about to break up with someone then I give the hint by not even seeing them. The only thing that can counter that is that husband could always use OW visiting as an opportunity to see his son.

Please give me any advice on how I should play this. Right now I am treading VERY slowly and seeing how husband's actions stack up with his words. And yes, I do want to know if husband will just run to the next woman when things get tough or stressful with us again. So I am open to any comments as to what to do.

thanks for all of you guys support and words of caution. Keep em coming :-)

[newmama]

Well here are my 2 cents. OW is a crazy chick. You must have already suspected it but your H was not seeing it obviously. FINALLY he sees it- it's his wake up call!

So IMO would you rather he be back because OW dumped him or because he dumped OW? I am in favor of the latter.

If I am about to break up with someone then I give the hint by not even seeing them. The only thing that can counter that is that husband could always use OW visiting as an opportunity to see his son.

And As are addictive relationships...and I think once you get the court ordered custody agreement in place, with specifics on where and when your H will see OC, then there could be an angle in there for preventing H and OW from being private together. Sorry I don't know the details of it yet- it just seems right.

SO did you give your H a list of things you need from him to do ?
Is he transparent and accountable for his whereabouts?
Has he written a no contact letter/ end of the A letter to OW and shown you and have you made sure it was emailed or mailed?

And expect with 100% certainty that OW will contact your H (I KNOW they have a child together but I mean in other ways). So he has to tell you whenever she does.
You can also have them agree to only communicate about when he will see his S and if there is a problem. Otherwise, no news is good news.

Do you have a way to check his accountability and see who goes into his apartment?? I know you might not feel like you should have to, but his word is worthless so you need to be able to see if he is being honest you know?

[Lotus]

If they are not still interested in the wife, when they break up with OW they go looking for someone else. He is coming back to you. Did you ask him why he did have all those pictures of you? I doubt many of the WASs around here leave with a bunch of pictures of the wife.

[june72]

I feel really strongly that the marriagebuilders site would have some great input regarding the OW child sitch. I think there are few here that I know of dealing with that.
I think you should be very, very dark and let him prove himself. Otherwise in the future I think you will have doubts and worries. He has to find a way out of his mess and show on his own that he wants to really work on changing.
Therefore, I would be extremely worried if you decided to move back to his area. He drove you away with his behavior (don't forget his teasing you about OW...). If he wants to get back into your heart- I think ON HIS OWN he should move back to you. Only a person that is desperate to get back what they have lost would move heaven and earth....
His actions should really show you- he will be a great talker- I am assuming. All sorts of nonsense on how he feels, etc. I think that if he sucks you back in- he may change back to his old ways.


So I hate to say it but extremely dark, IMO and wait a long time. If he is committed to you- he will be several months later. I am concerned that a few days after the OW dumps him he suddenly has a renewed interest in you....

Oh, and if he asks what he can do to go back with you. I would say something like seek serious counseling and write me a letter on how you are going to make amends. I think if you tell him what to do. He will do it and then not be genuine and later may turn it on you. "Well-you told me I had to do this but I didn't want to" If he goes to counseling I am sure an good counselor would tell him how to make amends... it's his job to figure out. You can point him in the right direction but he has to lead with this not you, IMO....

[Allen A]

I would give him at least six months of hoops to jump through... THROUGH YOUR FT... do NOT TALK TO HIM

Marriage is a life time of hoops... if he can't handle six months of them then you know he won't make it the long haul.

I just don't like this contacting him stuff... I really don't think its helping you. If he's talking to a FT then that's all he needs right now and he's in good hands. You can get any INTEL you want through your FT... stay AWAY from him.

Make him do six months of hoops before you contact him.