The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

THANK YOU newmama and Lotus but I am not piecing yet :-). I appreciate the encouragement while I am dealing with all of these details. I have avoided talking to husband since his talk because I am angry still. I also still don't trust the reason that husband has had this "change of heart" and frankly I can't begin to open up to him until I know that his intentions are true. So we are still remaining separated probably for remainder of this year because their has been alot of damage done. I don't like staying at my parent's house but now that I know that OW has been to husband's new apartment (yes this is a piece of info husband told me) I won't be moving in there if/when we really reconcile. Husband told me that he knows that I have my doubts but he really thinks our marriage can be built from new and even stronger.

My situation is alot more complicated than others becasue husband has a child with OW so there is always that connection. I am going to ask God to continue to guide me and give me strength, wisdom, and patience.

[Allen A]

Hi all and thx newmama for catching up on my thread.

I had typed out a long update but realized that I had even more to say and I am not quite ready to share it all yet. To put things short, my husband and I talked face to face this weekend (he talked , I listened) and he came out with a lot of things that I already knew from snooping and alot of things that I had no idea of. HE is still saying that he wants so badly for us to reconcile, etc. and that he made this mess and he wants to clean it up and hopefully I will give him and our marriage another chance.

I am not ready to share everything because I knew that an affair was happening but the realization of hearing my husband say what happened, why, what he felt at the time, etc. is more HURTFUL AND PAINFUL than I ever imagined. Now I feel bad because I prayed daily for my husband and for my marriage and it could be a possibility butnow the pain is too much.

Question...how do you decide how much of the truth you want to hear. I almost feel like if I know too much I won't be able to move past it. My husband cheated with this girl while we dated and now this betrayal after we were married just hurts. And the fact that I thought he "got" how much pain he caused me when we were dating and for him to do it again I just don't know. My mom is telling me to go slow and see if I can give it another chance but to not move in or do anything for another 6 months (I agree) but my dad is saying to cut my losses and move forward.

Husband was wearing his wedding band again and he did make hhis first appointment with my FT. I told him I won't go with him rihgt now and he understood. He says that he has a lot of work to do on himself before he can build on our marriage but hopes that I will join him in FT eventually.

I would keep the truth coming. You don't know if you can trust him... Well, you need the TRUTH to make an informed decision.

You need to know exactly how many times he's cheated and lied and taken advantage of you. It will hurt like hell, but you need to know what you are getting involved with.

But more importantly... HE needs to see how HURT you are when he tells you. HE needs to see the damage he's done. If he doesn't tell you the truth, and you don't give him an opportunity to appreciate the damage he's done... You are both getting back into a marriage with blinders on...

In AA 12 step programs there is a step where the addict needs to take full ownership of the damage they have done and work with you to resolve all of the offences... It's a necessary step.

You don't need to know the details of sexual activity, but you DO need to know how many times this guy has done damage... The extent of the damage is what you have to assess here.

Question : Has he made any effort to contact your father and apologize for this mess?

I suspect not.

DO NOT do ANYTHING with him until he has made an effort to repair damage there too. YOU are the easy one to win back over.. the EASIEST in fact... its your parents and any close friends or family of yours that have washed their hands of him.

He can't just win you back and expect you to clean up his messes with them... if he wants back in, he has to win your father and mother back on his OWN.

I would tell him THEY need convincing first.

[newmama]

4Luv you are so smart to require custody through the court for the OC (other child). And good for you for not rushing anything. You are doing very well- very strong!

[Marked&Healed]

4Luv, it took me a few months to heal from the affair H had last time and that was an EA. We used Surviving Infidelity as our manual and H was patient, I asked questions and eventually just stopped. It does get better, I know it doesn't feel like right now it will, but it does.

[4luv]

So my husband has exposed to his best friend (the best man in our wedding) everything that happened. His best friend is supportive and told husband that he did the best thing by ending the affair and coming clean with the truth. Husband's best friend lost his wife and marriage about a year ago and desperately wanted to make it work but his wife had enough.

I am pleased that husband exposed his affair and what had been going on to his best friend. One of the issues I had was that no one but husband's mom and one brother REALLY knew what happened so I am glad that husband is not trying to look like nothing happened amongst our close friends and family.

Husband is also changing both of his cell phone numbers. I asked him if he was willing to do it and he didn't hesitate. He said that the work cell will take longer to change but that he is going to tell HR that someone keeps calling his number and he needs to change the number. He keeps saying that he wants to do whatever it takes to earn my trust and forgiveness. He didn't even balk at sending a no contact letter this time (we haven't written it yet but before when I suggested it he had excuses for why he had to remain in contact due to the child). I suggested contact via an email account that we both have access to in order to discuss child issues with OW.

Why is he doing things so easily? Does that mean that the affair is possibly not over or did OW just piss him off enough for him to see her true colors and want me.

[Allen A]

I think he's just fed up with her for now... he's been CLOSE with her and reality sunk in and he's running... to YOU

Two years from now when reality sinks in he will be looking at OW again or a third female to escape to.

This is WAY TOO EASY... I don't buy it.

And sorry to burst the bubble, but he has exposed to two people :

You
His best friend

THAT is EASY... let him try telling everything to YOUR FATHER... I suspect he is gonna avoid that one like the bubonic plague...

If he DOES meet with your father and own everything and your father's impressed then I am too... But right now telling his best friend and you isn't a huge climb.. you KNEW most of it and his best friend... well, its his BEST FRIEND... not a major hill to trod over there either...

[Allen A]

He's trying, lets throw him a bone and sit back and see what else he does.

But 4luv I really don't think you should be driving his reconcilliation plan, the FT should be guiding him.. with you giving FT input indirectly...

You are in contact with him... let him try this wtihout you contacting him.

[june72]

I agree with what Allen posted above. He needs to do some serious work on himself. Prove that he can live alone for a while and not seek out another OW. And what about the situation with the OW child? Will he cut all contact or have an intermediary? She still lives in another state from him?
That is a huge issue....

[Allen A]

It just sounds like OW dumped him when he told her he didn't want her living in his apartment...

This doesn't mean this man has grown up at all... he's just going back to familiar territory...

Is there any INTEL on OW and her attitude towards this guy right now? What's the likelihood that SHE will steer clear of HIM?

Any security or reassurance there at all?

[4luv]

Allen,

I don't have any intel right now on OW attitude towards husband. That is what I really want. I know that husband feels like OW betrayed him (yes, I know ironic for husband to talk about betrayal) when she called me and another time when she contacted me through text over Christmas holiday. Basically, OW was at husband's apartment and she went through his things and found a lot of pics of him and I together. When husband returned to his apartment from work, he said she had tapped the pics all over the apartment and still started fussing as to why he had saved pics of me. He told me that he had been trying to break things off for the past couple of weeks and she flew to his state during the last part of her spring break. Husband said that she started ripping up the pics and then took a hammer and swung it at him. That is when husband told OW "I am done with you. You need to leave." Husband told me that their affair (he used the word relationship) had become more volatile and she started doing alot of things after I moved away that got him to start reconsidering things. For example she would say "this isn't reallly your son" or something that she knew would cut husband deep (guilt him about not being in son's life for first 10 months). Since this fight, husband told me that OW texted him to apologize but he keeps saying that he is glad its over with. I know...I don't believe him and it just seems too easy...I completely agree with you and June on this point.

So yes Allen, to me it seems as though he is running in my direction because OW started to become jealous and act out more.