Yes NM, I feel like he should do the packing but don't trust him to do it...he would leave all the junkie junk that we keep but we don't know why!
When I was out working on the yard yesterday afternoon, neighbor and his drove by on their golf carts (small town, saves gas) and the son, stopped and also offered any help and to not hesitate to call! Dangit! I am going to miss these people if we have to move! The son, was a senior in HS when my S14 was in kindergarten! Always thought he was such a nice kid! Made me want to cry, not sad tears but like on Exteme Homemakeover tears!!!
H called D11 this morning and said he would pick her up and they'd go do something fun. He hooked up the log splitter that we share with someone else to take it to him in another town and then they went for ice cream and apparently his "work friend" called and asked about going on a bike ride so he drops D11 back off at home and goes to do that...think it might be a total of 3hrs spent with her. Also, he did not get the mower going like he said he would....
I was able to talk myself out of letting H's actions get me down today but am still sad about what he is doing to his kids... He did get his mail and had to have seen the boxes I packed but didn't take any of them...D11 said he found a new place to live so he can start taking his stuff anytime!!!!
Just wondering if you ride a bicycle side saddle like you would a horse when you are wearing a skirt? (for those who might not understand this last sentence, H's OW belongs to a religion that requires the women to wear skirts)
I was able to talk myself out of letting H's actions get me down today but am still sad about what he is doing to his kids...S14 is camping with the BS so D11 and I went to Applebys for dinner and rented a movie to watch!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Talked with DB coach today. She understands that H is in MLC but she thinks that being almost totally dark is not working. She thinks it was good for ME, to get to the point I am now. She said that when I withdrew and went dark, that it seems that he has withdrawn farther. He was offering that if we needed anything, to please call, he was seeing the kids more often and since Good Friday, he has only seen them once and has not called them at all and dumped my daughter off early to go ride bikes with "work friend". It does seem like since I pulled away, he has pulled away farther too. I NEEDED to and am glad that I did but, he NOW it seems he is pulling farther away from his kids.
She wants me to set up a meeting with him to discuss a having a visitation schedule with the kids and to also discuss that they will be left alone during the day all summer and what should WE do about this?
She wants me to try and get him here as much as possible, fixing and doing things...it would be time away from OW....and would be a good opportunity to mention what his intention is with all his stuff as if we have to sell the house, he will need to either move it or put it in storage as it will look better less cluttered.
She also said to ask about making arrangements to get the truck back home....she thought that would be enough for now...
She said that so far...he is not really feeling any of the consequences of the choices he has made yet, he is living pretty good and that does make sense to me...he is still cake eating in a sense.
I welcome any thoughts!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Gosh, CW, this sounds very similar to where I am with my H. I, too, have noticed the increasing distance as I've detached more. Although it's helped me a great deal, I've wondered lately if I should try to encourage a bit more contact just to change it up. The problem is that I really haven't been able to find any credible reason to see H, or even call him. Our Ds are grown and live elsewhere. H hasn't done anything around the house for years, preferring to hire things out. Because his work often took him out of town, I learned to handle most everything on my own anyway, and have always been independent and capable. We communicate via email about finances, and dog custody when I have to travel. That's about it.
H is feeling some consequences though, I think. I suspect that the cost of his rental house bothers him -- like $$ down a rat hole, as he always said. His relationship with his Ds is very strained. I know that holidays are hard for him when I arrange to be with Ds and he is alone.
I don't know. My situation is so stagnant, but my gut just says to still give him space. Perhaps something will happen to shake things up, who knows? I guess I'll just keep moving forward on the path I'm on until a different one presents itself. Patience...
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
CW - that's very interesting what your coach is suggesting. I guess continue what works, change what doesn't. Time to switch gears into a different strategy? How do you feel about that? Are you ready to interact with H more?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Hi Twink...yes, it looks like you have been at this awhile! I have also been advised to be careful because what works for one, might not for another and don't want to be smothering (which I haven't been since H left...guilty of it before that though) or controlling...I kinda like my "safe" darkness! But, it is not doing the kids any good and I at least need to try on that front!
Also, it is kinda hard to GAL when I don't get a break from the kids! They are alone a couple of nights a week while I work so I hate to leave them on a Friday or Saturday night too!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Mila-I was just replying to twink about how I felt "safe" in my darkness! I know I needed to do that for me. The thought of just letting it be would be easier and "safe" (I am non-confrontational by nature) so maybe I DO need to do this.
I think I can handle it better now than I would have even a couple of weeks ago. I will have everything written down and some responses for different scenarios.
I have no expectations at all.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
But, it is not doing the kids any good and I at least need to try on that front!
I totally understand this. Good for you.
The questions that I ask myself repeatedly during this journey are what will be best for me, what will be best for my Ds, what will set the best example for my Ds, and what is most consistent with who I am. I can honestly say that, with the exception of the night of the B, which is still a blur, I have very few regrets about how I've responded to this challenge. That's a nice place to be, no matter what happens with my R.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
CW - I understand about the "safe" place detachment offers. It's a relief from the months of emotional agony interacting with our "crazy" H. And it's scary to leave the safety. But if you are strong enough it's worth a try especially if it would help your kids to see their dad more. Of course...no expectations.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
