Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[flowmom]

Thanks for the links 8.

I just want to re-iterate that it's OK to give yourself a break from your H. He gave himself a GIANT break from you by moving out...so you are under no obligation to be available to him at any time. In fact IMO it's important for you to listen to how you're feeling and act on it. That's coming from a position of strength rather than playing a totally passive role with respect to your H.

[Number 8]

Thanks for those links. I'm going to check them out. I'm very excited that now you will make dad proud with that tomato plant.

Since I don't eat tomatoes, I really only do this for my father. It shows him that I am not completely reliant on big business to provide my food. Again, I won't eat a single one of these tomatoes.

I kept busy with friends all weekend. It helps keep mind off of neverending H sitch some. It's positive but also kind of like passing time until the sitch breaks one way or another. You can only rush the sitch by immediately getting out of it yourself. Otherwise you have signed on to be the object of indecision and accusation awhile.

Hear, hear. Good advice. I'm going to keep staying busy.

Hope you have a good week and boxer dog keeps out of trouble!

There's a better chance of one of these than the other.

I also think if you haven't hit an anger stage yet that you are going to start having them at some point. Beware! They're no fun.

Funny you should mention this. I spoke to IC last week about some anger I felt was simmering under the surface.

Well, it has reached fever pitch today. I have been furious with H today. I'm so mad right now I'm shaking. I'll post about it in just a few minutes.

[Number 8]

Thanks for the links 8.

I just want to re-iterate that it's OK to give yourself a break from your H. He gave himself a GIANT break from you by moving out...so you are under no obligation to be available to him at any time. In fact IMO it's important for you to listen to how you're feeling and act on it. That's coming from a position of strength rather than playing a totally passive role with respect to your H.

Wise words, flowmom. I am very angry with him right now, so I anticipate taking a long break from him. Thanks for this bit of advice. It's very appropriate for me right now.

[Number 8]

I am what some might refer to as "fighting mad" right now.

This week is an important week for several reasons at my work. One, we have a week-long event by which the state judges us and the federal government provides funding. Naturally, H should text me something to throw me completely off-kilter. Two, I'm receiving an award at my organization's board meeting tonight. There's a reception prior to it for spouses and family. My best friend is coming to be my date since my spouse will not come.

This morning, H texts with this: "FYI I have to go over to the house today and get my [liquor store job] shirts and some other clothes so don't freak out if it looks like someones been in the house"

I responded, "When will you go?"

He wrote back, "I just pulled in why?"

I said, "Just embarrassed at the way things look. Please don't use the computer." [Sorted laundry was on the floor. DB site up on the computer!]

He said, "Lol I'm not gonna use the computer, and u were never embarrassed before it looks fine"

I replied, "Maybe I never was embarrassed before, but I am now. I'm in a state of flux there. Didn't want you to see it out of order."

He said, "It's fine I have blinders on :)"

Later, I wrote, "Did you get things other than shirts?"

He responded, "All the clothes from my closet"

I asked, "Did you purposely wait until I wasn't at home?"

He said, "It's just how it worked out but Mondays are my day off so I will probably come get stuff on some Mondays"

I fumed about this for a little while, and then I told him that I would like to talk to him in person this afternoon. He waffled about errands he needed to run, but I would not let him off the hook so easily. I told him I would prefer to voice some concerns in person, and he agreed that we could do this after my event tonight.

I plan to tell him that he violated my trust today. Early in the separation, I shared some fears with him. I shared that I was afraid that one day he'd show up here unannounced with family members and say he came to get his things. Another fear was that I would come home one day from being out (at work, somewhere else) and find that he had been here and taken some of these things. He empathized and told me he understood. He said he would respect this.

Not so, evidently. I am extremely upset and unhappy that he did this.

Though my father has said since January that I should change the locks, I have laughed it off. Now I am seriously considering it. I'll process it for a few days so that I don't make a hasty decision, but I feel very betrayed. Again.

[Onthemountaintop]

I asked, "Did you purposely wait until I wasn't at home?"

He said, "It's just how it worked out but Mondays are my day off so I will probably come get stuff on some Mondays"

Respond, don't react. Text less right away. He DID give you a valid reason for being there at that time.

You are still married. He didn't abandon you, he separated. There's a big legal and emotional difference.

Don't let your opportunity pass you by. WHY are you angry? Look for the solvable reason, not the anger. The emotions are up to you to control. Maybe in that anger is a need that you and he have not tapped into, yet.

Wouldn't it be nice to have the IC's home number for immediate service!

Consider:
Why does he have to call first? He saw you naked and you saw him the same way. This is a person you love. Let your love help you tonight, not your anger Number 8. If he wanted you to prove the marriage is no good - what a nice way that would be to have you spewing demands.

It sounds like fear, not a violation. How would you feel watching him take himself more from your life? Do you think he loves taking it from under your nose? Give him some credit - he did/does love you and you love him. There must be some good somewhere.

Emotions are right or wrong. let him know with your good side how you felt. What you thought that meant. Remind him how much you think a better understanding of him and yourself could make your M a very happy place to be.

Changing locks maybe against the law. Even if it weren't, imagine what that tells your H. It says, "you're gone, I don't even trust you". Why would he work on that kind of R?

DO NOT feel guilty about your feelings - you are feeling them. Just try your hardest to master them. I know from my experience that words said are so much harder to pull back when the R is in a bad state. Unless you really have decided you hate him, then do what Boxer did to your property instead of doing it to the man you married.

If you want him to turn back and look at the M again, you need to give him hope, too. One day, if things do work out, be sure that he will thank you deeply for your olive branch during the storm.

[Onthemountaintop]

Oops - I meant "Emotions are NOT right or wrong"

[rr22]

Stay dark on anger days or you will start a fight that could set you back weeks. You have to exercise, journal, vent it to a friend, or get it out in IC. It's not fair. But I bet your dad would be happy to listen to a big earful of it. LOL.

If you want to allow him to come and go, and I think there's a good argument for that, make a habit of hiding your laptop or putting on a password before you leave the house. Put your self help books or whatever away where he won't see them. Other than that, who cares if he sees your dirty laundry? He's living his dirty laundry.

How can you leave stuff out on the counter for him to see if you change locks? How can he kiss the turtle or boxer in private if you're there? For all you know, he's laying in your bed feeling awful for a few minutes. Let him.

[Onthemountaintop]

For all you know, he's laying in your bed feeling awful for a few minutes. Let him.

I remember one day laying in bed and smelling my Ws smell on the blanket and that made me want her more...

[flowmom]

8, I have sympathy for what you're going through. I remember the feeling of disbelieving outrage that I had as H slowly removed his belongings from our home. But to be honest, I didn't feel like he had to ask my permission to do that (unless they were clearly mutually owned/used items) or even notify me that he was going to. I think that asking for notification before he enters your home is a reasonable request. Asking for him to notify you before removing belongings that are his, is not helpful for your sitch IMO. If you have a tendency to manage him and overcompensate, then you don't want to be in scenarios where he feels like he's asking you for permission to do things that he has a right to do. You're totally justified in feeling a whole range of feelings about the separation and all the milestones of that (like moving his stuff out), but I want to discourage you from making it be about *how* he does those milestones. Every piece of evidence of them cutting their ties with us just plain hurts like hell and I would just focus on going through the grief of confronting the evidence of his intentions.

[Number 8]

There are excellent posts from yesterday, and I thank everyone who contributed. I'll be responding to each of them after this post.

NOTES FROM THIRD IC SESSION:

*I told IC that I feel like sometimes H and I are having different conversations, even when we're talking about the same issue. She said that there are always times when we are not heard or understood.
*IC said that it's not uncommon for people to build walls to communication by judging, giving advice, or sending solutions (all things that have happened in my situation).
*Blaming (my old familiar friend right now, with me as recipient) happens often with miscommunication. Blaming also leads to the blamer sending solutions that are not solicited. When solutions are not accepted, then the blamer feels justified in further blaming the recipient of the blame.
*IC said that it sounds like, considering all of the above, my H is using his words to defend his position at every opportunity. He is not looking for solutions or attempting to understand my feelings. Therefore, my options for meaningful communication are limited if he only wants to defend his position.
*IC and I discussed the difference between power and control. This discussion was a continuation of our discussion from last week about recognizing the things I can and cannot control. We discussed situations in which emotional power and control could be beneficial and detrimental. [If you're interested in reading about this, read James J. Messina's article, "Handling the Use of Power and Control," at livestrong.com.]
*The discussion then shifted to my need for approval and how this need is connected to my difficulties in setting boundaries with others.
*She suggested that I spend the week thinking about ways I can work on being "okay" with myself and my decisions without worrying about selected people's approval or disapproval. Self-empowerment was discussed here, too, and she said to remember that I have permission to make decisions for my own reasons. I should give myself the power and permission to choose things that are in my best interest. In other words, I do not have to be so accommodating to others! [If you want to see what I read about the need for approval, then see James J. Messina's article, "Handling the Need for Approval" (same site as above).]
*During this discussion, I realized that part of my problem with the separation is that, on some level, I've been floundering because I feel I have lost H's "approval" or "affirmation." I'm high in words of affirmation in 5LL.
*IC said that when I'm faced with a decision, I should ask myself these questions: Why would I do/am I doing this? Do I feel obligated to do it? Do I want to do it? Do I choose to do this because I care for this person? Does this involve a sense of duty? Will a sense of duty or obligation make me resent this person/situation?
*She let me know, however, that when I begin to set boundaries, I will find out who is able to respect my boundaries. She said that there is risk involved because I may lose friends or possibly anger those who are accustomed to my accommodating nature. She said that if I change, others may not like my terms. I should decide the situations where the risk is worth the possible repercussions.
*On the other hand, if I set boundaries and enforce them, it will allow me to be more authentic. This will lead to further inner strength and self-empowerment.
*IC and I discussed two episodes of a physical manifestation of anxiety/stress. On two separate occasions, I have had temporary tingling and numbness in the fingers of both hands. Yesterday, my ring and pinkie fingers of one hand curled in toward my palm, and I had trouble straightening them for several minutes. Since these were temporary and went away as I worked to relax, she is not concerned that I have a medical condition. I must use the tools I have already used to come down from these anxiety attacks.
*Some time after my mother died, I noticed that I had a tendency to take very deep breaths (though it took me a while to recognize that I did it regularly). I thought it was just a calming/soothing mechanism I had developed. As I better coped and time wore on, these decreased and then disappeared. Of course, since H's and my separation, I noticed that this habit has returned (though it took me a little less time to recognize it this time around). I learned today that I am having multiple mini-episodes of hyperventilation on a regular basis. IC was very emphatic that part of our work next week will be on training my body to breathe properly. Interestingly, she told me that for people with anxiety, it's recommended that they practice deep breathing 4 times a day, every day. Good to know.

Once again, I'm pleased with my session.