I think if you believe in MLC, then you could say he is in one. But MLC is many things. It is severe depression that is being denied. It is self destructive self medication with affairs, alcohol, or drugs. Notice any new clothes, hair care, or other forms of instant gratification? It is an overwhelming addiction to the release of endorphines produced in the body just like the response to addictive drugs. He isn't lying about being addicted, just too stupid to understand the drug of choice or the damage he won't be able to repair in the end.
These things may not be what you hoped to read here, but this thing is ugly and you've lived with it long enough to know a lot already. No use in sugar coating.
I don't know if you consider it good news or not, but many men return to our planet after two to four years out in space with the MLC alien. Women, not so much. When women think they are done, well ... they often are. Men seem wired to eventually apologize and try to put it all in the past as a mistake. More common when they saw it happen at home while growing up. They begin to wake up most often once they are dumped by the younger OW. He isn't getting younger and the excitement of the fantasy world eventually fades to tough realities. Right now they are both addicted to the same drug, someone new, in world of secrecy and drama.
You know what else is dramatic? Divorce
But before you go there, you really need to read all the resources provided on this forum and as many books on the subject as your delicate stomach can handle. These things are easier to digest when you have as little contact as possible with the alien world. Most of the triggers for male MLC are the things you mentioned, loss of loved one, age, kids are growing and don't need him. He wakes up asking age old questions "what about me - when is it my turn"
This fire can get fueled by the reality or perception that they have peaked in their career. The OW is almost always someone in the workplace they speak with about their concerns, unhappiness, and fears. The OW "understands them" and they find they are meant for each other. This is the EA or Emotional Affair preceeding the deed and the PA. Now things are in full blown MLC land. The drugs kick in and the addiction takes hold. Like drugs, cold turkey must eventually be part of the validated and verified cure or you are all spinning your wheels on an ice rink.
The kids don't need to be told how evil dad is, just how sick he is. This is not the person he used to be. He stumbled through Alice's Looking Glass and became the Mad Hatter. They can't expect much out of him unless they enjoy hurtful disappointment. Like you, they need to begin to understand boundaries. You also need to take very good care of yourself, and they should do the same. Living around his needs is like trying to live around a zombie or alien. It could be funny to watch if it didn't do so much permanent damage and hurt everyone so much. It is good that a lot of IC has begun.
The most often cited root of female MLC later in life is repeatedly traced back to daddy issues of abandonment during developmental years. Yeah, he's doing a lot more damage than he will probably be around to witness later. So who wants to double size that order and get some fries on the side?
Do your reading homework, admit that your M might not have always been perfect and you now have some time to work on some things, but don't accept a bunch of alien spew about this being all your fault. Determine safe boundaries and defend them around yourself and the kids. Know that blood is thick and his relatives need to be left out of this, as they will often buy his cr@p and hang you out to dry. Limit what you tell your family as they can make it hard for the Husband version 2.0a to return later. Talk to IC. Talk to friends you can trust. Vent here. And above all else, good luck on this very rough journey.
