I know I Have a hard time letting go and that's a huge issue. It's the being manipulated I can't stand when I have been yelled at recently for being lying and manipulative.
It's the being manipulated I can't stand when I have been yelled at recently for being lying and manipulative.
Your H should be totally honest with you about coparenting. But can you see that when you are insisting on controlling the parenting, you are encouraging dishonesty and manipulation on his part? I'm not blaming you for his actions, but from where I'm sitting you're putting him in a very difficult situation given his stated position of wanting to D and continue to be a father. I'm sorry if it's hard to hear that. You know that I care about you. (((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
H4L, I know you have safety concerns about your S spending time alone with your H. You have to look inside yourself and figure out how much of that is legitimate and how much is a control issue on your part. There are many potential benefits to your letting your H have overnight visitations, etc:
1. your H would have less time and energy for OW 2. your H would have to be a responsible father, not just doing it when he feels like it 3. your H would have to provide the meals, do the housekeeping and all the work that you do... it would help him to see everything that's involved in your job 4. you would have much less contact with your H 5. you'd be able to focus more on your S when he is there and be more present as a mother 6. you'd have the solitude and freedom to do more GAL and working on yourself
Flowmom points out very good things to consider about allowing your H to have S. I would add to make this arranged in a written agreement at the minimum- formal is better but written will hold up in court too.
ALSO do not do it based on the motivation to get him to leave OW and come back to you. Do it based on #2-6. And I agree that #6 has been true for me even though it comes with guilt.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
These are two separate issues. The first step we agreed upon clearly before talking about overnights was S visiting during the day. We also agreed we would talk about it ahead of time and plan.
How am I to trust H when repeatedly he hasn't a) shown up on time on the days and times we've agreed to, b)abandoned S completely on his days, c) not followed through on our agreement on beginning visits d) shown verbal and once, physical abuse to our S.
It's a cycle - I tend to hold more control as he is unreliable and sneaky and abandoning, and perhaps it goes the other way too he rebels more. But as far as I've seen he has been unreliable at best with his parenting and this concerns me a great deal. If I saw him acting lovingly and responsibly I would feel more relaxed.
I see your concerns and I was dealing with the same kind of thing before the separation. On the plus side, I think that H has pulled up his socks about parenting now that he's flying solo while on parenting duty and I'm not the ever-present "backup parent". Also, H *hates* being in our home and around me and that was likely contributing to his bad parenting once he reached a certain point of being done with our M.
Perhaps a psychologist could help both of you with a coparenting plan rather than doing MC, which is unlikely to make progress as long as he is invested in the A.
The reality is that it's unlikely that you'll have the control that you want if the D happens, and you don't have that much control over when/if the D happens either. IMO you have an opportunity to generate some goodwill by working with your H to find agreement about these things rather than being in a reactive role as he continues to rebel against parenting decisions that he apparently hasn't bought into.
I know this is so hard. I don't mean to tell you what to do. I just want to encourage you to keep coming back to what you can control and what you can't. Work on what you can control, let go of what you can't. That's the way out of suffering.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If your H is physically abusing your son then I don't get this whole attempt to reconcile.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
H4L, I am with newmama on this one and it's seems you husband's verbal abuse to you in front of son is not healthy either.
Sorry, I may not have read far enough here... but do you have a lawyer?
You first priority is your child, right? Then you and then marriage third, right?
Is you hubby a fit parent? Didn't I read he was doing prescription drugs that were not prescibed to him? That alarms me! Can he be trusted with your son?
Are you still aiming for a marriage recovery now that you know about the OW or are you planning on a D?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
That happened once and although it still concerns me through MC I have seen H calm down. H didn't hit him, he held him too strongly during descipline and didn't realize. Although he still is defended as seeing this as inappropriate, I have seen his behavior begin to change. My lawyer said the best I can do is encourage him to be a better parent and ask for him to go to parenting classes. I was worried about him venting his frustrations out on S too much, but this does not hold up in court ad will cost me a great deal of money to try to prove.
This has calmed down and I have no legal way of keeping S from seeing H. It is in our legal separation agreement that we have 50/50 as my state aims for.
The drugs have been addressed although H has tried some he doesn't use them regularly. I misunderstood about the daily presecription he takes for anxiety = I thought he didn't have a prescription but he did get one.
Yes I still want my marriage more than anything. I have not been innocent in years past and H is scared of me. Although this depresses me I hope to rebuild trust as I believe he is trying to calm down as well.
My MC said it is my job to walk away from any verbal abuse and in this way I see that I have allowed it to continue. I need to work on walking away and stopping it.
Did your H demonstrate any commitment to working on the M in MC?
I am still confused about how MC plays into your sitch. His words and actions demonstrate that he is apparently not at the piecing stage yet.
I'm glad to hear that the session went well. Keep reminding yourself that you made progress with your keeping dim efforts and keep it up! Giving him space and allowing him to miss you is a tunnel with cheese in it!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
and that was likely contributing to his bad parenting once he reached a certain point of being done with our M.