Well, I did hold it together with her, but explained to H how i felt. He said he was surprised I even went with him.
And then, he repeated, he doesnt know if his sis and ow have a relationship or even if they talked. Which blew me away. That's nonsense, I mean if they did, which I know, one of them would have told him, but he still denies he knew. We went over the honesty thing again and he insists. He says, since they last time we talked I was very clear and he understands how his avoidance of admitting the truth, or speaking out the truth hurts us-but he does it anyway. He said, go ahead and talk to sis, I want to know as well. I almost did, but then, nope, if she still speaks with OW as informant, she wont get that pleasure from me.
And H is in the black list. Doghouse, whatever. I cant imagine how he wants me to believe he had no idea. This woman was probably manipulating sis and sis was very willing to be manipulated. I dont understand why he lies...
He said things like, Maria, as of now, we made a decision, you see my actions, you are stuck in the past etc etc
Days like this, I want to be LOUD and scream and yell and speak out ... sigh!
I made it clear, this isnt about them, it is about US now and hoe he handles me. He said he understands and he will be fine if we dont see sis again anytime soon... which proves he doesnt really get it. K
Until he gets why the past does matter... I don't think he is going to get it.
Am I making any sense?
Regardless, it matters to you and your feelings on the matter are valid. It's not like you are trying to hold the past over his head you are just trying to overcome the past, IMO.
Are you saying your hubby is not very forthcoming with the truth? Lies by ommission? Not sure if he is telling you everything or still being someone secretative?....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Yes june, you are. He wants it "over and done with", he admits he f@cked up, but he thinks since I found out many details from their mails, there isnt much else we can talk about that wont hurt us NOW. It's true to an extent but sometimes I need some perspective from him about what happened. I only have hers
It seems like you are not getting through to him with words. Have you tried a letter where you state your needs in a simple way that he can absorb without feeling the flood of guilt and shame and overwhelm that likely happens when you talk about this together? Perhaps give him the option of writing back to you?
Brainstorming here.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Forrest, my love language is Physical contact/touch/connection. And words of affirmation. Granted I still havent heard "I love you" from him, I charge my batteries from sex. Btw, I think his is also physical, the secondary one...
FG I concur which is why I think she's having a lot more well deserved fun these days (after a lot of hard work of course) with H jump starting those batteries in the shower ...
I am sure you have already done this, but have you actually said to him that you need to know his side of the story, not because you want to hurt him with it, but because you want to know his side. He is afraid because he doesn't want to hurt you again, which is a good thing, but what you are saying is that sometimes you want to know his side or his perspective not to hit him over the head with it or to hurt your R, but because you are wondering. You need to make sure he feels safe and also make sure that he understands you are looking for his thoughts not necessarily the details about where and when, but how he felt or didn't feel with your or her so you can be sure it doesn't occur again.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I guess you can try explaining to him that since you know most of the details, it is not what happened that you are concerned with but more his full disclosure of the events...
