Im sorry Mila...I know how hard all of this is. I think you H is going through withdrawal from the OW and I know it took my H well over a year after they ended it for him to start acting normal again. I definitely had days like yours too. I mean, he wanted to come home and wasnt really doing much about it in the beginning. He was depressed alot. He would even tell me when he was having a bad day and that he just didnt want to talk to me. SO, I would leave him alone and act as if...I would still go on like before...like I was single. You have to understand he is going to go through this and there will be days where he just is down.
Be patient and keep doing what you have been doing all along. Be his friend for now. Tomorrow is a new day and Im sure you may see a different H than you saw today. But know that you can live your life on your own if things dont work out. YOU will be OK!! It took me a long time to realize that.
But this is also early in your separation. Your H may be like mine and change his mind MANY times...I hope not for your sake, but it happens. Just remember to live each day for you!
Take care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I know that you can relate to how frustrating this is. It is a comfort to me to know that you went through a similar stage with your H. I know that my H is going through OW withdrawal and is depressed. But would it kill him to say anything encouraging to me?
It took your H one year to get over the OW? Do you know why they broke up? Did your H end it or did she?
I'm trying to stay detached, but I would be lying if I said that he didn't give me new hope with his announcement. And that changed the level of my detachment. I know that I'll be OK if we don't get back together but I'm hoping that we will and I'm ready to work on it. But apparently he is not...yet.
Rationally I know that he has to work on himself first before he can work on US. I just have to remind myself of that...often.
I also know that I don't want him to come back before he is "baked", I can't take anymore of what I went through last year. I would rather be alone then that again.
I know what I have to do...I just have to do it.
Detach...patience...live my life
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila..would it help to just think of the time you DO spend with your H as a "bonus" to your already great life that you made for your self since the bomb or when he left?
Do you write down all the positives that he says or does? That might help to go back a re-read over those when it has been a day or two since you have gotten any or talked with you H.
Also, have you read "Why Men Love Bitches?" Awesome book!
"Detach...patience...live my life :-)" _________________________
You are doing great!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
So you didn't SAY you wanted to talk about the R....which...remember R talks are usually no no's anyway....but THAT aside.
You WANTED him to bring up the R, wanted him to soooo badly that he MUST have been able to FEEL that want, but of course he ignored it to spite you. In fact you did so well in not communicating any desire for an R talk that you were all business at a business meeting
And that made you mad?
God he is soooo self absorbed!
: )
Sounds kind of funny when someone says it that way, huh?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Take a breath and know that you are further along but no where near to your goal. As I have been told this is all a process and you just have to keep your expectations low. Keep telling yourself that and you will be fine.
Mila, sounds like a case of those pesky expectations creeping back in. Try to maintain the course you were on before he brought up reconciling and let him move at his own pace.
CW - I know that there are some possitives and I should think of those when I feel down.
Are you suggesting the book because you think that I would have a better chance at this if I become a bitch? LOL. Just kidding...I did notice other people mentioning this book...I should get it. Thanks
Jack Yeah sure, I hear you.... He is not on the same wavelength as I'm and he didn't read my mind. But doesn't he have any desire to talk further on this?
I'm just frustrated because H starts this long R conversation with me 2 weeks ago about how the affair is over, how he is sorry that it happened and that he wants to R and he wants to go to counseling and MC and work on our M and will I help him through this and he goes on an on. And then nothing, didn't bring up any of that again in the past 2 weeks.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Actually Mila....My H and the OW broke up alot! He would tell her he wanted to come back to me. But the last time, she broke it off with him. She asked me a question by text....and I answered it honestly. She couldnt trust him. Basically that was it. She couldnt trust him NOT to leave her for me. Kinda like what I went through because he kept leaving me for her. BUT, I had more invested than her and I wanted to stick it out if I could. I knew she was just a symptom for his MLC and that she would soon pass. This OW has since gotten remarried AND divorced that guy. I feared she would come back wanting my H when that happened, but it didnt. She no longer is friends with my H at all and he doesnt like to be around her. It took alot for them to get to that point.
The best advice I can offer is to just be his friend. Maybe not his best friend, but a friend. My H told me that was one reason he wanted to come home. I was the only one who remained a friend to him through all this mess, me, the least likely person to be his friend.
Keep living like he isnt coming home. Just be his friend. He said he wants to work on things, well, let him in his own time. I know its hard. But if this is what he wants, maybe he will soon figure out how stupid he is being, like my H finally admitted to being!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
OP & TF - thank you, you are both right. I did have expectations after his announcement. I have to scale those down I guess. I have to get back on my path.
Back to singing my song "Time is on my side, yes it is...."
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thank you so much kissak. Your story gives me encouragement.
H & OW had this back and forth going since the affair became public. It was always her pulling out. This would have been the fourth time that she ended it. H said that for the first time he felt that if she didn't bring up the break up he would have. I'm inclined to believe that he would have because he couldn't trust her anymore. Regardless of who ended it he is really brokenhearted over it.
And I don't trust that they are not in touch anymore...who knows.
I have to get myself back to that place where I was before he wanted to R. And for now just forget about working on R. He'll let me know when he is ready to move forward.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
