Yes it does matter Bluestar, the analysis determines the strategy.
And detachment isn't a solution for living with an alcoholic for goodness sakes..
But you are right, an intervention with his kids is called for Pass.. if you think they will support YOU... you don't want them turning you during that meeting... I suggest you take the kids to your in laws and have everyone sit and have a family meeting about your H and takl it out
Do NOT tell H about it... Just invite them along and you sit back, let your in laws talk to the kids...
You be in the room, but let the in laws give them the scoop.. this will take the attack off of you...
If there's no taxi then I agree with earlier post - someone needs to learn to drive
Yeah, DSS20 does need to learn to drive. We bought him a few driving lessons for his 20th (also bought him a car for his 18th - he was going through some depression at the time and the car sat and rotted) He's afraid of driving.
These kids went through a lot of crap in their lives, which is not an excuse, but an explanation... DSS20 dropped out of college with a full scholarship to play video games and just recently got out of his funk and got a job, so we agreed to support him until he has his license and car by bringing him back and forth to work.
Are you kidding me Allen? Detachment is the only way to sanely deal with an alcoholic. You have to remember that whatever an alcoholic says or does, it's not about you personally. It's the disease. Detaching gives you the strength to quit enabling them.
I also very strongly disagree with Allen's plan for taking the kids to the in-laws. I would confront him at home out of their earshot. Let him know that it's unacceptable to treat kids like that and you won't lie to them. They are talking to you about what's going on. DSD will eventually let her father have it. That will do more that you ever could.
I am sure whilst the kids are not'technically' Pass's I am sure she feels the same way any mother would.I think Allens advice in getting the IL's to tell them is reasonable and it shows you are still there for them.The innocent victims in all of this is the poor kids. Pass go with your motherly instincts.If you think he is in MLC he is,if you think he is an alchoholic he is.He is your H you know him better than anyone..Anyone including OW. she only knows made up version. You post where you like..if you are happy with the advice. I think in A there are two choices no matter what the sitch: 1. On exposure does H want to make amends Yes/No? Do You? Yes/No If the answers are same great if not then you detach.GAL and look after yourself and your kids.Its not their fault their dad an idiot right now. 2. Does he run to be with OW Yes/No? Do you still want him yes/no? If the answers are different detach, GAL and look after you and your kids.
If he is in MLC he may or may not come out of the fog and if he does he may like the new choices, he may not and try to reconnect. You still detach, Gal and look after you and the kids.
If he goes with OW the R may or may not work.He may move on or he may want to reconnect. You detach, GAL and look after yourself and the kids.
No one knows how long these A's can last whether MLC or not.They are all highly addictive and the OP are parasites, needy, crazy.They ambition is to destroy. Am I making this too simple no matter what space H is in, in general the approach is generally the same for Pass??? If the detach yadayada doesnt work then a change of strategy is needed.If PASS does not do this she will crack and we will need to take some responsibilty for that having given her advice???
No?
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
[quote=saffie] Your posts much earlier in the day made much more sense than your later ones.
That's probably b/c I woke up feeling clarity and peace, being in a nice comfy bed with people who care for me and are taking care of me, and then I spent the day in bed reading sitch's and trying to make decisions and I made myself crazy again.I feel I need to take some time away from this whole mess, but at the same time, I feel the need to read books and websites and try to make decisions.
Whatever, I am heading home tonight and will be upbeat, happy, calm, serene...
Sorry the DB coach did not help you yet the only thing that has worked in your sitch to the extent anything has, is exactly what the DB coach told you to do (back off, GAL, take care of yourself, etc) and it's also a lot like what you want to do above, when you are thinking most clearly. Interesting.
From what I know of saff's reconciliation, and my own, it was DB that helped us to save the M's. We both used DB techniques (it's why I still bother to post here at this point in my life) I detached, GAL and did as the DB coach advised. Doesn't that have some value to you? I mean, why do what doesn't work? True, Not all m's can be saved. Yours may be one of them. But this is a DB site. So if you want advice from other sources or other approaches, (not that it's what you need) I'm confused about your posting here.
And the search for "labels" (MLC, WAS, serial cheater, "this A is different" and blah blah blah) really might be fine, if they affected or changed your behavior or approach. But do they? I don't see that. I mean, I THINK Saff's point is that you are too busy trying to label/diagnose the disease rather than treat it, which is all that matters for now.
And believe me regardless of labels, there are many many MLCers AND WAS's that NEVER ever know why they did what they did. So IF they don't know, how much time should we spend on labelling it or trying to understand what may not be knowable, when that same time (which is limited b/c life is short!!) could be spent on our own happiness which --BY THE WAY---is the most likely way to get them back anyhow! Like I said, my biggest regret was the wasted time I spent on trying to wrap my brain around all of it. Learn from me, or learn from Elizabeth Edwards. She wrote this before the WHOLE sordid facts of her h's behavior were known but it applies even more in hindsight. She and her h, Sen Edwards lost a son in a car crash decades ago, and then she got cancer, twice, and then he had his A and got OW pregnant....(lovely sitch!!)
ANYHOW, she wrote in her memoirs that her biggest regret after her son's death was the time she wasted trying to get her old life back, b/c it was not ever going to come back to her.She said the same thing about her h's A. Life had changed and a huge event had happened that changed her. Life would not ever be "the same"....BUT she still had a life in which she could still create happiness, and a new future. So HER biggest regret was time wasted on spinning around in place, trying to get back "the old life" that cannot be returned when she could have been moving on to creating her new life...make sense?
So I echo what the DB coach said and I'm sorry it didn't work out for allen or whomever had their spouse on the phone line (and blames DB coaching for the m ending, did I get that right? Isn't that a tad unfair?)...I can't say that it's likely the reason or not, b/c I wasn't there. But I'm stunned by that implication. Why?
B/C first, it's like blaming a MC for a m ending when the fact is that MC was needed in the first place is likely due to problems in the M or a spouse and that's not DB's fault or a MC"s....also it's surprising, b/c My DB coach said not to even tell my h that I was talking to them unless he asked, which he did not.
And my h and I had mc for bilateral discussions, and our mc was a good guy my h liked, but even he could not get h to change, until h was ready to. And it was MY changes + time, that = h to notice anything and then to change his own life.) The changes in me came b/c of DBing and time. At that point, I had to be convinced by h to try again b/c I had created a happy life for myself by then. I knew I did not need h in it for happiness. But h worked hard to be in our lives again, and although not all is "fine and fixed" in his r's with all of our kids, it's a lot better.
Here's my other question since a lot of arguing goes on this thread and a lot of "Poll taking"... If you believe that DBing does not work for you, what do you want from this board? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think that leaving a drunk is the best thing for all concerned. They cause way too much damage and cannot be successfully DB'ed anyway.
Detaching helps unless you live in the same home and they hve responsabilities.
If they get as bad as Pass' husband is you need to show them the door... she came home today to a pile of dog poo in her house... you think detaching is going to help that?
If you take away his responsaiblities he will jsut give you a big thank you kiss and get worse...
You tell him to shape up, or get out.. THAT is AA 101
INGORING the damage isn't going to make it go away.. Pass has to LIVE there TOO and so do these kids.
I have lived with an alcoholic and I have lived iwht someone in MLC.
IGNORING them just turns your home into a MESS, things go missing, get damaged, YOu can't keep a home stable for children with an addict living there for long...
You have to show them the door or get them in a program or you leave with the kids and find a healthir home that they arne't allow into anymore
Just detaching isn't going to help when you LIVE in teh same home wiht the addict... they will Make your LIFE HELL for as long as you live with them
