S11's bday is Sat. H asked what we were doing. B4 all of this, we'd planned on having families over to cook and eat cake and ice cream then H and I bringing S11 and friends to go do something.
Had D5's bday party two Sundays ago. Had normal party at neutral place (minus a few of my family members who couldn't stomach being around H right now).
Told H that I thought it might be best for him to take S11 to eat with his family and I do the same with mine. H thought that strange since we had normal party for D5. Told him that she's still supposed to have kiddie parties whereas S11 too old for that. H seemed to think that we should just have everyone get together (his fam and mine) and cook at one time. S11 said he was ok with sep fam get 2gethers but didn't appear ok with it. (He doesn't understand why it's wierd for us all to be 2gether like nothing's going on. He doesn't know how my father and brothers feel about H.)
Final plans were for H to get S11 Fri night for get together and me do something with my fam Sat night.
Am I wrong for planning things sep? Should I have agreed to one get 2gether even though some of my fam wouldn't show? Should I ask to go with his fam Fri night? (His fam wants things to work out so don't think they would mind.) What do I tell his fam if they ask why doing things sep?
OMG! H agreed that I could sell his broken down 4 wheeler for parts. Just texted H telling him offer I got and asked if ok with offer. His response: "Can I sell the house?" What do I do? This guy wants an answer on his offer. H is being ass again. Should I tell him what L said "do what you gotta do"?
You can't control what excuse he's going to give himself to yell at you. You can address whatever behavior that is real. So find something real in what he's said and start addressing it for yourself so that you know you are keeping your side of the street clean. We all have faults we can work on.
The house seems like a huge decision. Hard call. Yes, he may blame you regardless so you should think about that and what kind of financial bind you would wind up in by agreeing. Why do these decisions have to be rushed?
If H is still willing to get you and his family together, personally I would do that so as not to escalate things. Maybe someone else has an opinion.
Try to stay flexible about doing things differently during this crisis period as far as parties and holidays go. Present a positive spin on all your decisions to the children. For instance, does every relative have to come over every year for birthdays if there's a family crisis?
Financially, if I agreed to sell, that would put me, my kids, and 3 dogs on the street. For H, it would only temp relieve financial stress b/c right now he's only got one res to pay for whereas if I sold, he'd have two. (However, he says he won't pay the house note. Hasn't paid April's yet.) No papers have been filed telling him what he's gotta pay.
I haven't responded to his text about house yet. Don't want to but need to know what to tell guy about offer on 4wheeler.
Might talk to S11 tonight and ask him if he really wants us all 2gether and go from there to poss change plans to one get 2gether.
Someone who is eleven can be told how it is, can't he? Just make a decision and then put a positive spin on it to him. I know you're trying to make him happy, but otherwise he might feel pressure to make the "right" decision. That happened to a friend of mine as a child during his parents' marital problems and it was tough on him. Take it out of his hands. It is a favor to him.
You can respond to his text that you will need more time to think about it, can't you? You need somewhere to sleep. Is he gone totally crazy in his depression that he would have his children out on the street or on the sofa at grandparents? Is he just trying to bully you into selling? You may need to consult a lawyer about your rights.
If the 4-wheeler is just a recreational item, maybe just deal with that first because it is a smaller decision.
I decided to send him an email detailing how much money he needed to deposit in order to cover bills already drafted (causing NSF fees) and about to be drafted. The last sentence of the email stated that I would write later regarding the house because I needed to run out to pick up and drop off job applications before getting D5 from school. I then texted him saying "Check your email (you can do so from your phone). I need to know what to tell guy about 4 wheeler."
He wrote back "Cash is Green & 1/2 is MINE!!! What about house?"
I have not responded.
As for S11's bday, I'll tell him that I'm willing to have one get 2gether if he'd rather that. I'm sure that's what he wants. I've done well not putting him in the middle. I don't want to start now. It is EXTREMELY difficult when he talks to his dad not to ask though. S11 is the only person he's talked to about M and as it's been a month with no M/R talk, I'd love for S11 to get details and pass them along but I don't ask.
As for house, I've spoken to L. She suggested that if he made the threat to get a L, file, and force me out again (b/c that's how he'd put it last) to tell him "I don't want to sell or get a D, but you do what you feel is best" and call his bluff. She further suggested that until one of us files papers, there is nothing stating who gets to stay in house, what he has to pay, etc. Although I should file for protection, I don't want to for the sake of it ruining my chances of R and my having his fam on my side. H has stated that if I did agree to sell house, it would in no way help in his decision on D. L also said that if I agree to sell without filing first that H could lie and say that he'll help me financially but instead do the opposite and only find a place for himself and try to take custody. (I can't see him fighting for custody though.) I feel like he's the one making this choice knowing full well that he's the only one wanting this and so he should just lie in the bed he's made. I didn't send him to a motorhome. He chose that.
Over and above that, yes, he's being a bully. One minute you think he's gonna be nice and the next, he proves you wrong. (Last Monday, the skid plate under my engine was dragging under my truck on the way to ball practice. After he showed up, I waited 30 mins, then finally asked if he happened to have a nut driver that I might borrow. He wanted to know why. In the middle of me explaining, he rudely told me that he didn't care what happened just to get to the point and say what needed to be unbolted. I quickly stopped and softly said "my skid plate is being held on by one bolt and I need to take it off". He didn't respond and instead when I turned back to see if he was staring like I thought he was, he was giving me a horrible look. Wrongly, I walked back over and calmly said "I shouldn't say this but it took everything in me to ask you for help. It's hard enough to say hello. The least you could do is be nice." He smiled a sarcastic smile and said "So, will you let me sell the house?" I didn't talk to him anymore that night.
It seems as though when I get courage to speak, which is honestly extremely rare and is typically one sentence about non-M/R/D issues, he notices and derails me by being as hateful as he can. I wouldn't be shocked if it were in response to me trying to talk M/R, but it's when I ask to borrow a tool or what amount he wants to agree on when selling something he said could be sold.
Yes, he's a bully. Yes, he's mean. Yes, he always gets his way...from everyone his whole life, including me. Think that's what's ticking him off. I won't give him his way.
I mentioned in my orig post (Newcomers--H left almost 3 week ago) that his father did this when H was about 9 yrs old. You'd think he'd remember what that felt like for his own family.
Gotta see H tonight at S11's first game. Then tomorrow and again Thurs. It's gonna be a long week!
Guy buying 4 wheeler asked if he could pay $120 in pennies. Oh how I would love to give H his half in pennies!!!!! No. I ALWAYS take the high road and place nice! Playing nice sucks!
It's really frustrating that my H is the titty baby, self-pity, never takes care of his own problems no matter how small, lazy, etc., b/c since being a child, he's been babied and never taught right from wrong because his family is too scared to tell him what to do and not to do.
My parents would rip me a new one if I did the things he's doing no matter how old I was. When I'm right, they say so and when I'm wrong, they definitely say so.
Ignore previous post....what I should've said was....
It's really frustrating that my H is acting the way he is and although his own family wants to choke him, they just let it slide and say nothing to him. I wish they would tell him to stop the self-pity, stand up like a man and take care of his problem (job, health, mental issues) for once in his life, stop being so freakin hateful to people and expecting them to kiss his butt, etc. They're not going to though (as much as they want to)b/c since being a child, he's been babied and never taught right from wrong because his family is too scared to tell him what to do, not to do, and how to act. God forbid that would mean H might get mad at them. That's how it's always been. Mom, Dad, me, my fam...everybody walks on eggshells, let him be a jerk, and takes care of his every worry. Now he's running from his worries, blaming me for everything, and saying that he needs a D because we can't get along.
My parents would rip me a new one if I did the things he's doing no matter how old I was. When I'm right, they say so and when I'm wrong, they definitely say so. Jeez! Parents are parents for life and you should always make sure your kids (no matter the age) are doing what's right!
