Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=saffie] Your posts much earlier in the day made much more sense than your later ones.

That's probably b/c I woke up feeling clarity and peace, being in a nice comfy bed with people who care for me and are taking care of me, and then I spent the day in bed reading sitch's and trying to make decisions and I made myself crazy again.I feel I need to take some time away from this whole mess, but at the same time, I feel the need to read books and websites and try to make decisions.

Whatever, I am heading home tonight and will be upbeat, happy, calm, serene...

Sorry the DB coach did not help you yet the only thing that has worked in your sitch to the extent anything has, is exactly what the DB coach told you to do (back off, GAL, take care of yourself, etc) and it's also a lot like what you want to do above, when you are thinking most clearly. Interesting.

From what I know of saff's reconciliation, and my own, it was DB that helped us to save the M's. We both used DB techniques (it's why I still bother to post here at this point in my life) I detached, GAL and did as the DB coach advised. Doesn't that have some value to you? I mean, why do what doesn't work? True, Not all m's can be saved. Yours may be one of them. But this is a DB site. So if you want advice from other sources or other approaches, (not that it's what you need) I'm confused about your posting here.

And the search for "labels" (MLC, WAS, serial cheater, "this A is different" and blah blah blah) really might be fine, if they affected or changed your behavior or approach. But do they? I don't see that. I mean, I THINK Saff's point is that you are too busy trying to label/diagnose the disease rather than treat it, which is all that matters for now.

And believe me regardless of labels, there are many many MLCers AND WAS's that NEVER ever know why they did what they did. So IF they don't know, how much time should we spend on labelling it or trying to understand what may not be knowable, when that same time (which is limited b/c life is short!!) could be spent on our own happiness which --BY THE WAY---is the most likely way to get them back anyhow! Like I said, my biggest regret was the wasted time I spent on trying to wrap my brain around all of it. Learn from me, or learn from Elizabeth Edwards.
She wrote this before the WHOLE sordid facts of her h's behavior were known but it applies even more in hindsight. She and her h, Sen Edwards lost a son in a car crash decades ago, and then she got cancer, twice, and then he had his A and got OW pregnant....(lovely sitch!!)

ANYHOW, she wrote in her memoirs that her biggest regret after her son's death was the time she wasted trying to get her old life back, b/c it was not ever going to come back to her.She said the same thing about her h's A. Life had changed and a huge event had happened that changed her. Life would not ever be "the same"....BUT she still had a life in which she could still create happiness, and a new future. So HER biggest regret was time wasted on spinning around in place, trying to get back "the old life" that cannot be returned when she could have been moving on to creating her new life...make sense?

So I echo what the DB coach said and I'm sorry it didn't work out for allen or whomever had their spouse on the phone line (and blames DB coaching for the m ending, did I get that right? Isn't that a tad unfair?)...I can't say that it's likely the reason or not, b/c I wasn't there. But I'm stunned by that implication. Why?

B/C first, it's like blaming a MC for a m ending when the fact is that MC was needed in the first place is likely due to problems in the M or a spouse and that's not DB's fault or a MC"s....also it's surprising, b/c My DB coach said not to even tell my h that I was talking to them unless he asked, which he did not.

And my h and I had mc for bilateral discussions, and our mc was a good guy my h liked, but even he could not get h to change, until h was ready to. And it was MY changes + time, that = h to notice anything and then to change his own life.) The changes in me came b/c of DBing and time. At that point, I had to be convinced by h to try again b/c I had created a happy life for myself by then. I knew I did not need h in it for happiness. But h worked hard to be in our lives again, and although not all is "fine and fixed" in his r's with all of our kids, it's a lot better.

Here's my other question since a lot of arguing goes on this thread and a lot of "Poll taking"...
If you believe that DBing does not work for you, what do you want from this board?
j-