tired of trying...

[beingreal]

It's been two and a half months & there has been no change. Except I'm just angrier & not really willing to work things out anymore.

H spent 48 hours out of state visiting his brother, he took S8 with him. I didn't mind, until I had to spend half of the day tying up the loose ends he left--like asking my mom to watch S2 for two overnights instead of just a few hours on Saturday like she'd thought. He even called from the ballpark to get directions to his brother's house because he'd forgotten to get them before he left. So I had to look them up on Google maps & listen to him get mad because he couldn't hear me over the noise in the stadium. Who leaves without making sure they know where they are going?

I'm really not venting, just giving the two most recent examples of how he does things halfa$$ed & expects me to jump in and fix it for him. Had he not had our son with him I don't think I would have.

I'm still GAL, I go to the gym twice a week to work out & I've lost 20 pounds so far. I've had three columns published in the local newspaper (real columns, not letters to the editor. lol Although it sounds like a much bigger deal than it actually is). The last one was about my friend who is fighting cancer and will most likely be considered *terminal* soon(I pray not). This particular column has been picked up by my professional association & is to be featured on their website. I've gone out with friends a few times, even though I usually have to *pay* for it later--just by hearing how I get to do "whatever I want whenever I want". As if going to the gym & the grocery store by myself is such a treat.

So, yeah, I'm still living my life, even though it rarely involves him anymore. He even mentioned it one night a few weeks ago when we were having (what I thought was) and honest heart to heart. When he asked why I didn't want to be around him anymore I told him that I did, but he's always so upset about so much all the time, he's difficult to be around. I said that it obvious that he's not happy & I can't fix that--he needs to figure it our on his own. I told him that I was just doing what I needed to do, and if he wanted to join me he was more than welcome to.

Big mistake.

Apparently R talks should be off limits even when the other person starts them. I don't know why I was surprised when he managed to twist what I said & use it against me.

I haven't been perfect through the past few months, either. I went off the deep end earlier today and was furious with him. Another big mistake. Not only did I engage, I actually escalated. WTH is wrong with me?

So I'm back--apparently I cannot do this on my own. I need some help before I permanently damage our kids. No matter how our marriage works out, they deserve much better than what they have right now.