Deployed and need help with wife before a move

[timehealsall]

Hello all,
My story:
We have been married for almost 16 year (9 Aug 1994). On 16 Oct 09 I deployment to Afghanistan, my wife (33), kids (boys 14, 9, 4).

So while I was at training for the desert, my wife started to lie about going out with a guy friend from work. Also ask one of my sons to lie also.

The same guy that we had a talk about me being jealous about 3 months before. Things seemed good for a little bit, but I know the jealously was causing a lot of stress and feeling in both of us. She was talking to me but not saying very much about how she was doing or even what they are doing (her and the boys). I would find out from the kids that the guy friend from work would be at our house watching movies and hanging out with her most weekends or she would be going over to his house with the kids.

Then some time in Jan 2010, I thought that I need to stop this jealously problem because it is doing no good for anyone. Things seemed to be a lot better. We also said that we should start MC after I get back.

Then on 6 Mar 10 I get news from my unit in Tucson that we got orders to move to Washington DC. At first she was just unhappy about the moving and that she does not want to go, because she thought that we may not have to go because I was trying to get out of the orders. Then on 13 Mar 10 I found out that I/we will be going and this is when I got from my wife that she will not be going with me.

She said, "I can't believe you didn't see this coming. Did you just think I was going to put up with everything forever? You make me feel inadequate, like I really don't matter much. I've felt that way for years and I can't do it anymore. I feel guilty every time I leave the house. I feel like I don't do anything right. I feel like every time I tell you what I think I have to defend myself. And I'm done with those feelings."

I have been trying to get out of the orders to Washington DC with the military but it looks like I will be going, just not sure on the time frame yet maybe 7 Sep 2010. She tells me she love me still.

She seems very depressed lately and talks about how she does not like her job a lot. Just before I left to the desert I suggested that she go back to school, once I get back, for something she really wants to do. So after about a week we emailed each other and I said to her, “I want you to know that I never thought that you would just put up with everything forever. I did think you would talk and communicate with me, but I see how it was hard for you to do that. I am sorry that I was mean, controlling, and insensitive to your needs. I have finally realized I have been a very angry person, I am not sure why but I hope to find out with counseling. I know I have hurt you deeply, emotionally, and I need to stop now. I am going pray every day that someday you will learn to forgive me, and love me once more. You are my world and my everything, but I see now that we both need to have friends and other hobbies not just with each other. I also understand after reading for the last few days that I need to actually listen to what you are saying. I am so sorry that I hurt you throughout the years by taking you for granted. You are the best person I have ever met and the only one I could ever imagine loving. All I want is for our family to be happy and I hope you can find in your heart to give me another chance as I work on changing myself for the better.”

She replied with “Its going to take a lot of work, i have many years of issues to figure out, I'm done being a door mat. I will not be walked all over anymore. These last few months I have learned how to be a strong person and speak up.” Then she said “I’ll be honest, I actually gave up a long time ago, but I've still been telling myself everything will be ok. And got to a point where I'm done telling myself that."

That is the most that we emailed and said anything that did not have to do with the kids, in a long time. She seems good one minute to make plans with me then the next she is saying that she is not going.

I have now read a book. I am going to try some of the things in it by not sure what to use. I emailed him and he said read up on things. Which one was the DB book, so here I am.

I want to be there for my kids and her I love her greatly.
I am not sure about the OM yet, he is trying to be my friend through email right now. Plus she has told me there is nothing like that between them and she does not think of him that way.

Any help your be great.
Larsenem73

This is pure indication of some type of inappropriate relationship. Whether it be and EA/PA or both.

I get the feeling that your W is getting attention and has a R with this OM and that's why she is expressing her unhappiness and how YOU failed her.

Also, I think it's in such poor taste for her to use your S to LIE to you. Shame on her. If there was nothing to hide, then why lie?

I agree with puppy. You need intel to figure out what is going on.

That jerk0ff of the OM is NOT your friend. He is just trying to get a feel as to what his shot is at having a R with your wife!

I am so sorry to hear about your sitch but you are safe here.

We are here for you!