In a negative sense, enabling is used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.[1][2] A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.[3]
A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.
Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others. Imagine how these characteristics could play out in parenting. A young child wants candy early in the morning. The parent understands that this will not be a good habit to begin and tells the child "no." The child proceeds to throw a fit and the parent has a choice - to give in or hold firm. The effect of giving in is profound. The child would learn that throwing a fit works, to manipulate others, would not learn how to delay gratification, would have less tolerance to structure such as boundaries in relationships, etc. The short term gain of getting the child to cease his or her fit would not be worth the long term consequences that this experience would mean for their development. Likewise, feeling needed as an enabler is not worth the long term ramifications created by the enabling. The person being enabled will have some difficult short term consequences if the enabling stops, but these experiences are vital to their growth and psychosocial functioning.
Just read Coach's boundary thread and I'm all fired up to use it... but am stuck.
Help?
I feel frustrated and sad when you abandon your children all weekend long without telling them where you are and how they can get a hold of you in an emergency, and blowing off your son when he was expecting you to pick him up from work. If you leave again without communicating with them where you will be and how to get in touch with you, xxxx – don’t know what to put here. It should fit the crime, maybe "I'll tell them what you are up to?" Or "I won't cover for you"
Your H doens't care how you feel. I would tell him his KIDS are frustrated and sad... he MIGHT care how they feel... But I doubt it... He's an addict.
Do not threaten exposure... you either expose, or you don't do it at all.
If you threaten to expose your H will just expose first HIS WAY and smear you in the process...
If these kids are going to be put into the loop you need to get there first... They will be angry at whomever waited Last to tell them... don't let that be you.
I would just tell him you aren't going to make excuses for him... Or pick up his slack.
Tell him he wanted control and that means he needs to be sober.
Tell him "you can't manage a household drunk"
Again I would just teach your kids to call a taxi. Really they are of an age that they need to learn that if someone's been drinking, you call a cab, you don't call mom, you call a cab on your own and get home.
YOU keep track of the taxi debt that's built up and show H once it hits key points 100 bucks, 200 bucks, etc
Guys, stop the debate. It doesn't matter what she labels whatever is going on with her H. The only thing that matters is that Pass DETACH! asap, change her communication patterns and GAL.
Pass, I would confront your H asap about his behavior with his kids this weekend. I had to do that several times with my H. It is not acceptable that he treat his kids like that no matter what he thinks about your M. I would also let his D tell him what an a$$ he's being.
Besides getting the book I recommended (relationship rescue) and still do, I would check out some Al Anon meetings in your area. Even if you don't think that your H drinking doens't rise to that level, the meetings are all about detach, focusing on yourself, etc., very complimentary to DB. I went almost every day while my H and I were separated. It was very helpful to keep my mental clarity. You don't have to talk. You can just listen. It's amazing how similar the stories are.
