You can love somebody and still know that being with them or around them or pursuing them is not healthy. One has nothing to do with the other.
Clearly you and your W both have issues. Who doesn't? We all do but when two people have deep seeded issues (even if the issues are different) that are not addressed and worked on the combination can be highly toxic. Right now, despite the fact that you love your W any exchange the two of you have will be toxic.
We ALL hope our WAS get the help they need but honestly, many do not. People that walk away from a marriage (and children) are very typical. They walk away because they are unable to face their issues and decide it is easier to just bail. Combine that mindset with an affair and nothing you do or so will matter right now.
All we are trying to say is when you continually profess your love and adoration for your W you are taking away valuable head space in your own mind to really change mental paths. As I said before, part of going dark is not just the communication you have with a WAS but also the mindset you practice.
I have just as much right as you have to state what I think and feel and like you, I have no intention of playing "ping pong" as you said. You are such an angry person and that is really what you need to be working on. Until you learn how to manage such anger you will never be able to go forward. If a 12 step program is not aggressive enough for you then perhaps you need to look into other programs. While I may be direct your posts drip with anger and when so much anger is present effective communication will be stalled.
If you need a break then take a break. If you want things to change the first thing you need to change is to stop talking about your W so much. We all understand you love her and miss her and want her back but right now that will not happen in a healthy way. If you get emotionally healthy then you may (or may not) have the power to change the dynamic but until things are more stabilized for you and you better grasp what you need to do nothing healthy can happen.
Remove all the emotion from it and think of something unrelated to you. There is a reason they don't let male and females sponsor one another in AA. It is too easy for two addicts (unhealthy people) to become emotionally invested (be it sexually or something much deeper) when they are fragile. It would take all the focus off their recovery. Equate that to your situation. You have too many emotions tied to your W for you to recover at this time.
I feel you think this is an attack and it is not. Read any situation on this forum and you will see that nothing good ever happens until ONE person gets healthier. And that "one person" is usually the LBS. And I don't mean they reconcile (although some do) but the LBS starts to have a better and more stable life. A big part of the reason I stay on this forum despite the fact my situation is finished for good is because I find inspiration here each day.
There are many things in your past we (we = forum members) are not equipped to help you with. What this forum can help you with is the journey you will take for you and perhaps your W. I think you will find if you really do partake many of the other R's in your life will improve (and I don't mean romantic ones). You will eventually have the confidence to go out and meet new friends and build a life for you. You will not allow thoughts about your W to consume you every waking minute.
None of this is easy. You have made several comments to me that you are not as strong as me. I didn't get this way overnight. As I have said I was hospitalized twice during the thick of my situation. One of those times were related to lupus but the other time was a sheer mental breakdown. I used to hide in my back hallway because I was so riddled with anxiety it was the only place in the WORLD that felt somewhat safe to me. I spent 12-14 hours pacing around my apartment so consumed with panic and anxiety I couldn't function. I lost almost all of my hair due to stress. I went from the absolute bottom to finding a stable and good life. And I still have lots more work to do.
While you may have lost your vision I almost lost a kidney. So I can relate to you much better than you think I can.
This may sound stupid but it's what I think... I always think of this forum as a long chain of people. The people making the chain are the ones with a bit more experience. We never will let anybody break through the chain that needs help or direction. The chain will keep you safe until you are ready to be part of the chain. It doesn't really matter to me if you "like" me or not.
