1. walk in the rainy forest with children 2. going out for phở with BFF 3. watching funny video
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
1. walk in the rainy forest with children 2. going out for phở with BFF 3. watching funny video
funny character didn't work...that's pho - yum
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM, I definitely posted a new thread. Awesome things posted for PMA
Kalni, wise words
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
This is part of a post that I made to H4L and I'm reposting here to document my progress with coparenting.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Kalni and others helped me a lot with the huge transition that I made when I let go of H starting a life with the kids that didn't include me. I think I have a very good understanding of where you're coming from with this issue...I have always been there for my children and I've also played an important role in buffering H's anger issues with the children too. Within months I went from doing all of the nighttime parenting and ALWAYS being present to help with bedtime and NEVER going out at night, to allowing H to take the children overnight and for as long as 24 hrs at a time. It's been a huge transition for all of us.
Early on in my sitch, I realized the following:
1. I didn't want to be in a power struggle with H over the kids. He is as much their parent as I am and is equally entitled to make decisions for their care even though I have more invested in parenting (and more skills IMO). I know that our future is likely strictly coparenting and I wanted things to be on the right footing.
2. Letting go around the kids was a healthy 180 for ME and THEM. Faking it until I make it that they'll be OK and it's perfectly fine to have the sleepovers and hang out in H's home where I've never been has been healthy choice for our family IMO.
3. Showing my complete trust in H as a parent has been a 180 that has pleasantly surprised my H. I has helped with creating at atmosphere of friendly collaboration around coparenting. Not what I really want, but I'll settle for that.
4. In a D, H would easily get joint custody if he wanted to. That's out of my control. I decided that it was best for my kids to make the transition gradually by MY gradually "allowing" more and more time with H, and overnights, etc. I did control the pace, but I didn't put the brakes on things and I allowed some nudging forward even when I wasn't sure that it would work for the kids, as an experiment. I decided that it was OK to try experiments and see how the kids react.
5. My kids are definitely distressed and experiencing a huge emotional impact from this. IMO that is primarily due to the separation and H and I not spending time together with them, which hopefully can be easier in the future. I'm not convinced that it's because of them doing overnights -- I haven't seen a connection there. I think it causes them some distress but I don't think that there's much I can do about that since we will likely D.
6. I really do need the time and solitude that I get from H taking the kids away. I miss them and it feels "wrong". But it has given me the time and space to make some progress emotionally. After 3.5 months of separation, I am feeling small oases of peace and having some glimpses of acceptance about my sitch. This is not what I want for my children. But right now my responsibility isn't to fight against H having custody of them. It's my responsibility to figure out how I can be the most happy and grounded mother I can be in the event of D.
[...]
many on my thread helped me to realize that graciously yielding to H's desire to have visitations with the kids on his terms was the best choice for me at the time and in my sitch.
[...]
The children are BY FAR the hardest part of this for me, and I don't think the fear and pain will ever go away. But I have to let go in areas where I don't have the control.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flo, I am sorry about your aunt- I missed that I think! But reading what you posted about letting go of areas you don't have control is very inspiring to me and I feel so proud of you too (if that is okay to say- don't want to sound condescending!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
FM- sorry I haven't commented much lately, but I'm following along- I, too, am so sorry to hear of your aunt's passing--
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
FM, Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I'm always nodding my head in agreement whenever you offer me or others your advice.
You're an inspiration to many of us.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
