Fear that if I pull away too much, he'll leave and won't come back. Fear that I am going to be strong and NC him and let him make the effort and that I will GAL and do my thing and that he'll LIKE the NC and won't miss me and won't realize that this marriage is what he does want.
What's going to happen is you are going to realize that you still have a life WITHOUT him and are ok WITHOUT him and so if he decides to leave YOU WILL BE FINE WITH THAT!!
On the other hand, you will be a happy, confident, awesome, beautiful woman who is completely self-sufficient, and he's going to say "what the he!! was I thinking" and come running home
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
By the way, where do you live? Our soccer games were canceled due to weather on Saturday too Wouldn't that be cool if we were neighbors
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am, to an extent, prepared for a life without him (although prepared is an overstatement lol) but I will admit that I am in a better place than I once was...
I am NY
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Yeah, I know. I don't know who said "patience is a virtue," but I say "having to be patient SUCKS!"
Bummer, I'm in TX (and NO, I DO NOT claim to be BE FROM TEXAS. I think it sucks personally)
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am with a man who I get along with fairly great. We are raising our kids together, live together, sleep in the same bed together and do family activities and share laughs and watch tv together..
YET, he loves me but isn't in love with me and he doesn't think this marriage will work, wants to separate (some days he'll say yes, usually after we've had an argument), thinks too much has happened and I won't get over his A. hmmmm..
Also, he holds so much anger and resentment towards me and blameshifted all his wrongdoing onto me. I am the reason he did what he did. go figure.
All that would make our R better is if he were affectionate towards me. We have S but it's just that, S. The only time I've felt something more from him (like passion) is when we are together right when he comes back hom from being overseas.
The past number of times he's been away, he has expressed that he misses me in telephone convos, emails, over webcam, etc.
Yet he comes home and after a few days/week, he'll start in and start acting odd and then I'll bite and feed into it (stupid me that's me backsliding) and then he reacts and starts in with the whole LS/D talk.
So this brings me to now.
The best way is for me to detach. Am I right? I know I'm stronger. I know I will be okay no matter the outcome.. but will this work? I just hate this. Our R used to be so easy and effortless in the beginning. Why couldn't we have put more effort into maintaining that and keeping our marriage healthy and happy. ugh...
Last edited by timehealsall; 04/19/1004:04 PM.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
he loves me but isn't in love with me and he doesn't think this marriage will work, wants to separate (some days he'll say yes, usually after we've had an argument), thinks too much has happened and I won't get over his A. hmmmm..
Also, he holds so much anger and resentment towards me and blameshifted all his wrongdoing onto me. I am the reason he did what he did. go figure.
This is EXACTLY how my H was during our D sitch. He DID NOT love me anymore, except as the mother of his children. He had so much resentment towards me, he didn't think he could forgive & forget. His resentment was built up b/c he felt I would reject him when he wanted to have S & this made him feel rejected & resentful.
ANYWAY, he got over it somehow. Just keep doing what you are doing & he'll realize what he's got. I always just wished my H would read & hear all the stuff I was reading during the D sitch. All of this was news to me. I never realized how much effort an M takes. H told me he shouldn't have to TELL me things. The person who was his soulmate should just KNOW everything. What a bunch of crap!!!
As much as it sucks, I honestly think you need to just keep acting "as if" & reading everything you can get your hands on. I really think he'll come around. Unfortunately, you have to do all of the work right now & be patient. NO R TALKS. Even if he seems to "come around," just keep going on like nothing is even wrong.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
he loves me but isn't in love with me and he doesn't think this marriage will work, wants to separate (some days he'll say yes, usually after we've had an argument), thinks too much has happened and I won't get over his A. hmmmm..
Also, he holds so much anger and resentment towards me and blameshifted all his wrongdoing onto me. I am the reason he did what he did. go figure.
This is EXACTLY how my H was during our D sitch. He DID NOT love me anymore, except as the mother of his children. He had so much resentment towards me, he didn't think he could forgive & forget. His resentment was built up b/c he felt I would reject him when he wanted to have S & this made him feel rejected & resentful.
This made my eyes well up.
This is how he feels to a T!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
he loves me but isn't in love with me and he doesn't think this marriage will work, wants to separate (some days he'll say yes, usually after we've had an argument), thinks too much has happened and I won't get over his A. hmmmm..
Also, he holds so much anger and resentment towards me and blameshifted all his wrongdoing onto me. I am the reason he did what he did. go figure.
This is EXACTLY how my H was during our D sitch. He DID NOT love me anymore, except as the mother of his children. He had so much resentment towards me, he didn't think he could forgive & forget. His resentment was built up b/c he felt I would reject him when he wanted to have S & this made him feel rejected & resentful.
ANYWAY, he got over it somehow. Just keep doing what you are doing & he'll realize what he's got. I always just wished my H would read & hear all the stuff I was reading during the D sitch. All of this was news to me. I never realized how much effort an M takes. H told me he shouldn't have to TELL me things. The person who was his soulmate should just KNOW everything. What a bunch of crap!!!
As much as it sucks, I honestly think you need to just keep acting "as if" & reading everything you can get your hands on. I really think he'll come around. Unfortunately, you have to do all of the work right now & be patient. NO R TALKS. Even if he seems to "come around," just keep going on like nothing is even wrong.
I know. I just have to continue doing what I'm doing. This stinks man.. it really does. I truly am the most impatient person ever! lol I even conferred with a tarot card/psychic as well lol
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I even conferred with a tarot card/psychic as well lol
Well, you have to tell us what they said!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
