My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[rr22]

i'm on month nine of limbo, so i FEEL your pain! i also have an H with D and other issues. it is getting OLD

[awest1217]

The one thing I agree with rr22 about is there is a large possibility that H will move on to another OW. EA's are so much harder because H is using the EA to cover up other emotions so until he deals with those he will probably do it again. I know from experience. If H does move on to a different OW, you need to file. You will need to find someone else because otherwise he will just keep dragging you down. Once again talking from experience. My H would have internet EA's all while we were dating and engaged. I thought it was just about the physical part because we were abstinant until marriage, but it was all about the emotional side. I thought it would stop when we got married. It didn't. Actually it got worse because now he has means to go off with these OW and live with them. Since marriage there have been two and this last one is the one where he moved out and lived with her.

This could really ruin you. It has taken me a year to get some of my self-respect back and even then I still have major hard times because we have been together so long. I don't want to see you do the same thing. For me it has been over a year of separation and the same OW with previous OW popping up. You ultimately have to make the decision but I agree with rr22. If a different OW pops up....dump him.

[nicole8]

Thanks for the insight. I know my h has issues and I think it is all related to him not dealing with the loss of is father who was the most importatnt person in his life. I'm not 100% sure the ow is leaving town in May...I hope she is, but I also know it wont solve any problems and that he stil might not come home or he might find someone else again.

The h just seems to be stuck in this weird limbo fantasy world that he has created. His whole world now revolves around getting her to talk with him and/or spend time with her. It is so high school. I spoke with a db coach last night. I really liked talking with her. She had some good insight into depression. She said he is living his reality because it is what he has created for himself. When somone tells themselves that things are horrible and unfixable they begin to realize it as the truth. I told her my h didn't think us spending less time together the past 4 years was as issue. She laughed and said that is a huge issue.

She used an analogy that if you stop water the grass and tending to it the grass will be greener on the other side. But it won't always be greener on the other side. She said affairs typically last 6-9 months.

She asked me some good questions and she said that the fact that he does panic and call to do his check-in and ask where I was and with who, IS A GOOD THING. He is scared and affraid. I know this, but I also think he is an ass right now.

She suggested I see an IC. I did meet with a IC a few weeks back and I did not like him at all. I will try this week to find somone different possibly.

The db coach also suggested that maybe I should mix things up and see what works. Being dark or possibly trying to create conversation with h or doing things together. She suggested reading the Five Love Languages which I am already reading. She also said that men love to feel important and have their egos strocked....so compliments might be helpful to boost his self image and that I need to try and change my appearance of him.

I'm actually really confused about what to do. I am just so fed up with the h and feel he has completely changed under the fog he is in. It is like he threw all of his morals out of the window.

I'm just confused today and still really thinking of sending a letter or something to the ow with facts and statistics about relationships built on lies.

[TrentC]

She used an analogy that if you stop water the grass and tending to it the grass will be greener on the other side. But it won't always be greener on the other side. She said affairs typically last 6-9 months.

And there are signs already that this relationship is doomed to failure. But instead of working on where you want to be if and when that happens, you are fixating on them.

I'm actually really confused about what to do. I am just so fed up with the h and feel he has completely changed under the fog he is in. It is like he threw all of his morals out of the window.

Well, he did. WAS's are operating out of selfishness, and will say and do things to justify their feelings or actions. Or do you think that he married you with the intention of cheating on you sometime down the line?

I'm just confused today and still really thinking of sending a letter or something to the ow with facts and statistics about relationships built on lies.

It still won't help. It doesn't change the fact that you are far from a disinterested party in this.

I still feel that any meddling you do to affect their relationship with either make it stronger because it gives them something to bond over, or will harm your relationship with your H. If you're really lucky, it will do both.

Let me put it to you this way. Say the OW sent you a letter trying to explain how she and your H are really, truly in love and that he has zero intention of ever working things out with you. How would you take it? Would you just shrug your shoulders and move on?

[rr22]

If you have time, read amg2's thread and talk to her maybe if you haven't. She just put her H out because he is on his third or fourth EA.

This is her current sitch, but you can find her beginning posts from here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...671#Post1984671

[TrentC]

The one thing I agree with rr22 about is there is a large possibility that H will move on to another OW. EA's are so much harder because H is using the EA to cover up other emotions so until he deals with those he will probably do it again. I know from experience. If H does move on to a different OW, you need to file.

I would agree. I would say that starting another EA would be a clear sign that he has no interest in saving the relationship.

[nicole8]

I do agree with everyone...if my h does end this ea and start another we will have a problem even more so that right now.

The issue at hand right now is that my h lives at his moms and is currently involved in an ea. The h came by last night after work so we could talk. He was grumpy and seemed irritable. He ate some food and than fell asleep almost instantly on the couch. I left him there and went to bed a couple of hours later. When I woke this morning he was gone. I am so frustrated. He seems so distant and has no intention of wanting to change.... I am guessing this is because he is still invlovef with his ea. But who knows and it won't do any good to try and figure it out. Pretty much anything I do or say is going to be wrong to him at this point. To this alien I am the enemy.

[TrentC]

Which is why you can't focus on what he is doing.

When it comes down to it, one of two things is going to happen:

1) He's going to pull his head out of wherever it is stuck and want to work things out
2) He's going to leave to chase whatever life he thinks is out there for him

If it is #1, then what are you going to do for yourself while he works out his own crap?
If it is #2, what kind of life do you want to have when he finally pulls the plug?

From a random blog post somwhere...

I was watching Babylon 5 a couple of weeks ago on the Sci-Fi Channel. Marcus, a sort of interstellar knight errant, and Commander Susan Ivnnova, career military, are talking about something and Ivanova mentions that a certain alien language, Minbari, is a beautiful language. Marcus says, "I could teach you." Ivanova begs off saying, "Oh, no, I couldn't. It would take me a year to learn." To which Marcus responds, "And how old will you be next year if you don't learn Minbari?"

[timehealsall]

I do agree with everyone...if my h does end this ea and start another we will have a problem even more so that right now.

The issue at hand right now is that my h lives at his moms and is currently involved in an ea. The h came by last night after work so we could talk. He was grumpy and seemed irritable. He ate some food and than fell asleep almost instantly on the couch. I left him there and went to bed a couple of hours later. When I woke this morning he was gone. I am so frustrated. He seems so distant and has no intention of wanting to change.... I am guessing this is because he is still invlovef with his ea. But who knows and it won't do any good to try and figure it out. Pretty much anything I do or say is going to be wrong to him at this point. To this alien I am the enemy.

Hugs!!!

Which is why you don't do or say anything.. Just do what you need to do for YOU.

I know how difficult it is..

[nicole8]

Trent thanks for slapping me around some.....I obviously need it.

I have made it my goal this week to join a gym and begin doing something more positive with my time than thinking about my husband being an alien. The gym I want to join my h belongs to and so does my sister. Hopefully one day my h might want to work out together....but I can't control what he wants to do. If he chooses to work out with me that is great if not that is great too!

Thank you again for setting me straight. The best thing I can do right now is nothing but take care of myself and my awesome little pug. Side note, the pug is so happy to see the h when he comes over. It is do sad that he is hurting the dog also. I talked with my friend this morning about how my h acted and she said that it is just more obvious that this has nothing to do with me and it is all about him.... Yes, I believe this is correct. She also commented that no mater what I do at this point it will be wrong or the opposite of what my h thinks should happen. Yes, again I think she is correct. Focus on myself is really all I can do.