What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[newmama]

So I'm hanging out with his mom again tonight, and I'm going to say something. I'm probably going to say, "Overnight I realized that WH is still blaming me a lot for the ending of the marriage. It really bothers me, and I want you to know you are only getting not even half of the story."


I've decided that I am going to write his parents an email today. I do want them to read it before they see WH again on Tuesday. My main goal is defending myself to them.

Gatsby, I honestly think this will make things worse. You have to go know his parents are humiliated and ashamed of their son for treating you like this. They don't want to believe their son is capable-so they are looking for justification for his behavior- like there must be a good reason!

I strongly advise you don't initiate this conversation or email. If they bring it up, then carefully choose your words and in a very very respectful way maybe say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I would like to keep discussion of my marriage between H and I from now on...I know we aren't talking but that is my choice. When I am ready to talk to him I will. Please just remember that in any marriage, there are problems, and in any marriage, both spouses have faults. Thank you!"

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I strongly advise you don't initiate this conversation or email. If they bring it up, then carefully choose your words and in a very very respectful way maybe say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I would like to keep discussion of my marriage between H and I from now on...I know we aren't talking but that is my choice. When I am ready to talk to him I will. Please just remember that in any marriage, there are problems, and in any marriage, both spouses have faults. Thank you!"
_________________________

100% on this.

Do not talk to family members about anything.

This is stated perfectly.

[Babydoll]

I Agree with NM and Gr8. I understand the urge to get something off of your chest and wanting to defend yourself. I also understand how you feel like they all turned on you... i went/am going through the same situation. But when i sent my inlaws an email trying to say the same as what you mentioned above, they misconstrued everything i was saying and at first took it as I was not going to speak with them either. It took many emails back and forth and a visit from FIL, to rectify the situation. Although this is really not about them, they are hurting too in their own way. Just as you respected and loved them as your own family, I am sure they feel the same way.

if it should ever come up or they do contact you again, or you feel best by talking or meeting up with them, here are some things i wrote down and accumulated from different threads that spoke to me... maybe you would want to sum up in short a point of two showing that you take responsibility and you are willing to work it out...
"This separation has forced me to really look at where I've screwed up during our marriage. Im sorry to have put H through that. These past few months have also made me aware of things about myself that I am not happy with and I am taking this opportunity to learn who I want to be and grow into that person. I take full responsibility for my part in what went wrong in our marriage, and I am fully prepared and 100% willing to work on those issues. I believe H and I have what it takes to make our M work. I believe in our love and what we had and would start all over to make things a billion times better if only given the opportunity."

in order to move forward and grow, we do need to accept responsibility. Obviously our spouses were not happy with the way things were, so if they did return and want to try, changes would have to be made. no, it does not mean compromising who you are... look at it as he is allowing you to become the best possible person you can be right now.

We have to learn something from this experience and become better people from it, no matter what the situation is. Like MWD says... be the wonderful person that H fell in love with years ago...

If you tell his family some of this or show them this through your actions and your 180s and by GAL, then they too will see that you are or have done your part.

Lots of luck... Get some sleep!!!

[gatsby11]

Thanks BD and others.

I think I'm just done, though. His betrayal just keeps coming and keeps coming. And it's too much. Now that our marriage is an open book to his family (because of him, not because of me), that is just nearly irreparable.

I know that I had a part in our marital issues. And I did acknowledge that with them yesterday, even though it pissed me off that I am sitting here, pregnant and alone, acknowledging what I didn't do, when he's out "being faithful" throwing loving accusations at me. How much am I supposed to take?

I guess I feel that it's share-or-don't-share at this point. And if I don't share anything with his family, then I am done. I'm just done.

So I don't know what I'm going to do right now.

[Babydoll]

Big hugs Gatsby... Huge Hugs!

[Swiss Miss]

Gatsby, I always love reading your thread because you remind me so much of myself. Which is mostly a good thing, IMHO! I was a good detacher, good at going NC, and my husband had doubts too (took them right back though). I'm too independent too, according to H, and I told him when he was moving out that he'd come to value that trait in his ex-wife. You're lucky not to have an OW, I'm ready for divorce due to my H's but am trying to hold off for my son. There really is only so much someone can take, and I'm past my limit but having a child does make you do things differently.

My H burned me to his family too (had to explain his affair and putting me through so much leading up to the discovery) and it would have been hard to be much closer to them. He told me the other day they have every reason to think I'm a bitch, but don't, like they're doing me a favor. And his mother asked him why things aren't better between she and I? My H should have been a political spinner, I've discovered. Smooth talker doesn't quite cover it! Your ILs sound really understanding compared to mine, so I'm a little jealous. The other posters are right, they know he doesn't have an excuse that comes anywhere near to explaining his behavior.

I can tell you already know this, but you're going to do well no matter what. And so will your baby, I'm about as anti-broken home for kids as they come but if you and your H don't get back together I almost think it's better for a child to not be put through the trauma of their parents splitting up when they can remember it. Never good, though, but there's only so much one person can do to avoid it.

Good luck, I can't imagine going through this while pregnant and it makes me sad to see how many are on here in that situation.

[newmama]

Gatsby please check in. I think when you get a good night's sleep and your favorite craving you will think a little more clearly. REMEMBER TO NOT MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON EMOTION right now- use your head not your heart.

[Piano]

Dear Gatsby. Take the high road. Don't put anything in writing that can make you look anything less than the dignified woman you are. I like something like:
"I appreciate your concern, but I would like to keep discussion of my marriage between H and I from now on. When I am ready to talk to him I will. All I am doing now is looking after me and the baby, so this child comes into the world in peace.Everything I have done is to save my marriage and to protect my family, perhaps sometimes in errror. Please just remember that in any marriage, there are problems, and in any marriage, both spouses have faults. Thank you!"

I too am reeling. Pressure is trickling in from outsiders to "allow WAH to be a father"... I am just speechless when I get these comments. I'm like, er, HE LEFT US, PEOPLE.

But down with anger, in with healing... we are hear for you and know your pain (and your strength!).

HUGS

[Gardener]

Gatsby,
I've been lurking a while and must say I agree with all the advice you've gotten.
I'd add, however, that if I were to say my piece under these or any circumstances, I would do so face-to-face or in a snail mail card or letter, but not in an email which can take on an exponentially extended life of its own to dozens - hundreds - of unintended recipients with the click of a mouse!

[gatsby11]

I'm here, guys. Thanks for some new people for saying something! And thanks for the ones I already know, too.

Yes, I did sleep well last night and I woke up fairly happy. But then in the shower I started getting mad again. . . I just have a lot of anger, I guess!

I haven't said anything to the ILs yet. His sister called last night to see how things went with her parents yesterday, but I didn't answer and didn't call back because I don't know how I want to work things yet.

It seems to me like I'm sort of at the point of choosing his family or choosing him. Choosing the family means trying to maintain a relationship with them, which to me means saying what I feel. (I'll always love them, I won't create drama.) Choosing him means staying silent so that I can implicitly agree that I have sooooooo much to work on (I'm being sarcastic here, sorry) and I can wait for him to come back over and pick me up.

I guess I really believe that if at some point he really wanted me back he'd go through whatever to get to me. And that is sort of what I require. So I don't think it will happen, and I am letting it all go.

So I guess I'm leaning towards choosing his family. They've been with me through this pregnancy and plan to help out a lot when the baby arrives. So that means that I'd want to clear the air and say that I'm hurt, etc. Then they'll reassure me, and then I'll say I'm done talking about WH with them forever, and then that will be it. And I do think I want to say it face-to-face. I like writing way too much and saying things in person is a bit of a challenge. So I want to do it.

One thing I think is funny is this idea of "working on myself." For his family, that means me becoming more dependent upon people. For me, it means drawing boundaries with the people around me because I give too much. So we can agree that I'll be "working on myself" but the outcome will be so different!

Ha ha, this is how my WH works, too. Finding common language and running with it even when you mean different things. Yes, SwissMiss (cute name, BTW!), spin doctors!! That is totally my WH. So can I trust a spin doctor after all the crap he's done? No.

Ok, so those are my thoughts right now. I need to catch up on other threads. I'll probably do that at work.