She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[DaddyLongShanks]

"We both agreed that digging up the past won't help with MC, and we need solution oriented to help us move forward."

I believe you're wrong here. You need to figure out what happened in the past that might have caused this current sitch. Look on these boards. Too many people are back here again because they swept their original problems under the rug. Too many.

Address your past issues now so they don't resurface. Not saying that a specific event in the past caused your current problems, but it's usually a culmination of many "little" resentments.

Bond,

Are we saying while it may be good to address the large milestones, that there may be some fundamental reasons why things would get so bad in the first place. Perhaps these fundamental flaws, personality issues or mis-communications could be dealt with or managed as to eliminate issues in the future.

[MrBond]

Basically everything comes down to mis-communication. What one person might perceive as a "joke" another might take it seriously. I think when we are in a long-term R, that line tends to get blurred and we forget that.

If the two of you haven't been to MC yet, then that is where you need to bring up your past issues. Not together. I found out that you really need that third party to kind of sort through the egos and get to the real problems. What you might think is a "problem" might just be a symptom of a larger issue.

Of course you're not going to dwell on it, but you want to cut out the cancer rather than just tossing a band-aid on it.

Just my 2 cents.

[MrBond]

Just to add. I think that's why alot of people end up back here. They believe they've resolved their issues, when in actuality all they do is sweep things under the rug. Doesn't work.

[tbart01]

Bond that's fair enough and understandable. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen if we make it to that point.

Today she came over and as she was leaving she asked if she could come home on Friday. I asked her what she expected me to do, and she actually expected me to stay somewhere else. I told her that I wasn't leaving. I said I'd been gone for six months and I wasn't ready to leave.

She drove away, and I was beside myself. I asked her to come back and stay with the kids because I needed to go collect myself. I left and went to some friends house to talk.

When I came back my W was in her pajamas in the bed with my D4. She got up and came out back to talk to me. I told her that I deserved to stay in this house just as much as she did. I said she's more than welcome to stay here anytime, no one is telling her she has to go.

She said how much she missed the girls, and I told her to imagine doing that for six months like I did. Now understand why I'm not ready to leave. At one point she was going to go where she was staying to get her stuff and come back. She said she would sacrifice herself for the sake of her children ( whatever). I told her I didn't want her staying for reasons like that and to come home when she was ready.

She asked me what I was expecting from her after only a week. I told her wasn't expecting her to come home yet, but that the children took precedence over her right now.

I asked her if she afraid of me changing or that the changes I've made weren't permanent. She said she didn't trust that the changes were real. I told her that was fair enough and understandable, but that I know myself pretty good and I know their for real.

After she left she called and asked if I would make a deal with her. She wanted to know if she could be with the kids on the weekend ad I could have them back on Monday and that would give us another week to figure out what to do long term. I told her she was asking an awful lot from me, and that I wasn't sure so let me think about it.

[g450]

Way to stand up for yourself. I personally think her request is reasonable. I would give her my hand but not my arm.

It would show her that you care about the her as well as the kids IMHO.

[MrBond]

Stand up to her and tell her no. You haven't seen them in months. Start establishing your boundaries.

[mudpuppy]

Well it seems that the end has arrived. I am signing the divorce papers this week and moving into an apartment. Like I read somewhere on this site, I am moving foreward, not moving on. But before I leave I was going to send her this note that I wrote asking her to explain something to me. But I wanted to run it by people here to see if I should or not. So here goes:

I think after almost 27 years together I deserve an explanation as to why this has happened. The only thing you have ever said was that you weren't happy. You have never said why you didn't come to me and tell me that you were unhappy or why you were unhappy. So why?

I never abused you, never treated you like crap, didn't drink, do drugs or have an affair. Yet for whatever reason once you became unhappy you just decided to throw it all away without putting any effort to trying to save our marriage. I know that I wasn't without fault in our marriage. I know that a lot of times I couldn't or wouldn't admit that I was wrong and I know that I didn't always communicate the way I should or could have and in doing these things I helped create a situation where you didn't think you could talk to me. And that was wrong on my part. I stopped being you best friend when you needed one. I take full responsibility for that and I am forever sorry I let that happen. I know that I was 50% responsible for the relationship problems. But you were 100% responsible for the affair, and there was no reason for you to have an affair. You chose that route all on your own. You knew that is was wrong, but you chose to do it anyway. And by chosing to have the affair you became selfish and self serving and unwilling to address the issues that were affecting our marriage and work on the problem because you were to busy with the other man in your life. You wanted what you wanted and to hell with everything and everybody else. And still to this day you haven't ever shown an ounce of regret for the hurt you caused or the chaoss you created. And now look at what that has cost us and our daughters. A broken family.

[peace2u]

tbart...are you two proceeding on with finding an MC?

[steady]

As I read it tbart she's asking you for them THIS weekend only. Is that correct? If so, then I would do it. It does show you empathize with her position. I imagine it's hard for her to be away from the kids - but if this is hard for her, she's in for a rude awakening if she decided to separate.

This is why you need an MC. Although the communication channel is open there's a lot of confusion. I think there is also expectations from both sides that are not really being expressed. ie: She's asking you what you expect after only one week. She has her expectations and you have yours. The confusion is mixed in there. It's very difficult to untangle the issues and miscommunication because they are so inter-twined; it will take a third party to help separate them out so they can be seen and dealt with one by one.

I agree with your boundary. If she wants, she can stay somewhere else and come in and out of the house as she wishes. But you stay put!

Don't flinch when she throws the victim card out there - as in "I'll sacrifice myself for the needs of the kids".. it's just drama.

Did you ask her what she expected after only one week?

[steady]

mudpuppy, do you have your own thread? If you do please point me to it. If you don't have one, then start one and post your post above on it. It's much easier for people to respond and help you when you have your own thread. Otherwise we'll be bouncing all over the place.

I'd hold off on the note for now until you can get some feedback. Your own thread will help because people will see it on the main beginners page rather than buried in this thread.

I'll will address your post when I have more time later on.